Sexually harassed by friend’s boyfriend

[Rosemary26]

I had a very sour experience with a woman I considered to be a friend almost two years ago, and recently she emailed me out of the blue acting as if she wanted to talk and catch up.

We lived together for six months back in the day to help each other out with rent. I thought everything was good between her and I for a long time, until her boyfriend started to make passes at me. One night I was in the kitchen making myself a late dinner after I’d gotten home from work and this guy crept up behind me and put his hand down the back of my pajama bottoms. I was shocked! I flipped out instantly, telling him to never come anywhere near me ever again. No wonder I had never liked him. He gave me the creeps. Having been sexually abused in childhood, and having experienced men (men in relationships with people I knew, no less) being inappropriate toward me throughout adulthood, this really messed me up. I was scared of what would happen when I told my friend what he’d done, worried she’d react the way others had and choose to believe whatever he said, but I knew that I had to tell her. So I did. Exactly what I was afraid of happened. She grew cold toward me after he denied it all, she iced me out, and shortly after that I left and gave up communication.

In the recent emails she spoke about missing me and how she hoped we could spend time together again. She finished with the sentence, “I’ll try to convince M. (that same boyfriend) to let you visit here again.”
I responded briefly, wishing her Happy Holidays, and I didn’t mention anything about him or visiting.

This is what she wrote back: “If how far you went out of your way to not even type M.’s name is an indication that you still have a problem with him then it's probably not a good idea to have you come here. I always enjoyed hanging out with you and everything but I don't need any extra stress or drama in my life.
M.will always be in my life and he means more to me than anyone so if you have a problem with him then you pretty much have a problem with me.”

Um. STILL have a problem with him? Yeah, I do. I don’t wish to have any further contact with her, but this, her basically blaming me for what he did, really troubles me. Has anyone experienced anything like this? If you have any ideas about what I can say in response to try to get my point across please share those with me. I get that she’s going through her own issues, but...this burns.

Sad she is still with this sleaze. Who knows how many others he has assaulted.

Entirely up to you if you want to reply.

@Sillysandy comment was good. Calling out the assault for what it was and stating your boundary.

I would write this
“Whatever. It’s your call. May I remind you that you reached out to me. Not the other way round. My life is great and I will be honest, the way you behaved when I told you what M had done was shocking and shitty. He stuck his hands down the back of my pants and you’re still with him? It’s your life love. Carry on. Hope you don’t end up regretting staying with that untrustworthy liar. You know that never lied to you. Can you say the same for him. All I’ll say is watch your back with him and I hope you don’t end up regretting it. Don’t contact me again. I’ve got no interest in seeing your sleaze of a boyfriend again thanks”

Then send it and don’t open any replies. Wait a week then block her. Then get on with your sleaze free life.

@YoniAndGuy

'yeah, I'll always have a problem with a guy who crept up on me and shoved his hand down my pants, so let's leave it at that " - is pretty much perfect.

You could add - 'As for asking your creep letch boyfriend if he'd 'let' me stay, LOL. You're right about one thing, not needing drama... which is why I'd never have contacted you first '

This is pretty much what I'd say and then block.

I'd be tempted to just ignore but why should you? He deserves to be reminded about what a horrible pair they both are. Esp with her minimising his assault and acting like he is right in "banning" you for your bad behaviour.

WTF is she contacting you in the first place if she has chosen to believe you were at fault. There was no fixing the relationship anyway from her stance and yours. She is the one inviting "drama" in YOUR life. Smh. You can't fix stupid.

I like @Sillysandy response. Very mature and to the point. Boom.

Interesting that she’s reached out to you. Why? Wonder if she knows deep down that she’s with a bad one

I would go with SillySandy's response.

Some great and grown-up responses on here. Sounds like this woman is having a tough time with her boyfriend again (maybe she found out he has assaulted someone else?) and is looking for reassurance by strong-arming you into denying her bf is a sleaze.

I'd be inclined to ignore her, but if I was to respond, to just say: "K."

I'm also on the fence about blocking - might just ignore, but recieving messages will take up your headspace so maybe blocking is better.

Many women are like this with men they deep down know are sleazy Im afraid .He has no doubt been up to his old tricks again, with some other poor friend and she is worrying and thinking if she can shift blame onto you she will feel better .I personally would not bother to respond really.She will probably keep coming back to you with a different angle .There are many other girls with decent BF you can be friends with .You dont need any Drama at all!

@Sillysandy

"You are the one who made contact with me not vice versa. Your boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I have no interest in convincing you, he and I both know what took place. I have more than a problem with him. I will be blocking you now and have no wish to hear from either of you again."

I'm another one who would respond with Sillysandy suggestion.

But the other part of me is saying to not respond at all.

She knows the truth. Perhaps he's done it again to someone else and she's picking a fight with you to distract herself. If she can make you out to be the bad one again she can keep lying to herself for a bit longer. Hating you is easier than admitting her mistake.

Or turn it on it’s head:

“OMG where are YOUR boundaries. How on earth can you both reach out to seek friendship with someone who has “falsely accused your BF of sexual assault” - that’s v worrying”

Don’t reply anything. Forget them and get on with your life you have done nothing wrong. She will find out what he is like sooner or later just keep thinking that. Don’t waste any more energy on them

Or just a minor edit to SillySandy’s response:

"You are the one who made contact with me not vice versa. Your boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I have no interest in convincing you, he and I both know what took place - and I suspect deep down in your own gut you know this too. I have more than a problem with him. I will be blocking you now and have no wish to hear from either of you again."

What a dick OP. In my opinion she wouldn't even be worth bothering with.

I'd leave her to it with the knowledge that one day she will understand only too well that you were telling the truth.

Sssloou

It’s interesting that she has pursued you at this point. I suspect it is because she knows he is lying but doesn’t want to believe it and somehow manipulating you to brush this under the carpet and be friends again will make her feel better about her relationship

Absolutely this!

The pair of them are batshit, I wouldn't even dignify it with a response tbh...

Concrete sledge.

I think I’d respond with

‘He’s done it again, hasn’t he?‘

Then block. Because I bet that’s what’s happened. And she’s trying to process the denial.

I'll bet he's done it again, I reckon that she's contacted you to try and get you to retract. I'd go with one of the excellent responses given on this thread and then block.

"Thanks for getting in touch, hope you and your boyfriend get well soon".

Thank you so much for your support and help, everyone This community is a beautiful thing.

I felt so angry and all-around flustered. More than anything, I didn’t want to accept feeling like I was being silenced again and swept under the rug. I tried to take bits and pieces of ideas from here and this is what I replied with:

“Yeah, I’ll always have a problem with a man who is a predator.
Yeah, I’ll always have a problem with a man who shoved his hand down my pants when I hadn’t ever welcomed him to touch me.
Yeah, come to think of it, I’ll always have a problem with you and your psychopathic reaction to this.
It was unwanted, unwelcome and uninvited sexual harassment.
I was very shocked, disgusted and impacted by that experience and it has cost me.
You can be with him despite that, or you can be with him while refusing to acknowledge something true.
I have no interest in convincing you, he and I both know what took place.
I thought I was in a safe place, but I wasn’t. I mistook you for a friend.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, the belief that change and growth is possible.
You don’t deserve that from me anymore. You were expecting me to apologize or attempt to smooth things over with your colossal asshole of a boyfriend...
I’d laugh if only it weren’t so sickening. I feel sorry for your parents who are really decent people who want the best for you.
It’s your mess. Carry on. You’d do well to not allow him to harass other girls, since this sort of thing is actually a crime.

Don’t contact me again. I’ll be blocking you.”

Well done @Rosemary26, I hope that you feel better after getting that off your chest. Good for you.

Good for you Rosemary26 she couldn’t be allowed to get away with that.

bold fail*

Good for you.