Why is he with me?! Dating someone with completely different financial situation

[Lilyane]

I’ve been seeing a man for 3 months now. He works in finance in central London. Has his own house. We bonded a lot over our children (we both have a sons same age). Because of lockdown and all that we haven’t been on many proper dates. Just at his or my place and went for a walk few times. However, I can’t see what sees in me. I’m a single mom on benefits having completely different life to him. I live in tiny flat through housing association and work in retail (I’m also 15years younger if that makes any difference - hoping one day my situation improves). From what we talked about all his previous relationships were with women doing even better than him - his ex wife has her own law firm and owns few places...
I am getting little worried what happens if we ever want to for example live together as his standard is so different from mine. Also what happens when places open and he will want to start going restaurant and places. I don’t want him to be paying for everything, but can’t afford the dates he is already planning for us when it’s open.
Can relationship with two different financial situations work ? Any advice how to overcome like not feeling enough. I can sense that he really likes me but self doubt is getting to me.

I think they key word there is 'younger'. You are probably lovely too and he likes you but many men who are online dating want younger women. It makes them feel more youthful.

15 years younger is a massive attraction for a man who feels rejected. And no doubt he kniws his relative wealth will impress you. I'd take care that you aren't the rebound though.

You're 15 years younger. Big ego boost for him. You haven't yet been on dates that cost money. Be wary. His grand plans for future dates may not materialise

Don't belittle yourself to him.

How old are you both?

He sees 15 years younger!

Guessing your age is a factor especially if you’re quite pretty and glamorous. Men like the ego boost.

I haven’t found relationships with a significant financial disparity successful personally but I’m sure there are success stories out there. I dated a man who was constantly broke once when I was younger and it was horrible. I either had to foot the bill or we just didn’t go out anywhere.

You being 15 years younger is a biggie, that and he thinks him being rich will impress you. That is a real ego boost for a man. He probably thinks why are you with him?

Did you manage to go on any ‘proper’ dates when the restaurants etc were open?

@GreenlandTheMovie

15 years younger is a massive attraction for a man who feels rejected. And no doubt he kniws his relative wealth will impress you. I'd take care that you aren't the rebound though.

Absolutely this. You need to look out for yourself OP and keep hold of your self worth because even though he's wealthier, it doesn't mean he's better than you in any way. Most people (obviously not all) with 'higher status' jobs have had some sort of privilege in life that have helped them get where they are.

It's not typical at all for his 'type' to date women from your background (and a lot of people of this type are actually quite snobbish!) and I would worry that he's just using you for some easy fun/sex, especially as you're 15 years younger and he normally dates women who are very different. Be VERY careful.

Big men in London finance often have a pied a terre in London and the main family home in the Home Counties. They spend the weekends and holidays with their wife and children.

How many weekends have you spent together? What I'm asking is - are you certain he's divorced? As PPs say, he may just like the ego boost of seeming (to you) "impressive".

Please be very careful to not try to match him financially - don't worsen your financial situation to try and keep up with him. Maybe now is the time to have a conversation about how he thinks this might pan out. If he's going to sub you - great, but consider if you'll feel indebted to him, or beholden some how. Talk to him about those concerns. One reason why he might be with you is that he feels he can buy your goodwill, compliance, housekeeping, sexual availability... I'd want to sound him out on how he thinks it would work. On the other hand, he might point out that he's not going to sub you, and you might want to point out that this will massively limit the kinds of activities you can do together, which is fine as long as he won't be resentful about it. Also, bear in mind that what seem like a lot of money to you (e.g. £50 in a restaurant) might seem like small change to him. Good luck! I hope he's a good one and you can both find a way to make it work for you.

Be careful he isnt looking for 'young and naive' (in his mind). It might just be the youth (and who you are) attracting him but be careful. Listen to how he talks about his exs and women in general. Just incase he is a bad egg and us looking for someone who knows little of his world to blind sight. Be sure he likes you for you and not fur what you do for his ego.

How are old are you both?

I wonder why this man wants to be in a relationship where he has all the power🤔
what could possibly be the attraction🤔

If he’s a nice, genuine guy he probably likes you. The age difference will be attractive to him though. I’d enjoy the dates (and not worry about paying!!) and guard your heart.

Please don't think that you have nothing to offer to him op , money doesn't make him a better partner.

I would be concerned about the difference in finances though and am keen to see what experiences people have on this. My husband and I have always earned similar amounts and it honestly makes it a lot easier to combine finances going forward.

If you do progress you will lose any UC top ups you get. And , to be completely honest , while being in HA accomodation , being a single parent and getting help in the form of TCs or UC isn't the best situation, it's certainly not the worst either and does offer some security with housing and income.

Or he could just like you.

Probably because you're 15 years younger.

Don't worry about trying to be his financial equal. He's wants to pay for dates, let him.

Assuming everything he’s told you is true maybe he’s tried the “equal” wife and it didn’t work so he’s looking for something different.
I very much doubt he would be interested if you were his age or older though
Having said that it’s not to say it can’t work, as long as you are cautious and realise you may just be an ego boost

Everyone's being so cynical! Not everything comes down to money! He likes you for you! You've bonded over shared interests. See how things go, don't worry so much about the future.

With my partner, we've both been on the higher earner and lower earner end of the scale at different points in our relationship. Now we have a family I'll probably end up staying at the lower income end and he'll be the high flier. When we first got together I was the bread winner, owned my own home etc.

We've got things in common. We click. Money aside, we are happy with or without it as we have each other.

Younger and also a refresh g change from his world. Enjoy it!

It’s really hard to say - what about the rest of the relationship? Do you feel like kindred spirits who have a connection and important things in common? Is power evened up in other ways? And what are you hoping for from the relationship?

I wouldn’t over think it. You haven’t actually been on any expensive dates yet. All the things you have done you could have done with someone on any income as long as they have their own place. Play it by ear when things start to open up again.

It's usually true that men aren't driven by money when dating women...

My first thought was, "Don't lose that housing association flat!"

Don’t be his ego boost.