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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he with me?! Dating someone with completely different financial situation

60 replies

Lilyane · 22/12/2020 08:45

I’ve been seeing a man for 3 months now. He works in finance in central London. Has his own house. We bonded a lot over our children (we both have a sons same age). Because of lockdown and all that we haven’t been on many proper dates. Just at his or my place and went for a walk few times. However, I can’t see what sees in me. I’m a single mom on benefits having completely different life to him. I live in tiny flat through housing association and work in retail (I’m also 15years younger if that makes any difference - hoping one day my situation improves). From what we talked about all his previous relationships were with women doing even better than him - his ex wife has her own law firm and owns few places...
I am getting little worried what happens if we ever want to for example live together as his standard is so different from mine. Also what happens when places open and he will want to start going restaurant and places. I don’t want him to be paying for everything, but can’t afford the dates he is already planning for us when it’s open.
Can relationship with two different financial situations work ? Any advice how to overcome like not feeling enough. I can sense that he really likes me but self doubt is getting to me.

OP posts:
Techway · 22/12/2020 12:04

@Yohoheaveho, absolutely spot on.

Op, did you meet him online? It is likely that he wants to change his type and have an ego boost which could be fine for now but the issues often appear further down the line as there is a clear power imbalance.

Is he interested in having more children? Don't consider this unless you married.

Chocolate1992 · 22/12/2020 12:09

I think it could work but I couldn’t go for someone with a lot more money than me in reality.. no matter how much I’ve joked that I’m looking for a billionaire.

When I met mine I was earning nearly 5k a month, he was also earning a liveable wage. Now I’m on stat maternity allowance at less than half a days wages to last me nearly two weeks. He’s stepped up and providing quite willingly but I absolutely hate it. Im independent and as soon as I can earn again I will be - about 6 weeks after the baby arrives.

So yeah in reality i think it can work but I think it depends on the type of person you are, I have not ever and will not ever want to rely on someone financially as I have morals

Miffyliffy · 22/12/2020 12:17

I do think it's an ego thing.

He's probably used to a more even power level with partners etc (high income, owning law firms as you said) it may have gotten boring, he might want someone who sees him as a real catch coz of his big shot job and obviously other people with big shot jobs aren't going to be seeing him as anything special or so highly successful.

When I was younger I was in a relationship with a very wealthy man, his family lived overseas and he lived her by himself.

When we got together I didn't realise there was such a huge difference in our incomes and assets.

I was on benefits and at uni at the time and I thought he had a standard job with little to no savings etc.

As I found out his family as well as himself are extremely wealthy. He always paid for everything (at first I tried to pay my way but he insisted) he used to want to go out to these really expensive restaurants and off for holidays at the drop of a hat which I honestly couldn't afford so he paid everything always, I hated that feeling.

I too at times thought - why me ? He could get anyone etc?

We were 'in a relationship for 3 years' , he told me he loved me etc all like a normal relationship, slept together spent all the time we could together etc.

But our relationship would never progress eg moving in together, engaged etc. Slowly I realised I was good enough to fuck, good enough to go to dinner etc but not good enough to commit to.

Basically for 3 years I was an unofficial escort and I was paid via dinners, movies, holidays etc.

Reflecting on it, he never loved me, I was simply a time filler and an escort so he didn't do these things alone.

I hope things for you are genuine and I'm sure you're worth so much more than you think and say.

It works for some people and turns out to be perfect.

Just set some ground rules for yourself about what is acceptable and what isn't and stand by those rules.

Lilyane · 22/12/2020 13:16

A lot of you is asking how old we are. I am 29 and he is 44

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 22/12/2020 13:27

Well that's your answer then. His marriage didn't work out and many people feel shit afterwards and crave some validation and attention. You're younger and available so why not you?

Be prepared for this to run its course but enjoy his company for now.

BigFatLiar · 22/12/2020 14:13

Perhaps its ego having a younger woman, perhaps not.

Don't panic about money just enjoy his company and see what happens.

He may just actually like you. Only by meeting him and getting to know him will you find out what makes him tick. Despite mumsnet views men are just people same as women and like women different things motivate them. Unless you give the relationship a try you won't find out if you're an ego boost or he simply enjoys being with you.

BlueJag · 22/12/2020 14:21

Just be honest. If you can't afford something just tell him. No deal breaker.
If you really like him just talk to him.

MrsHugsxx · 22/12/2020 14:33

He could be all of these things, looking for a power trip etc, or he could just like you. It isn't all about money, but I can imagine situations where it can draw a wedge between 2 people if one is well off and the other isn't. If things went well and you fell in love, you could find yourself living together and losing benefits( if you get any) and him being the main provider for you and your child, and if he's not up for that then it wouldn't be worth continuing. I think you need to have a discussion about this if things are getting serious.
I've been in a similar situation, for me it didn't work out and I found love with someone more on my wavelength financially.

SandyY2K · 22/12/2020 15:17

Like others have said, you're younger and apart from that he obviously likes you as a person. ...because I'm sure just any woman who is younger wouldn't be his choice.

Your personality, looks, your company and having a similar age son, could all be part of his attraction to you.

He gets a confidence boost.
He can (in the future) bu things for you that you may not be able to afford yourself and a lot of men like to be able to do this, as it makes them feel good for a variety of reasons.

He has something to offer you, which the other women wouldn't have seen as a big deal... he can't impress them with money.

SainsIsOrange · 22/12/2020 15:28

If he lost his assets and got disbarred from his job so he had to get some sort of "normal job" how would he cope? Has he got a good character and a kind heart? Do you like him for himself? Does he enjoy your conversation?
If you plan alternating "proportional equal contribution" dates (so he might take you out somewhere fancy and you take him out to a local cafe, tasty still but the same %age of YOUR spare income) do you both enjoy both dates?

samyeagar · 22/12/2020 15:28

While we don't have nearly as big of an age gap, ours is only four years, my wife and I are not dissimilar to this.

My ex wife was very driven and demanding. She was also diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder which would explain a lot of our issues.

After we divorced, I was fully self sufficient with a decent wage, I'm a good cook, good at keeping up with all the domestic chores. I didn't actually need anyone to help with or provide for day to day living, so those kinds of things weren't even remotely a factor for me. I had no NEED for a partner. I WANTED one.

I met my wife when she was 36 and I was 40. I had been gainfully employed since I was 14, college degree, financially secure. She on the other hand dropped out of school at 16, had two kids by the time she was 20, never held a full time job, used to be a party girl, and had been on public assistance for her entire adult life.

She and I met online, and I just genuinely liked her. She's smart, insightful, and genuinely enjoyable to be with. I also find her extremely attractive and the sex is still great a decade later.

The thing is, she and our relationship is very low pressure. I can just be me, and she accepts that. I don't have to try and be what she wants me to be, because I am already that.

Early on, she expressed her feelings and concerns of imbalance, not because of anything I said or did, but because I was very different to men she had been with in that I was self sufficient, that I have no practical or material need for her, which to be honest, I don't. Her value and worth to me is in who she is, not what she can do for me.

She had just never been valued for just being herself before.

Raidblunner · 22/12/2020 15:29

I would just go with the flow, if you enjoy each others company just see where it goes. I'm solvent with no mortgage and to be fair my girlfriend hasn't got a pot to piss in. That said she's struggled to bring up 2 children on her own after leaving her bullying cheating military husband. She was left with nothing whilst he squirrelled the money away. If he loves you there's really no reason why it can't work. For all his professional exes thats what they are an ex. Don't overthink it just enjoy each other.

LilyWater · 22/12/2020 19:13

The previous poster is spot on about the "unofficial escort" thing. I know of quite a few men like the one you're dating OP. I would step back and focus on getting to know him as a person without sex, and see how he responds. How he reacts to the relationship will be very telling.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/12/2020 19:22

I don’t think age gap sounds that bad 20 v 35 would be more of a concern. I’d enjoy getting to know each other. I think be concious of it and honest. Don’t do anything that puts you at risk eg overspending. Don’t undervalue yourself or compare with previous partners if they were right for him they’d be together still. Good luck.

Lurcherloves · 22/12/2020 22:15

You are enough as you are. If in the future you do something or ‘become’ something you will realise you are still the same person just in a different situation or with more experience.
I expect he enjoys your company and finds you attractive you bonded over the kids so have that in common. You really need to notice all the attributes you have that are valuable eg how you are good company.

Lurcherloves · 22/12/2020 22:17

@samyeagar that’s so refreshing

Redwinemaestro · 23/12/2020 02:39

Nothing wrong with an age gap of 15 years, especially when at 29 and 44. So many silly commenters here with their ego boost crap!

He may like you genuinely. Give him a chance. Spend time together, do things together, communicate well, get to know each other. Don't listen to these negative commenters.

soopedup · 23/12/2020 05:34

Lots of men have a “saviour” complex. They like to be the hero. Right now, he’s in charge. Everything he’s got is better than you plus you’re 15 years younger. You’ll lookup to him. Read back what you wrote “dates he’s planning for us”.
That’s not right is it? Why is he planning. You should be planning together. He knows your circumstances and yet he’s wanting to do things you can’t afford? That shows lack of understanding. What happens if you say no? Have you told him no yet? Without explanation. Just “no I don’t want to”. With his ex, he had to be an equal. Men don’t like being “less than”. Ego. This has red flags all over it. What do you like to do? If you said “actually I don’t want to do that thing. I live a simple life and only like to do things that don’t cost money like a trip to the park” what’s his reaction?
You should be very very wary

Mintyt · 23/12/2020 06:40

Just enjoy it for what it is, you like each other, he must know your situation even without you spelling it out to him, don't fret. If he enjoys your company and you his so what, just take baby steps, when I met my husband I was a recently left single parent with 3 children and worked from home as a childminder, he had his own company - I asked my friends why is he liking me what have I got to offer I'm just a mum but here we are 20 years later. There is so little happiness at the moment take it,

Someone said a man does not undress a size 18 woman and expect at size 8

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/12/2020 06:54

When Matt Damon met his wife she was a single mum working as a bar maid in Brazil where he was filming and they've been together for years.

Sounds like this man has been emasculated by the high powered women in his life and wants to feel important again.

ballsdeep · 23/12/2020 07:01

@FifteenToes

Or he could just like you.
This!! Maybe he just really likes the op?
Djouce · 23/12/2020 07:11

@TeachesOfPeaches

When Matt Damon met his wife she was a single mum working as a bar maid in Brazil where he was filming and they've been together for years.

Sounds like this man has been emasculated by the high powered women in his life and wants to feel important again.

Is it ‘emasculating’ for a man to be in a relationship with a woman who is just as professionally successful as he is? Hmm
Sunflowergirl1 · 23/12/2020 07:17

If it works ok for you and you enjoy it then fine. Go with it as long as you are not looking for a longer term relationship, more kids.

Whilst this might happen, it is more likely to not. What is really important for you @Lilyane is DO NOT give up your home to move in with him unless you are getting married as you could be left homeless

greenspacesoverthere · 23/12/2020 07:21

A lot of you is asking how old we are. I am 29 and he is 44

There's your answer

KiKiDeluxe · 23/12/2020 07:41

After a big relationship breakdown, some folk want something completely different, so I'm not sure the financial differences and the ex-wife law firm thing should be A big deal. I'd give it a go. Be confident and proud of who you are - but as other folk have said, tread carefully to start with

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