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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has just walked into house, moaned at dust, and taken DS until New Year

78 replies

Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 12:45

I don't know whether he is serious but feeling a bit shaky.

We split earlier in the year - he comes and sees DS when he likes. No real problem but he does spend time in the house.

Was meant to take DS out today, but found one thing after another to moan about. Then said I am incapable of looking after DS and house is filthy (it is not that bad) and got DS to pack a bag.

I said I would call the police but son quietly not to. He went very quiet.

Guess I will see whether he returns.

Left with the passing words - I have his passport Shock

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2020 12:46

How old is DS? Do you know where they’ve gone?

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 12:48

He's 13
No idea where. Ex will not tell me where he is living. It's local though

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2020 12:49

Has DS got a phone? Did he take it with him?

MumsDirtyTeaTowel · 19/12/2020 12:49

Police.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/12/2020 12:51

Police will only do a welfare check, they won’t get involved in custody disputes.

LouHotel · 19/12/2020 12:52

You call the police, what are you thinking not to.

Mooselaurels · 19/12/2020 12:52

@MumsDirtyTeaTowel

Police.
No crime has been committed if the dad has PR.
Lemonpiano · 19/12/2020 12:53

If he has PR and OP does not have a court order, the police have no powers here.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 12:54

Anne - yes DS has his phone with him
I was just thinking to send a message.
There is an ongoing situation of manipulation. DS is very close to his dad. So sure they are safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 12:54

I'm not sure how his mind works, but I think he using son to get at me

OP posts:
LouHotel · 19/12/2020 12:54

Withholding a child for two weeks without knowledge of where that child is along with the ''I have his passport' is more than enough to trigger a welfare check - this is about ensuring he's safe.

Startaler · 19/12/2020 12:56

So the police can't physically move a child from a parent who has PR unless concerns for welfare. However, if your ex has taken your child without telling you where he has taken him, it is classed as abduction as you have a right to know where he is. Also as your child is 13, they will take your child's wishes into consideration. I would phone the police.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 12:57

Guess I will just get on with things and see what happens by evening.

Apparently DS is always saying that I don't care about him. But this is partly put into his head by ex constantly critising everything I do (everything, it was so wearing)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2020 12:58

It sounds like he controlled you when you were together and is now being further abusive towards you now that you are apart. He has not changed a bit and now he is further using this 13 year old here as "punishment" against you for having the gall to leave him, this perfect specimen of men (so he thinks).

I guess there is no court ordered contact re access to his son here hence he waltzing in as he did. I would contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women asap.

I would also phone the police re a welfare check on your son.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 13:00

DS would say he is happy to be with his dad so there is nothing I can do I don't think

Just the passport comment was made in a bit of a threatening way.

I have the conversation taped as I wanted to play it back

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2020 13:00

Your 13 year old could all too easily grow up to be like his abuser of a father and your son too does not fully realise he is being manipulated by his dad. What he is doing here is parental alienation and trying to turn him against you as his mum.

Bridecilla · 19/12/2020 13:01

Honestly, how bad is your house? My dad would have taken me if I'd been living in a pit too.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 13:03

Atilla you have hit the nail on the head.

You made very helpful comments on an old post I made (and one under a different user name) thank you

I know my son is 'safe' with him. He is using him to get to me, and unfortunately I am seen as the bad party in this due his constant undermining comments about me

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 19/12/2020 13:04

You can have a marker put on his passport to ensure he isnt removed from the country without your permission

Message your son ask him to pop over Christmas day at least

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 13:05

Bridecilla
The house is not that bad. I had jus hoovered the whole house when he turned up - it was the dust on top of the wardrobe that he was moaning abiut

OP posts:
JazzyGeoff · 19/12/2020 13:06

How on earth is he seeing dust on top of the wardrobe in your home?

whataballbag · 19/12/2020 13:09

What does DS think about it? At 13 if court proceedings were to happen his wishes would be quite a big influencing factor.

Is there more to this?

BewareTheBeardedFatMan · 19/12/2020 13:13

I'd be inclined to stop allowing him into your home. Also get the marker on DS passport, though this comment may well have been made to deliberately upset you, it's better to be safe than sorry.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 13:14

Jazzy - the rest was clean, so he had to find something!

Court proceedings have been threatened by ex. He has been spending quite a bit of time with DS, and is very aware that at this age he can choose where to live. There is a strong chance he would say his dad - this may be partly due to fear?? Of upsetting his dad

I have become so ground down by it all that I am almost tempted to give in. But I don't honestly think that is fair on DS

OP posts:
Neverbeme · 19/12/2020 13:15

It’s his own child so police are not likely to do anything (they didn’t when I was in a similar situation with a much younger child.)