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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has just walked into house, moaned at dust, and taken DS until New Year

78 replies

Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 12:45

I don't know whether he is serious but feeling a bit shaky.

We split earlier in the year - he comes and sees DS when he likes. No real problem but he does spend time in the house.

Was meant to take DS out today, but found one thing after another to moan about. Then said I am incapable of looking after DS and house is filthy (it is not that bad) and got DS to pack a bag.

I said I would call the police but son quietly not to. He went very quiet.

Guess I will see whether he returns.

Left with the passing words - I have his passport Shock

OP posts:
rwalker · 19/12/2020 13:15

At 13 take the lead from your son highly unlikely the police would bring your son back as not in danger.
Ds would have a lot of input with any court procedings . Honestly if you made him say with you you would push him further away and h'd resent you.

AnnieKenney · 19/12/2020 13:19

There's a whole community here that you might find useful: thecourtsaid.org/

doctorhamster · 19/12/2020 13:20

Do you have plans to take ds abroad anytime soon op? If not I would report the passport lost or stolen.

namechanging202020 · 19/12/2020 13:22

Does your son have an iPhone ? Could use find my friends ?

BlackeyedSusan · 19/12/2020 13:24

you need legal advice asap. you can, i think, apply for a prohibited steps order to stop him leaving the country. but get legal advice. not from some random (me) on the internet.

MitziK · 19/12/2020 13:24

The other bits you aren't really able to do a great deal about right now - but you could definitely report the passport as lost. That would take one aspect of this worry off your mind, in that he wouldn't be leaving the country with your DS.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 13:25

I honestly want whatever is best for DS. And if he really wants to live with his dad he can.
But, his dad is controlling - all ok if he gets his own way. Also has hardly any friends so very 'dependent' upon constant adoration from DS.
Not sure this is so healthy, lots of hugs when his dad leaves the house. Miss you son - love you - over and over, when he will probably see him the next day. It sort of exaggerates the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 13:27

Unfortunately it's a Samsung, otherwise the phone tracing would be great

OP posts:
Lucked · 19/12/2020 13:29

You cannot let him in your house again, if he has keys get the locks changed now and if he enters and won’t leave phone the police. You need firmer boundaries. If DS is safe I would leave it for today but contact DS later.

Seriously do not let this man over the threshold of your house again.

madcatladyforever · 19/12/2020 13:30

When your DS returns you need to get a proper court order for access. It isn't acceptable at all your ex coming to the house whenever he wants and you don't know where he lives. That's disgusting.
There should be no contact between you whatsoever except minimal handover and if he is going to behave like a child he needs to be treated like a child.

Beautifulbonnie · 19/12/2020 13:31

I’m so sorry. This happened to my cousin when he was 5. I was there when he took him. It’s horrific. Sending love

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 13:37

How stressful. I would wait a bit then call or text DS just to keep communication open. There is really no point calling the police but you can get legal advice to consider applying for a prohibited steps order to stop them going abroad.
At 13, DS can choose where he lives pretty much so it's best to keep communication open and as polite and non emotive as possible. Don't give XH any mileage to claim you're 'crazy' or manipulating DS.

Thelnebriati · 19/12/2020 13:41

I had similar issues with ex and was told that him refusing to tell you where he lives and where your child is counts as both abuse and a safeguarding concern.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 13:43

@Thelnebriati

I had similar issues with ex and was told that him refusing to tell you where he lives and where your child is counts as both abuse and a safeguarding concern.
Who told you that?
sadie9 · 19/12/2020 13:44

The lack of boundaries is what's difficult for your son.
Is your Ex consistent? Does he do what he says he'll do...Like if he sats he'll be there at 3pm is he there at 3pm?
Your son doesn't know where he's supposed to be, who he's supposed to be or when. He's being used by both of you in some ways as leverage on the other.
You are also rowing in front of him.
Your son had to 'protect' his Dad from the police this morning.
He's only 13. He probably thought his Dad would be put in jail because of him.
What a responsibility has been put on this child because it's not sorted out.
Get Mediation please.

5zeds · 19/12/2020 13:47

I wonder if the dramatic goodbyes happen if you aren’t there?

Basecamp65 · 19/12/2020 13:52

What you are doing is the right thing - wait and see what happens but start to get the information you might need if this does not resolve itself.

You can try and contact your son and it would be acceptable to contact your ex to find out when he is bringing him back - heck you have a life and need to know if you can go to friends etc.

In the long term this needs to be sorted out properly but this will be much harder if you go off half cocked now.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/12/2020 13:53

Can he even take your son from the country at the moment?

The fact that he may try could be enough to get the police to look into this.

Thelnebriati · 19/12/2020 13:53

CodenameVillanelle Social Services and a police officer. Ex also used to make threats such as 'I have his passport'.
SS had concerns such as 'what if you had an accident and had to inform him'.

Its not acceptable to take a child for several weeks and not inform the mother where he will be living. This isn't about 'fathers rights', its just basic parenting to know where your child is staying and when you can expect them home.

oakleaffy · 19/12/2020 13:53

0@Anamechangeforthisone

A woman I know had a son who was very close to his mum, but then wanted to stay with his dad 16 miles away.

He was about 14.

Mum was obviously really upset.

It is tricky..
You have to let them choose, but when the dad hasn’t a new partner, they seem to rely a lot on sons particularly.

It is often the OW that puts her foot down about teenaged boys or girls living with them full time .

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 13:58

@Thelnebriati

CodenameVillanelle Social Services and a police officer. Ex also used to make threats such as 'I have his passport'. SS had concerns such as 'what if you had an accident and had to inform him'.

Its not acceptable to take a child for several weeks and not inform the mother where he will be living. This isn't about 'fathers rights', its just basic parenting to know where your child is staying and when you can expect them home.

Of course you should know where he is and refusing to disclose the address may be part of a pattern of abuse but it's not abuse per se. It's also not a 'safeguarding concern' as it doesn't risk the child's safety. That's not to say it's ok and if you go to court he may be forced to disclose his address but I dislike the use of 'safeguarding concern' about things that are not in fact safeguarding issues.
1WildPartridgeInAPearTree · 19/12/2020 13:58

If he has taken your son as means of getting at you (rather than just deep love for his son) then you need to make sure you do not appear to be distressed.

Thank him for the break? (Looking after a 13 year old can really take it out of you etc. )

If he sees you apparently enjoying your freedom... say dressed up for going out/'seeing' someone etc. then he is likely to return your son pretty soon. His game will have failed.

LadyFelsham · 19/12/2020 14:00

When he said he was taking him-what do you understand this to mean?

Does it mean for the weekend or is he trying to permanent change custody arrangements?

If the former, I think I would maintain telephone contact with DS and find out his true feelings when he comes home?

Obviously, you have to do this as well if it is the latter but you may also need to invoke the court if your EX now wants custody.

Why was he upstairs looking at the top of a wardrobe?

If your house is a bit messy and you think he might set this against you-although I understand a house has to be almost a health hazard before custody can be changed-then maybe spend an hour or so clearing up and take pictures of it looking lovely.

I wouldn't be dusting the top of a wardrobe though!

EileenGC · 19/12/2020 14:00

Is your ex a citizen of another country? Could he try to take your son out of the UK (or wherever you are)?

I'd be worried as he hasn't told you when he's returning your son, or where they were going.

myneighboursarerude · 19/12/2020 14:01

Deep breath.

Police to do a welfare check. It doesn’t matter how ‘safe’ you think he is. More than anything it shows him you will not be walked all over.

Then contact the courts on Monday. He cannot take your child and walk out. He thinks he can because he thinks you won’t fight him. Prove the fucker wrong.

Bullies only back down when they’re stood up to. Send a polite text saying you expect DS to be returned as per the custody arrangement. Start collecting all messages.

He cannot abscond with your child for a fortnight. You cannot let him. Because during that time he will be poisoning your son to Mum doesn’t care and slowly your son will believe it.

He’ll take him for two weeks this time, next time he won’t bring him back.