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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has just walked into house, moaned at dust, and taken DS until New Year

78 replies

Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 12:45

I don't know whether he is serious but feeling a bit shaky.

We split earlier in the year - he comes and sees DS when he likes. No real problem but he does spend time in the house.

Was meant to take DS out today, but found one thing after another to moan about. Then said I am incapable of looking after DS and house is filthy (it is not that bad) and got DS to pack a bag.

I said I would call the police but son quietly not to. He went very quiet.

Guess I will see whether he returns.

Left with the passing words - I have his passport Shock

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 19/12/2020 14:02

CodenameVillanelle
Domestic abuse directed at the mother can affect the child (especially as in mine and OP's case it happened in front of the child and is changing the childs behaviour) so in that sense its a safeguarding concern.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 14:04

@Thelnebriati

CodenameVillanelle Domestic abuse directed at the mother can affect the child (especially as in mine and OP's case it happened in front of the child and is changing the childs behaviour) so in that sense its a safeguarding concern.
Yes, as I said refusing to disclose the address may be part of a pattern of abuse but by itself it can't be called abuse. I'm sorry that happened to you.
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/12/2020 14:06

Can you check the location of DS’s phone?

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 19/12/2020 14:09

You can trace a Samsung if it's connected to a Google account.

30mph · 19/12/2020 14:10

You must get a welfare check. Put your sensible head on.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 14:10

@30mph

You must get a welfare check. Put your sensible head on.
Why though? What will she be saying to the police? They won't go round unless the child is actually at risk of harm.
mummmy2017 · 19/12/2020 14:15

You need to get it recorded, somewhere or the ex will say you just don't care.

30mph · 19/12/2020 14:20

Why though? What will she be saying to the police? They won't go round unless the child is actually at risk of harm.

Threatening behaviour. Telling the child to pack a bag. Saying 'I have his passport'.

Imagine if he does follow through this time. Unlikely perhaps. But, a welfare check ensures at the very least that his behaviour is logged.

And, if the child is not actually okay, then no time is lost.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 14:24

@30mph

Why though? What will she be saying to the police? They won't go round unless the child is actually at risk of harm.

Threatening behaviour. Telling the child to pack a bag. Saying 'I have his passport'.

Imagine if he does follow through this time. Unlikely perhaps. But, a welfare check ensures at the very least that his behaviour is logged.

And, if the child is not actually okay, then no time is lost.

Ok, she can try, but he didn't threaten her and the passport comment requires her to get legal advice as the police can't stop him going abroad even if they catch them in the act of packing their suitcases.
ChristmasTreeFairy5000 · 19/12/2020 14:31

Text your ex and tell him thanks for taking DS. Now you can go to your friends house (don't specifically name a friend, perhaps imply friend is male), get drunk and stay over.

DS will suddenly be returned to you.

HannaYeah · 19/12/2020 14:32

Make sure to document all of his behavior going forward. Keep a journal of everything. Take pictures of the house, the food, clothes, etc in case he attempts to say you’re unfit.

Also as someone already said, change your locks and don’t let him in again.

Who pays for your son’s phone? Get him an iPhone so you can track going forward.

Keep in touch with your son and keep things light.

It’s tricky about involving the police. Give it some thought. I probably would but not sure.

girlwhowearsglasses · 19/12/2020 14:38

Hi OP does your ex have ties with another country? That would be the worry fo rme.
I'm sorry you're going through that

Tistheseason17 · 19/12/2020 14:38

2 messages.

1 - to DS advising you love them and as soon as they want to come home you would love to have them and will be there for them

2 to ex - thank you for having DS for 2 weeks. I
m going to stay with some friends to message me on mobile if you need me to collect DS (do not mention alcohol as he will use against you)

And... change the locks. Do not let him in to make you feel this way. Please speak to Womens Aid to get some support so you can handle his manipulation and abuse.

Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 14:41

I did call 101 just to talk through. As expected, because I am not worried for DSs safety, there is nothing they can do. This is ok

I think we need to have some arrangements in place as ex just comes when it suits him (with notice)

I was going to go down the emergency court order route, this was before lockdown. Then tried to keep it more amicable

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamechangeforthisone · 19/12/2020 14:41

I've already messaged DS to say I love him

OP posts:
HannaYeah · 19/12/2020 14:46

Are there any family members that might be helpful.

It’s mind-blowing that a parent can take a child for potentially weeks leaving the other with no recourse.

HannaYeah · 19/12/2020 14:49

I would not send any message indicating you are ok with any of this to either of them.

I might send a message say “I expect to see son on Christmas Day and for him to be returned to me on X date.”

Do you have a friend or neighbor that can come and look at the house to have support if he tries to claim its unclean or you are neglectful?

I’d absolutely file that emergency custody order ASAP.

crystalize · 19/12/2020 14:53

Agree with people saying to not look distressed when he picks up son and to say thank you to ex for giving you free time to pursue your activities/seeing friends etc. Even if you're feeling sick inside... I did similar years ago, worked look a bloody predictable dream. All of a sudden it was 'please can you collect DS Im not feeling well' blah blah.

If he's doing this to punish you (which it sounds like) then he'll be getting off on you getting anxious and upset. This needs to change. Fake it til you make it.

And absolutely do NOT let him into your house again.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 14:55

You'll have to get legal advice before filing for a child arrangement order. You will probably need to try mediation first. I suspect that trying to go through court will be expensive and stressful for not much outcome. Please get legal advice though, none of us know what is the likely outcome.

clpsmum · 19/12/2020 14:58

Phone the police

beavisandbutthead · 19/12/2020 14:58

Doing the best for your DS isnt allowing an abusive ex to walk in and out of your home when he feels like it. DC need to have consistency. This should be the one safe place both you and your DS have but he doesnt even have that.You need to set some rules around access tpo your home. Your DS is old enough to make his own arrangements with his dad and that should not involved your home..

My dad did what your ex does now, would turn up to my mums house, she was terrified and he would simply take us with him, he turned up at school and took my young sister away too. It was all about control and I certainly had no interest in moving with him however the anxiety i felt every time he would appear has not left me as an adult. It was always about pleasing dad

greenlentilandturmeric · 19/12/2020 14:59

He is not permitted to take your DS abroad without your permission. It is a criminal offence and could be classed as abduction. if he gets a live with order from the court then he IS able to take him out for a max of 28 days without your permission. if there is no court order he cannot.

Talj to a solicitor. You are evry unlikely to get an emergency court hearing this close to christmas if there are no immediate safeguarding concerns. But make sure the solicitor has all that information so that when you do go to court you can ask for a live with order and a prohibited steps order and the fact he used this as a threat against you will likely go against him.

Good luck.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/12/2020 15:02

@clpsmum

Phone the police
She already has. RTFT
Nousernameforme · 19/12/2020 15:07

Text ds twice a day once in morning once at night. So you are not pestering but he knows you are thinking of him. Keep it light lots of hope your having fun did you have a nice day etc. Nothing that can be twisted as nagging but equally ex can't say you don't care. I would be tempted to make up a gorgeous man that has invited you to join his Christmas bubble but ex might twist that into you not caring about ds

ArcheryAnnie · 19/12/2020 15:13

So you don't know where ex lives, but your ex wanders into your house anytime he feels like it? Please, please change your locks.