He is unkind

[Therealthing43]

I'm struggling. I've fallen for someone who i think has been using me. The initial warning signs were there, but I ignored them!. I've really put myself through the mill and really want to turn things around and try to find myself again. I'm not sure if it is because of Covid that I've allowed it to happen, feeling lonely and wanting to find love. The whole relationship has left me feeling depressed and worthless.
Little comments from him to put me down but disguised as his 'sense of humour' I'm actually embarrassed to even write them and put up with his shit. I need to break the cycle but I hold on, let him back in and I know he is OK and 'bouncing back'
Really not sure what I'm looking for here, I'm scared, feel a shell of my former self, un motivated to do anything and Christmas is around the corner. I'm struggling!

You can do it, I know you can, ditch the prat. Have you any friends or family you can open up to. Even going for a short (socially distanced) walk with a friend could make you feel much better. New year's coming, it's a good time to make some changes xx

When he puts you down, he is being disrespectful. If you allow him to do that you are showing him that you are ok with this and it would suggest that you don't respect yourself either. Love yourself and do not put up with that shit.

Thank you, I need to fight back. Yes, he is very disrespectful to me and it has triggered a depression. Feelings of not being good enough, what did I do wrong, I'm not intelligent enough. He talks about himself mostly, I don't feel considered or like I can even join in a conversation before it turns back to him. I'm left feeling unfulfilled and alone. I need to get stronger and somehow find self respect to walk away. He is cruel and puts me down

This sounds like emotional abuse OP. The two of you are locked in a cycle and the more you try to please him, to fix yourself for him, the more he disdains you and berates you.
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE that you are WORTH MORE THAN THIS.
Imagine it was your daughter or sister being treated like this.
You must extract yourself. Leave now instead of hoping he'll change.He won't.

It is emotional abuse and its dangerous! He is very clever at disguising and using words to hurt/put down and use against me. I've no idea why I have let him do it. Perhaps because I can see another side and had hope along with being very attracted to him. Why is he doing it?

You already know this isn’t right op. Do what you need to do and get your life back. New year, new start.

Op you will never know why he is doing it. But it is his problem. It is nothing to do with you.

I’d block and delete on everything. Final message of “ you know this really isn’t working for me. I wish you all the best in the future Please don’t contact me again. “

Then keep busy. Lean on family and friends or the samaritans for support. Write a list of things you want to achieve. Exercise, eat well, make some plans for next year. There will be tough days but just take them minute by minute and get through them. You deserve better

I've known it for a long time yes. It is like I'm hooked and can't let go and keep forgiving. I go back and it doesn't change. I'm dominated, controlled, not respected. I know I need to take responsibility and stick to it. I can't help blame myself though. For a strange reason it is like it has become a focus. He is fine, sometimes I wonder if he enjoys doing it, like he is a bully. Strangely charming otherwise to other people though. I'm not an equal.
I just need to get through Christmas.
The issue is I'm working from home and feel quite isolated away from friends and work colleagues. I don't feel I can share with family. I just want to know, why. I think he has done it before, he has had a string of women.

OP he is a narcissist/sociopath and this is how they roll. They can be so good at drawing you in, it's like they brainwash you and diminish your sense of self so you see everything how they want you to see it and can't get away. The 'why' is because that's how narcissists are, that's what they do, and yes of course he's done it before and is probably doing it to more than one woman right now. You need to get him out of your life, this kind of abuse only gets worse. Find a friend to talk to and don't let this man near you again.

There are a lot of good resources online for people in your situation, OP. psychopathsandlove.com/the-cult-of-two-psychopaths-and-brainwashing/

A really good book is The Verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. Also check out YouTube Dr Ramani for more understanding.

What you describe is the trauma bond. Once you understand the toxicity and his tactics it helps to break the hold he has over you.

I'm very lucky i have no ties to him. I'm independent and normally very strong. I've been through far worse but this has really taken its toll. Its only been 7 months!

He is nice some of the time because even abusers aren’t abusive all the time. No-one would tolerate that. Every relationship feels good when things are going well. That’s why I think the best measure of an LTR is not how it feels when things are going well but when they’re not. When things are going well with my DH, it’s great. When they’re not, it’s a bit meh. Neither of us feels diminished, wretched or hopeless.

Your feelings of isolation are making you more vulnerable to this man and causing you to tolerate sh1t which you wouldn’t otherwise tolerate. So you need to reach out to family and friends even if just virtually.

Also relationships like this, where you’re fed crumbs, are addictive and you need to go cold turkey to get over them.

Agree with PP that you need to reach out to friends and family.

You need to be spending time building up your strength by spending time (either on the phone or facetime) with people who love and care about you, because the more time you spend with them, the stronger you will feel (and the less time/ opportunity he will have to put you down).

Make yourself busy so you don't have any free time. Make a schedule so you have a plan of how you're going to spend your time (and if you struggle to fill all your time, invent jobs eg clean the oven, decorate the bedroom, ANYTHING you can think of ! Play some good music and get busy !

When you spend your time being constructive, being creative, being valued and gaining a sense of pride and satisfaction, you will find it so much easier to dump him.

This isn't you, it's him. He'd be like this with anyone. He's trying to put you down to gain control. It will only get worse and you will be too weak to fight it. I have seen in a friend the result if this. She is entirely brainwashed despite having left him. It's inescapable and devastating. Please use the strength you have to cut him out if your life.

What's your house and financial situation like? You're not married, are you?

Thank you for the advice. I'm feeling more together today and at peace. My confidence is very low and it is like I am almost scared to be myself. I will get there. I wish I had some people I could hang out with, or even I know my work colleagues would be supportive although I'm not really ready to reach out. Christmas is proving to be a good distraction, wrapping presents etc. I do have plenty of little projects I can get on with, plus I'm working a lot of Christmas.
I keep thinking, why? just why? I really don't understand why he would treat me the way he has despite saying he loves me?
No financial ties, only dating 6 months. I can walk away. I really liked him though? I wonder what I can learn and also what part I played in this. Perhaps not respecting my own boundaries. We are on completely different wavelengths at times and he doesn't seem to respect the subtleties of life

Well done op.
Keep building yourself back up. Doing projects is a good idea. Have you tried meetup.com in your area? There are usually hiking or social groups. Maybe something for the new year?
You can keep asking why but honestly, does the answer make a difference? He does it and doesn’t care about how it affects you. What else is there to know?
It’s time to move on to a better life.

Would being without him really make you more unhappy than you are now?

He got angry and aggressive. In fact I think he either has/is cheating. It is definitely over. I feel so small and he has done it on purpose. Deliberate acts to hurt and bully me and keep me questioning. I think he has met the other woman tonight.

Hi Op,
Mr. Angry and aggressive is terrible news. I hear how sad you are feeling now, but honestly, he is a total cunt, and you are a lovely and kind and sweet person. Let this total piece of scum go and find some love for your own lovely self because you deserve it.

Old woman talking here.

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws, thank you. I'm so hurt. He absolutely is a total dick. I should not have ignored the warning signs. I'm letting him go. I'm just numb. I think he has cheated. How do I get past this, the not knowing?

Please cut contact and block him. You don't need this man in your life.

He makes you feel bad, he is deliberately cruel and you don't trust him. Whether he is cheating or not doesn't matter. Why he is like this doesn't matter. Just make a plan of how to leave/end it.

Do you live together? If not get anything important you have at his house then ditch him by phone if it feels easier you don't owe him anything. Dont go into the reasons if you don't want to.

You deserve much more.

Op keep posting on here.
We will support you to get through this.

The damage that an abusive relationship does can stay with you for life.
Get away from it whilst you have no ties.

You can do this.

He was angry and aggressive last night and has blocked me everywhere so problem is solved there. I'm feeling really rubbish, confused, doubting myself. I guess it will become clear in time. I'm annoyed ignored the red flags. Right from our very first date, he talked about himself. Everything was about him. No empathy, 7 months later I still don't know his history, nothing was shared, no vulnerability. He did admit to a lot of relationships. The whole experience has left me a shell of my firmer self