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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is unkind

73 replies

Therealthing43 · 19/12/2020 06:21

I'm struggling. I've fallen for someone who i think has been using me. The initial warning signs were there, but I ignored them!. I've really put myself through the mill and really want to turn things around and try to find myself again. I'm not sure if it is because of Covid that I've allowed it to happen, feeling lonely and wanting to find love. The whole relationship has left me feeling depressed and worthless.
Little comments from him to put me down but disguised as his 'sense of humour' I'm actually embarrassed to even write them and put up with his shit. I need to break the cycle but I hold on, let him back in and I know he is OK and 'bouncing back'
Really not sure what I'm looking for here, I'm scared, feel a shell of my former self, un motivated to do anything and Christmas is around the corner. I'm struggling!

OP posts:

MoJoBangles · 30/12/2020 20:46

What you and his previous girlfriends saw in him was the facade. Think about how charming Ted Bundy was? He clearly goes after successful women (to try and make himself look better) but it just goes to show how women from any background can be affected by abuse.

If you could only see what pathetic creatures they are, it would remove any attraction instantly. He's abusive because it makes him feel powerful. That's all they want, power and control and will go to any lengths to achieve that. You win by not engaging, going no contact and moving on with your life without giving him a second thought. You will look back and realise what a lucky escape you had. You could have spent 6 years with this wanker (like I did) rather than 6 months.

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 30/12/2020 21:15

@MoJoBangles I think you have hit the nail on the head. The ptsd, I have dipped my toes in a few times but I think I am possibly projecting into new relationships so scared re previous abusive and yes he has triggered me. I still have nightmares when in bed with some new (sleeping) when I'm single it doesn't happen. The level of anxiety I feel in a new relationship I'm not sure is 'normal' I overthink, am too cautious etc. I took my time with him but I didn't let him overstep my boundaries. He doesn't understand this at all. He asked me to agree we were taking a break. (control) I'm guessing for him to have the go ahead to meet new people if he isn't back online already. He made a fake online profile to check up on me and told me! (odd!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 30/12/2020 21:17

@MoJoBangles, sorry you have also been through this over a much longer time. Do you feel over him now? did he move on quickly?

OP posts:

pictish · 30/12/2020 21:27

He asked me to agree we were taking a break.

Translation - he’s free to hook up with whoever he likes but would still prefer to keep you in reserve.

I hope you said, no I don’t fucking agree, you chancing twat.

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 30/12/2020 21:36

I said I wasn't agreeing to anything! The more space from him, the more clarity I get. It made me paranoid, it made me question the boundaries between real and not.

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Doingitaloneandproud · 30/12/2020 21:43

Ahh I'm really sorry you're going through this. It resonates with me as I went through the same thing back in May/June, asked for a break, he went on tinder and got with a new girl. He had a very professional job, would tell me he was private so no sign of us on social media, talked about himself all the time and how good he is.
It took me a fair few months to feel good about myself, I'm not saying it will with you, but give yourself time. I look back now and can see from his behaviour (that and other things) he is a total narcissist. And you will feel much better one day that he isn't in your life, I know it doesn't feel like it but honestly he's don you a favour. You deserve more x

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 30/12/2020 21:52

Talks about himself, doesn't listen to me or is interested in me. He says he is confident who he is. There are things that are outing but at the start there may have been an overlap with another woman. He tried to dominate me, spoke to me as if he was my manager and not connected. Yet he wanted me to be his life partner. The previous women he was with and met their kids, of course he says he didn't live them. This rang alarm bells. Why meet their kids? He said he 'isn't perfect'. Also using words to hurt where there could have been different meanings but not if written in paper if that makes sense.. the tone.
I haven't had this kind of relationship before. The previous abusive one was very different. This was more power games. There have been a few days I've been unable to function. In his message he says everything positive he is now going to do with his life (now he is not with me) although he is still open to it.

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Doingitaloneandproud · 30/12/2020 22:00

Honestly it sounds so familiar, and if you feel anything like I did, it is awful. I felt broken to be honest. My ex met my child, used to talk about us buying a property and even having a child together but he used to always talk only about himself, his career was more important, he even once asked me if I thought his penis was better than the others I'd had If I questioned anything he'd make me feel pretty stupid or not talk to me for a few days.
It was one of the worst relationships i had been in and yet at the start he was the best person I'd met in years. It's like they wear a mask and when it slips you see the real them.
Best advice is go no contact, it took me longer than I like to admit, before I stopped hoping he'd contact me, and I actually ended up blocking him on social media and my phone so he could never contact me again. I realised my worth and you will too, keep busy though to distract your mind from wandering to thoughts of him

thethoughtfox · 30/12/2020 22:02

'The whole relationship has left me feeling depressed and worthless.'

Just keep repeating this. In fact, can you change his name on your phone to this?

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 30/12/2020 22:10

@Doingitaloneandproud, oh yes the making you feel stupid and not intelligent! rubbish! Also withdrawing. Asking me if HE should say goodnight or being mid conversation and him saying 'sorry this conversation isn't productive'
Little put downs! In fact I remember him saying 'silly cow' I was so shocked! but then he changed it to something else and I questioned if I was hearing things!
He has had a few different names in my phone now!
Yes its like he was even disconnected from him, his penis was a 'thing' I think he was paranoid about size

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Doingitaloneandproud · 30/12/2020 22:30

Very well done on the phone name change, my ex's name was changed to a very rude word before deleted. It fitted him though
Honestly they are awful with saying things under their breath, mine once told me to fuck off when he was driving, but so angrily and then it was as if nothing had been said.
Crazy how some people can behave towards those they're in relationships with!

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 31/12/2020 16:44

So, its NYE and again I'm single. Reflecting back on the year and am feeling sad. I know I mustn't dwell but still. I wonder what he is doing and if there is someone else

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Rainbowshine · 31/12/2020 17:17

No no no! Don’t feel sad feel brilliant! You got rid of this total waste of space, you have plenty to celebrate tonight. Put some good dancing music on and move like no one is watching! Every time your brain begins to even start an inkling of a thought about him think of something nicer, like fluffy kittens or chocolate or anything!

MorrisZapp · 31/12/2020 17:28

Twats like this love to keep you dangling, so expect incoming at midnight. Can you really not face blocking him?

MorrisZapp · 31/12/2020 17:29

Lol that sounded very Dickensian! WHEN THE BELL TOLLS ONE

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 31/12/2020 18:13

I don't think I'll hear from him again, I ignored his suggestive message
I really miss him. I don't get it! This is why we went in a cycle

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Rainbowshine · 31/12/2020 18:33

You don’t miss him, not the real him. You miss the fake version of him. Best to block him, even if it’s just for tonight, so he’s not able to contact you. Take control of this. You control your mind, if you think about him distract yourself by thinking of something better. What you can do now without him there, criticising or doing you down. What food you love that he wouldn’t have. The freedom you have now, the choices, without this horrible man pulling you back and squashing the life and energy out of you.

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 21:53

Jesus he sounds like a right TWADGE....

OP you are well rid.. just remember who he is... that is exactly how he will be treating every woman he meets... so relish your escape...

Happy New Year OP

Backtoblack1 · 31/12/2020 23:14

You might be single but that is better than being with a horrid little twerp. I was having a miserable time with my ex this time last year and we eventually split for good just before lockdown. He got together with someone quickly afterwards and it’s been constantly plastered all over SM for me to see. We aren’t friends on any SM so he even goes to the liberty of making everything public. He’s just an absolute dick tbh. You are well rid x

Sn0tnose · 31/12/2020 23:49

I wonder what he is doing and if there is someone else

I think that you should work on the assumption that there is someone else. It stops you wondering and gets you to the stage where the thought of him does nothing but repulse you, just that bit faster.

Original poster

Therealthing43 · 01/01/2021 08:15

Happy New Year to all!
Well, no message and he has now blocked me on social media. I held off doing it. A few days ago he sent a friend request. This is not the type of guy who is reliable and if things go wrong would be fair eg I'm thinking if we had ever moved in together then split. I know its for the best, just need to come to terms with it. I guess this really is a fresh start for the new year

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Backtoblack1 · 01/01/2021 08:27

Happy new year! You are free to be happy and find somebody who is kind. Leave that loser in last year! X

vintageyoda · 01/01/2021 08:48

Have you considered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, OP? Inevitably, it is you who must train yourself to stop telling yourself you miss this idiot. How we frame our own situations in our inner dialogue and vocally determines our choices in life to a much bigger degree than most of us realise. Unless you take action to think more healthily there will be some other abusive twat waiting for you somewhere down the line.
You are strong, OP, you have control. You have lots of lovely people on MN rooting for you. Reach out to your family / friends and learn to value yourself. That is how we avoid these arseholes in life.

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