He is unkind

[Therealthing43]

I'm struggling. I've fallen for someone who i think has been using me. The initial warning signs were there, but I ignored them!. I've really put myself through the mill and really want to turn things around and try to find myself again. I'm not sure if it is because of Covid that I've allowed it to happen, feeling lonely and wanting to find love. The whole relationship has left me feeling depressed and worthless.
Little comments from him to put me down but disguised as his 'sense of humour' I'm actually embarrassed to even write them and put up with his shit. I need to break the cycle but I hold on, let him back in and I know he is OK and 'bouncing back'
Really not sure what I'm looking for here, I'm scared, feel a shell of my former self, un motivated to do anything and Christmas is around the corner. I'm struggling!

Op block him back on everything. Even though he’s blocked you anyway, It’s a step of control that you can take that will help you to move on.
What would you advise any of us in this situation?
It’s hard now but it will get easier and there will be a time when you look back and think wtf.

[quote Therealthing43]@Rebelwithverysharpclaws, thank you. I'm so hurt. He absolutely is a total dick. I should not have ignored the warning signs. I'm letting him go. I'm just numb. I think he has cheated. How do I get past this, the not knowing?[/quote]
You do know OP, and just in time. It is his behaviour that has made you into the weak, vulnerable person you are. It's a ploy to keep you interested/dependant.
Men like this are scum and your feelings for him are not real. They are a result of coercive control.

Glad you've seen the light. Block him back and remind yourself everyday that you've dodged a bullet there. Please reinstate your strength. My friend is still haunted by shame and doubt. It's heartbreaking!

He probably had the feeling that you were no longer in awe of him, so set himself up with someone new before you could dump him. People like this, who don't have anything to be proud of (or who feel like that deep down as e.g. they will never meet their parents' high expectations) rely on having someone else to make them feel like a hero. They sing their own praises to impress people, and enjoy the brief period in which those unknowing people really are impressed. Another way they make themselves feel big is to make other people feel small, so that they feel bigger and better in comparison. Without these other people making them feel better about themselves, they feel like shit. Hence the moves from one relationship to the next.

This guy is a sorry specimen who clearly can't build a proper relationship because of whatever issues he has. No doubt you already pity his new victim, but honestly, he's the biggest loser here.

He kept me guessing, was ambitious, secretive with his phone, smirking st his phone but wouldn't say who it was. Said he was making plans, meeting a friend for a walk but wouldn't say who. Met someone he previously slept with at the beginning of our relationship and cooked for her whilst I was cooking for him. I have been single for years, I let him in and I'm disappointed and angry this has happened following a previous abusive relationship. Will I ever break out of the cycle?

*ambigious

The freedom programme is worth looking at @Therealthing43. It’s run by Women’s Aid and you can do it online. It would help you answer the questions you have about the why and what you can watch out for.

Thank you. I think there will be a period of denial, I'm in denial and not ready to face or come to terms with what has happened. I'm numb at the moment and none of it feels real. I can't stop thinking about him even thought it was abusive and toxic and I don't even know if he is with anyone else or has one lined up. I can only pity that person for being next in line to his behaviour

You have had a lucky escape from a horrid man ,well done for seeing the light, and you will know better on future. Be kind to yourself, Have a happy Christmas and look forward not back.
he is the past now.

💐 🌹 🌸 🏵 🌼 💐 🌹 🌸

Might be a good idea to write down every horrible thing he has said to you. Make it real iyswim. Read it any time you feel you might let him back into your life.

Like Moviestar has said, you’ve had one heck of a lucky escape!

Please view it this way, you’ve been so so lucky.

Thank you. Yes, a lucky escape, but feeling very low and traumatised. Confidence at rock bottom and thankful I'm working from home. It has broken me. I think I'd be off sick otherwise. I have written things down he has said yes. I just need to come to terms with it. Work out how I can prevent in future. I noticed he has now unblocked me on social media and WhatsApp. He remains blocked by me on WhatsApp but I'm not blocking him on social media as I don't want him to think I'm checking. Not sure why he unblocked me though.

He is probably waiting for you to come back crawling back to him , not because he genuinely cares but for his ego.
Don't feel bad because you opened up to someone , better to be you an honest person looking for a real relationship than to be him.
You can look yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself. All you did was be open honest and genuine.
It didn't take you very long to cop on to his nasty games, so don't feel bad. You could have wasted years on him.
Fresh new year coming and the person who deserves you can now meet you , now that you are free of the pig.
Eat chocolate ,watch movies and have a little cry ,its been an awful year.
Spring and happier times around the corner.

@Therealthing43 I really recommend reading this:

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

If you’re worried about falling into a pattern or trying to make sense of his behaviour it will help.

I would also block him on social media or if you are more comfortable at least downgrade him to be an acquaintance instead of a friend or limit what he can see on your profiles.

Have you told friends that you’ve split up with him? Ask them to be your voice of reason if you get tempted to interact with him again.

You will hurt for a while but you will feel better.

He's a dick. Men like him enjoy slowly destroying women. He's enjoying watching you suffer. Don't waste anymore of your depleted energy on him. Make a mental decision to end it. If you can't face dealing with him now, tell him you think you have Covid and need to isolate to get headspace. Put in place whatever plans you need to finish it up and action them in the NY.

At the same time start planning what you want out of life.

Keep posting on here. Start to reach out in a small way IRL. Watch overthinking/ruminating - it does no good.

Organise some counselling in the NY over skype. It might not be what you'd do normally, but you need to build your self esteem and stop tearing yourself down. It will help.

Good luck and keep posting.

Thank you. So he sent a heartfelt message 23.12 then a Merry Christmas on Christmas day. I did send Merry Christmas back but nothing since. I'm trying to process and really come to terms and accept its the end.
It seemed so good initially looking back with rose tinted glasses which I guess is common. I hate the swinging of emotions but they have settled a little. Could do with a breakup buddy.

@Therealthing43 it really will get better with time. My advice would be to go completely no contact with him. It helps you recover sooner. It really does work. In the meantime be kind to yourself, make some small plans for projects to do etc. Keep your mind occupied. You will get over this man sooner than you think. In a month or two you’ll be looking back wondering what the hell you ever saw in him and thanking your lucky stars that he’s out of your life. You’ll be much happier, I promise. You’ll have rocky days to start with but they’ll pass.

Ok so you’ve done the polite thing of Christmas wishes, now you block him on everything. Do it now. No hesitation.

@Rainbowshine

Ok so you’ve done the polite thing of Christmas wishes, now you block him on everything. Do it now. No hesitation.

Absolutely this, onwards and most definitely upwards!

I honestly think you are dating my ex! He sounds exactly like him. Best thing you can do is go no contact - you will soon see things more clearly x

@Backtoblack1 I wonder! he has had a lot of relationships (at his admission) i don't even know how many! plus encounters. He just seemed to WANT to argue, always be right, contradict whatever I said. Maybe it was to push away. He said he has been incredibly unhappy and vulnerable (blaming me) then sent a random message how he could do with a thigh massage?!!

Block the loser and focus on yourself.

Lovely woman @Therealthing43 , I've seen friends prey to such men. Stop even thinking and trying to understand.

He's a horrible person who has absolutely no care for you. None. Nothing. Nada. Not a stitch.

He. Does. Not. Care. For. You.

I hate seeing lovely women being reeled in by such men.

Just fuck him off. Fini.

How could I even think I loved this man? I don't know what a normal relationship is anymore. I dipped in my toes, been more or less single since 2009

He is a professional, good job, high salary. All of his girlfriends from what I know, are well educated professionals. We must have saw something in him? Incidentally, the relationships seem short lived.

Op, I could have written your post a year ago and I'm so sorry. I agree with PP that he sounds like a narcisissist/sociopath (and would highly suggest reading up on this). It is very common for victims of previous abuse to fall into serial abusive relationships thereafter (been there) but you CAN break the cycle. Previous DV victims are often desensitised to abuse and struggle to recognise it or trust themselves to act on gut instinct as a result of previous gaslighting. Please don't beat yourself up, you recognised after a relatively short time that this guy is abusive. What you need to do now is act on that information and protect yourself from him by walking away and going no contact.

You are not emotionally healed from your previous abusive relationship and this current guy knows this and is manipulating you in exactly the same way. I think you could have PTSD and this guy is triggering you, which is why you are feeling so awful right now. There are patterns of behaviour that many abusive men share and it can take a while for them to come to light. He is now showing you who is is. These people have no empathy and cannot love. The "good" side of him you are craving is a facade. It doesn't exist and the way you feel now is not love, its an addiction to the toxic cycle of abuse.

Have you ever sought counselling for the previous abusive relationship?

I took 12 months off dating last year to focus on truly healing from my abusive marriage. I spent this time researching everything I could about DV, narcissism, socipathy etc. and it has really helped me to process the abuse.

You can break the cycle but it will take commitment to put yourself first from now on.