My therapist said this about love - do you agree?

[Yourrighthand]

My therapist said to me last week that being understood in a relationship and having a close relationship where you fully love and feel fully loved, isn’t real. She said that if it is it is extremely rare and she just didn’t think that was reality.

For context I’m not someone with my head in the clouds about relationships and she wasn’t trying to talk me down about a fairytale love. I know even the most wonderful marriage can break down and that a lot of relationships showcased online aren’t real. But I do see friends around me in relationships where their partner just gets who they are and they are close, they are very very good friends and in love. I said my parents still do almost everything together and she seemed shocked by this and told me I shouldn’t think that is normal. To be fair I would probably like more independence from someone than my parents have with each other but I am sad to think that this sort of relationship isn’t realistic.

I’m single and alone and sad about it and now feel like I will never have that safe happy love feeling where I’m understood.

I'm not sure tbh. There will be those who truly have their life partner but from my own experience and plenty of those around me, it doesnt happen. ( or hasn't yet).

I feel very close to and loved by dp but it's not a fairy tale. He can be hard-work. He's passive aggressive, snappy when stressed, can be selfish and is extremely irritating at times! I have my faults too.

I guess it depends on the context and why your therapist said this. Do you think you have unrealistic expectations of a relationship?

I think your therapist has issues.

I think you need a new therapist

She can think that if she likes (personally I disagree) but it's not really appropriate to be trying to convince a patient of that. She should be helping you explore your own feelings about relationships, not making blanket statements like that.

I can see what she means (although not sure therapists should be giving you their opinions?!)

I’m pretty sceptical of lovey dovey couples. Those big, dramatic romances never seem to last, in my experience.

20 years married and still very happy. He’s my best friend, but we are both extremely independent, have our own interests, definitely don’t ‘do everything together’, no big PDAs. Humour, acceptance, affection, but also allowing each other space to grow has been key to our marriage so far.

How sad for her that she feels that way. I’m sure the happy couples don’t go to her for counselling but she’s still being miserable and, frankly, wrong.

Find someone different.

Your therapist has said several different things:

1. that doing everything together in a long marriage isn't 'normal'
2. that being understood in a relationship and having a close relationship where you fully love and feel fully loved, isn’t real

In my experience ( aged 62 and married 4 times and this marriage is 23 years old) you can feel and be loved fully though it is rare that it is constantly every minute of every day. Love isn't a continuum, it evolves, changes, is shit, is okay, is lovely. And doing everything together may seem nice but could be a bit suffocating I guess. If you aspire to bath 1 and 2 maybe she's trying to explain that it isn't realistic to expect it but to hope for it and to work towards it?

I agree with KylieCoco. Love my DH to the moon and back (he isn't my first DH btw) but he has several annoying traits, as do I. If you feel loved and understood most of the time I reckon that's good enough tbh.

It's true for her, and for some other people. It's not true for everyone in the world.

Unless there’s a lot of context around why she said that, I think that’s pretty blunt.

If she just mean’s “nothing’s perfect”, that’s fine. And often, neither are therapeutic relationships.

She’s maybe letting her own experiences colour her views a bit. I’d tread carefully.

So many therapists I’ve had some time with got into therapy to heal their own trauma and unless they are very self-aware about their own perspectives and biases it can be counter-productive for their client at times.

The ones who do have a handle on it are amazing. But sadly they are rarer than you might hope.

Doesn’t mean you can’t learn or benefit from therapy with her. But keep your own critical thinking faculties switched on.

being understood in a relationship and having a close relationship where you fully love and feel fully loved, isn’t real.

You definitely need a new therapist. I don’t know many marriages that don’t have that.

I could understand if she said the movie star, all consuming, passionate love isn’t real. But a love where you understand each other, have a connection, compromise, accept faults and want to spend time together is very realistic.

Sounds like she is setting expectations far far too low.

I would more interpret that as saying that although you may love your partner and they love you back , there are always times when you will be taken for granted and misunderstood. I don’t think we fully understand ourselves never mind someone else. I think the word “fully” is the qualifying one - after all most of us need more than 1 person to live in our lives

And OP please don't let what she said make you sad, like you will never be loved or understood. I know it's hard, I felt that way for years! But I did eventually find someone great, there's no guarantee it will happen but it most certainly can.

I don't agree at all! My parents have been happily married for 30 years and still do pretty much everything together. They're a real team. Obviously it's not all been smooth sailing but they do seem to love and understand each other deeply.

I also feel fully loved and understood by DP and love him deeply and think I have a really good understanding of him as a person. Perhaps she's right that it's rare because I've had plenty of relationships where this hasn't been the case.

Yes. I also think relationships with no secrets at all don't exist. I think a lot of family breakdown is down to unrealistic expectations and that's really harmful for children.

That's not to say people should put up with being treated badly, feeling unloved or lies but a great enduring connection at any cost is unrealistic, although it should certainly exist for substantial periods.

So many therapists I’ve had some time with got into therapy to heal their own trauma and unless they are very self-aware about their own perspectives and biases it can be counter-productive for their client at times.

This, absolutely. Therapists can be shockingly under-qualified.

Your therapist sounds very unprofessional. She shouldn’t be giving her opinion at all, or telling you what to think! It sounds like a misdirected attempt to make you feel better. Is she very inexperienced? Does she have the right qualifications?

I feel understood and fully loved by DH and I fully love him. I think we are real ....

I think she's being ridiculous. Firstly how can she possibly know??

Therapists can be shockingly under-qualified.

So true. And some people take what they say as gospel and let it define them. That's not pointed at you OP btw.

I think she's right. I think it being held up as the ideal and the subsequent constant striving to achieve it can be extremely damaging to mental health and also plays a big part in why people find it so difficult to spot abuse and leave abusive relationships. I think the biological imperative is often mistaken for "true love". "True love" is that which you feel for your children IMO. Once I had children and then my marriage ended, I never felt the need to go looking for another adult relationship. Feels completely pointless. I'd rather have a dog as my companion.

Your therapist sounds like they need therapy! While it’s not easy to find, it is definitely possible to have a relationship like that. I feel like I have that with my husband. I went out with tons of people and had three long term, live in relationships before I met him in my mid 30s. And despite that, there are still plenty of things I want to scream at him for doing, and there are surely as many things about me that drive him bonkers too.

I imagine given their job that she constantly see failing relationships.

I fully disagree with her sentiment. My OH and I completely “get” each other. We are very similar in some ways but completely different in others. The are completely in love and pretty much have been since we initially met. I used to think that having a soulmate was the stuff of romantic until I met him.

He is not perfect (neither am I) however I even love his imperfections! I honestly wouldn’t change a single thing about him even if I could.

Different strokes for different folks, isn’t it?
I’ve been with my DH for 20 years. I love him. He loves me.

But as pp have said, this waxes and wanes for both of us over time and with changing circumstances.

And we are very close, and understand each other, but there’s not complete understanding, and we have to remember to communicate, not make assumptions about what each other is thinking or feeling, and never expect each other to be a mind reader.

I’d personally be really suffocated by doing nearly everything together. We have (for us) a nice mix of stuff we do together and stuff we do apart.

And we both annoy each other a fair amount

I'm not sure it's that rare, but uncommon, yes. I think of all the couples I know, 2-3 are the magic, couple goals types. Their relationships aren't perfect but they do seem to have a very romantic love.

It's rare enough that it isn't something to be aimed for. I actually think that type of relationship isn't a "lucky find", but a function of the personality types of those people. That relationship is within you (or not), not something that happens if you find the right person.

I also think it's just one part of a relationship. To me other parts are more important.