My therapist said this about love - do you agree?

[Yourrighthand]

My therapist said to me last week that being understood in a relationship and having a close relationship where you fully love and feel fully loved, isn’t real. She said that if it is it is extremely rare and she just didn’t think that was reality.

For context I’m not someone with my head in the clouds about relationships and she wasn’t trying to talk me down about a fairytale love. I know even the most wonderful marriage can break down and that a lot of relationships showcased online aren’t real. But I do see friends around me in relationships where their partner just gets who they are and they are close, they are very very good friends and in love. I said my parents still do almost everything together and she seemed shocked by this and told me I shouldn’t think that is normal. To be fair I would probably like more independence from someone than my parents have with each other but I am sad to think that this sort of relationship isn’t realistic.

I’m single and alone and sad about it and now feel like I will never have that safe happy love feeling where I’m understood.

I think it’s important to be a realist.

Some days I want to throttle my DH, and vice versa I don’t doubt. On days like this it’s gritty and hard but it’s not not being loved.

Fully loved is an odd concept....especially as there are many facets of love...and generally a life partner is just a few of those facets.

I wonder if she’s trying to tell you that you have a fantasy view on romance

I agree with her.

Similar to @KylieKoKo in that I feel loved by DH and love him, wholly and unconditionally. But that doesn't mean it's rainbows and sunshine everyday.

Were those her actual words? Or are you paraphrasing?

If by "fully loved" you mean unconditionally loved, then I think she's right. Love between adults should never be unconditional. A parent's love for a child should be. But not between adults. That is deeply unhealthy and leads to people forgiving all sorts of crappy behaviour because "... But I LOVE him/her"

Two years ago I might have agreed, even though it seems a bit cynical. Now though, no. I often think that DP understands me better than I do myself. I get to be totally open with him, and him with me. No judgement, only support and understanding. I feel so very loved by him, and I love him very much too.

That doesn't mean it's effortless, we make regular time to talk, and to make sure we air any issues, however minor. We work hard at making sure we communicate well, which can be bloody hard when we're both really busy, tired, stressed, and getting snappy. But it really is worth it.

What does she know? She's obviously speaking from her own experience, which certainly isn't the case for everyone.
DH and I have been married for almost 47 years. Yes, we've had our 'ups and downs' but we truly love each other.

I feel quite sad for your therapist.

She sounds like my kind of therapist, realistic and says it how it is, no wool, sitting on the fence and fluff, but probably not for everyone.

I admit I made a, REALLY?! face at this.
Sure, relationships have to live in the real world with all the challenges that come with it.
But I've been with my OH for (counts...) 35 years and we're still very happy and do a lot together. I feel at he with him like I did with my Mum, or more so, even.
There have been shedloads of divorces in my family so I know things don't always work out but they can and do.

It’s profoundly unprofessional of her to be presenting opinion as fact, regardless of if what she’s saying is “true” or not.

Surely in a good relationship you understand each other or why get together in the first place? There has to be some common ground so that you 'click' - normal everyday love is not just about liking the look of someone - it's that special connection which makes a real marriage. You won't agree on everything 100% but will accept and respect the differences and find a way round them.

Your therapist only sees the problem partnerships because that's why her job exists.

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I really do not think that mutual love is extremely rare?! What a strange thing for a therapist to say? I'd understand if you had grand romantic fairytale visions of love....but simply just wanting to feel mutual closeness and love and being best friends with a partner? I think thats not only reasonable but is a good thing to aim for.
I hope you find someone on the same page op... and honestly I think you eventually will. What matters most in a relationship is trust followed by generally being on the same page about how much time you wanna spend together, what your idea of the future is etc... these are not unrealistic wants from a partner at all.
Sounds like your therapist might have had a bad time and be a little jaded...

I am very much in love with my husband in a romantic sense and have been for twelve years... I also completely trust that that love is returned. That doesnt mean its all been some bed or roses and we've never fought or misunderstood each other... but underlying everything that happens is the knowledge that we love one another and we are best friends. I think what made me realise he was the one and our relationship was going to last is the fact that I absolutely consider him to be a decent human being who will try to look out for my best interests.. and I know I would do the same for him. I just really like him, there's the odd petty thing that annoys me but there's that sense of love always there... when I think of him I feel warmth, it makes me happy. And I feel that in return I've never doubted it from him.

My parents have been married 35 years and altho have had a volatile relationship at points, are completely inseperable and appear to be very much in love.

Not everyone in love is inseparable. Some people need a lot of space and are very independent etc and thats fine....

I guess my basic point is I think ur therapist is very wrong. Love really exists and you should look for it if you want its not unreasonable to do so. It doesnt take the same form for everyone but I really do think there will be someone put there you can feel close to and feel that mutual trust and love and feel understood by.

It depends what her exact words were.

If she was telling you to give up on having a relationship that feels safe and happy because they don't exist, you need to find another therapist.

If she was telling you there is no such relationship without occasional discord, constant maintenance, and effortful communication, then I agree with her.

I don't value somebody telling me how it is by the way FAQs because there IS no 'how it is'. Oversimplifying it makes things much harder to negotiate in my view.

Depends on exact words and context.

My therapist says things like 'not everyone will always feel fully understood by their partner. Some people find comfort in telling themselves they have found their soulmate. Not everyone gets everything they need from one person and that's ok. Love can go at any point - there is no 100% security from anyone. People tell themselves things because it's what they need to believe.'

She's realistic and brilliant.

@Titsinknicks that sums it up pretty well for me

Did she mean no romantic relationship can be unconditional love? Because I think that's true.

I'd be very careful to avoid taking things said by your therapist as wisdom. Remember that a therapist is just an ordinary human being same as you so she will inevitably have biases same as you. I am concerned about your therapist's professionalism.
She should not have told you that she didn't think the close relationship you described was reality. She should not have expressed shock when you told her about your parents doing most things together. She should not have told you that your parents' relationship is 'not normal'.
When you click with someone you will have the relationship you describe.

Sounds like she's trying to manage your expectations op. Not everyone has a relationship like your parents do - if this idealised version of a relationship is what you're aiming for you're likely to be disappointed

I've been burned badly by love so am pretty sceptical but I think your therapist has massive issues.

I think it's unusual to have that kind of romantic love for decades but it's not unusual to have it with one person for a few years. I think friendships where you feel loved and understood are more common but that's because you don't tend to live with friends and there's usually no money, sex or extended family issues with friends.

In some ways I agree, I know relationships aren’t all lovely and amazing all of the time and you support each other through problems and I would be happy to do this if I found the right guy, However if I heard this myself from anyone I’d see it as more single shaming than I already get and more pressure to get into a relationship with just anyone no matter how unhappy it makes you.

ps you see the bits of your friends relationships they let you see. No one knows what goes on behind the scenes. Don't stress - just date and see what happens

I can honestly say my DH and I are about as close as you can possibly be. We are a team, we have our own set of friends but never have we ever put others before our family. We view marriage for life and we take the rough with the smooth. We are not frightened to air our opinions and certainly do not look at each other with starry eyes. Well sometimes if he’s making an effort. There is no one on this Earth who knows me as much as DH and I know him better than anyone. But it requires give and take to make a marriage work and lots of compromises (on both sides). I think what also helped us that he took paternity leave with our first and just knows what is required to run a household and a large family. So everyday chores are shared equally and we have no resentments to each other about things like that.

Love changed from lusty romance in the beginning but it’s something more solid now. We trust each other implicitly we share finances and know all the passwords to each other devices/emails etc. Only to be used in case one of us is too ill to do so.

I guess we are lucky going by this thread.

Wtf - surely, your therapist shouldn't be giving you HER opinion of relationships, unless it's a medical/psychological/association approved opinion/fact? Did she explains why she thinks this - what is the basis?

being understood in a relationship and having a close relationship where you fully love and feel fully loved, isn’t real

Being understood is the basic tenet of a relationship in the 21st century where we aren't (generally) marrying for land, business reasons or just to procreate. Wouldn't you expect to be friend with people who understand you? FEELING loved, and being ABLE TO fully love are an individual psychological make up. Some people are capable of this, others aren't. The same way some people can be vulnerable and express emotion, and others can't.

Of course, love can wax and wane and just because you love someone or are loved, doesn't mean you can never get pissed off or find certain things annoying. It's like saying self confidence isn't real because you may have moments of self doubt. And anyone confident is faking it... Or that the female orgasm is a myth because over 50% of women have never experienced one.

I think you may need a new psychologist, unless of course there was more context or you've misunderstood what she was saying (doesn't seem like you have though). Unrealistic expectations of love is one thing, to not believe that anyone can love you fully is pretty dark. There's enough examples in the world of couples in love, who understand one another, and are happy spending a lifetime together even when things get rough.

Talk to her about how her comment has made you feel and how you've understood it.
This is a rupture in your relationship with her, and by working it through together it could bring some deeper insight and be helpful for you.