My therapist said this about love - do you agree?

[Yourrighthand]

My therapist said to me last week that being understood in a relationship and having a close relationship where you fully love and feel fully loved, isn’t real. She said that if it is it is extremely rare and she just didn’t think that was reality.

For context I’m not someone with my head in the clouds about relationships and she wasn’t trying to talk me down about a fairytale love. I know even the most wonderful marriage can break down and that a lot of relationships showcased online aren’t real. But I do see friends around me in relationships where their partner just gets who they are and they are close, they are very very good friends and in love. I said my parents still do almost everything together and she seemed shocked by this and told me I shouldn’t think that is normal. To be fair I would probably like more independence from someone than my parents have with each other but I am sad to think that this sort of relationship isn’t realistic.

I’m single and alone and sad about it and now feel like I will never have that safe happy love feeling where I’m understood.

Someone doesn't have to 100% understand you to listen to you and to love you and empathise with you. Most people don't fully understand themselves!

I will never have that safe happy love feeling where I’m understood.
Perhaps you and your therapist were talking about two different things?
I can't say I've ever been in a relationship where I've felt fully understood. To be honest, I don't fully understand myself all the time. But I had a halfway decent marriage for many years, and felt that I could be myself. My exh and I didn't always agree, but neither of us were judgemental and I think we both felt safe in the relationship - we didn't have to worry about how the other would react.

Today, I have more of a connection with my bf than with my exh - we are more often on the same page and spontaneously come up with similar ideas. That still doesn't mean we always understand one another. But again, we're accepting of one another.

What kind of love are you looking for?

I do think the fairytale everything is perfect all the time is BS. My friends that have the ‘perfect family unit’ aren’t as perfect inside as they look on the outside.

They aren’t honest. They don’t tell you the troubles they have. One is permanently attached to her DH and struggles to have a day away from him. It’s beyond ridiculous.

The other is like a Stepford wife and lives her life around what keeps her DH happy. He would never cook (it’s a woman’s role apparently 🙄) and rarely looks after the kids.

My friends are happy with that life, or at least they’re seen to be happy about this. Other people would not want this type of relationship.

So the idea of what constitutes the perfect relationship is somewhat subjective.

I agree with the poster who feels suspicious of those lovey dovey types. In fact the women who have praised their oh so wonderful husbands are the ones most likely to be ditched in my experience.,your therapist is trying to give you a dose of reality I'd say.

I'm finding this thread really interesting. Lots of pp suggesting that the therapist actually said or meant things the op did not report at all. Op told us that the therapist said being understood in a relationship and having a close relationship where you fully love and feel fully loved, isn’t real. She said that if it is it is extremely rare and she just didn’t think that was reality.

It is strange to say that it isn't 'reality' to fully love and feel fully loved by someone. And odd to do what so many pp have done and talk about perfect, fairytale, lovey dovey, dramatic relationships as if those are the same thing as loving and feeling loved by a partner.

I would say many people are not able to feel fully loved.
For two people to be that well balanced and in a relationship together is very good luck.

Many of us have hang ups that mean we compromise in relationships. It's not a terrible thing. Just reality.

Your therapist doesn't get to define your reality for you. They do get to work with you on understanding it, and yourself, better.

It sounds as if she delivered this in quite a blunt way. But I know what she means. I think "being understood" is quite an important element of this. I don't think its possible for anyone to truly understand you unless you basically teach them.

I think what she's saying: in a fairly cack-handed way, is that you shouldn't expect to have all of your emotional needs met by another person: that basically has to come from you and if you're expecting it from your partner you will always be disappointed. And I would agree with this. I think setting someone else up to meet all your emotional needs is a recipe for failure.

I would tend to agree with her. Its an illusion, a powerful one with chemicals involved but an illusion nonetheless. I wish I didn't feel like this.