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Original poster

How to put my foot down (Covid/Christmas)

53 replies

MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 16:00

I'm not here for Covid police, just assistance with how to get my point across.

My partner, children and I live with my mother. We (as a family) care for my grandmother.
For Christmas this year, after the 3 house bubble came about we plan on having the 25th with my family (us, the kids, mum, my two siblings and their partners and nan).

Makes sense as we live here and that's what mum is going to do regardless of whether we are here or not.

We live in Wales, DPs family live in Hertfordshire. Our baby was born in August and his family have seen her once. He's missed birthdays and just seeing his family in general.

DP desperately wants to see his family this Christmas. And they want to see him too. He wants for all of us to visit after Christmas Day, as do his family.

I don't want to do this. It's not in compliance with restrictions and it is fucking dumb considering we are from different high risk areas.

How do I gently put my foot down? I understand how he feels, I don't want to be hurtful. Again, I'm not here for the Covid police. I'm looking for a way to gently list him down. I don't need convincing that it's a bad idea, I'm already of that mind set.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/12/2020 16:44

Tell him how you feel but it's possible you have different levels of acceptable risk. It isn't a case of you putting your foot down, you should discuss with him. Maybe he can go with the dc if you're uncomfortable

Brunt0n · 16/12/2020 16:53

I think that’s quite unfair on his family. Why do your family take priority? I doubt if roles were reversed you’d be happy that your mum didn’t see her grandchild for months?

Milkshake7489 · 16/12/2020 16:58

Without getting into the rights and wrongs regarding covid, why do you get to 'put your foot down' in this situation? Surely it's just as much your husband's decision as it is yours?

Sandcastles09 · 16/12/2020 17:04

Why don’t you suggest going out for a walk with them somewhere and meeting halfway. That way they could push the pushchair/ see you all without you getting too close.
If it’s a choice between the two maybe it would be better to see his family as you live near yours and see more of them.

inquietant · 16/12/2020 17:07

I think it seems weird you're happy to spread it to your own family but not his, I can see why he's put out.

If I was him I'd be glad about your planned arrangements!

Original poster
MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 17:11

Why my family and not his?
We live with my mother, care for grandmother. If we go to his family for Christmas then or household will be split and exposed to 6 other households between us.

Why not suggest a walk or meeting outside?
It's a 2hr+ drive. He wouldn't be happy to do that for a walk. Plus it's December and the baby is 4 months old.

Why not send him with DC?
Multiple household exposure still applies, risk still more than doubles.

OP posts:
Original poster
MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 17:11

Also, I'm exclusively breast feeding.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 16/12/2020 17:12

I think you're being unfair on him. You've seen lots of your family. He hasn't seen his. Why can't you go and Christmas bubble with his family instead?

Porcupineinwaiting · 16/12/2020 17:14

How about you dont see your siblings but see your dh's family instead?

Original poster
MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 17:16

It's also protecting his family as much as us.
My sister and SIL work for the NHS. Plus my son only finished school yesterday. We're in a high risk area.

OP posts:
sorenipples · 16/12/2020 17:18

Can't you and dh go visit his family? Then your mum, sisters and nan get together? I appreciate it is not what you want, but the alternative is not what he wants. Are his parents seeing anyone else if they don't see you? If his parents are otherwise alone, and you live near enough to your sisters for outside meet ups it seems fairer to prioritise them.

JustCallMeGriffin · 16/12/2020 17:18

Your husband really has got the short straw. He's effectively got no choice in whether he sees his family because your siblings are coming to your home. Admittedly that's because your mum lives with you or vice versa, but it's wiped out any control he has of this situation.

I actually think that you should ask your mum to accept that the situation is utterly unfair on your husband and ask for your siblings not to visit at Christmas. This means you can visit his family under safer conditions.

Aside from anything else, if you're in Wales only two households can mix for Christmas now so you're already planning on breaking the law (confirmed this afternoon as law rather than guidance). You don't have a moral high ground here from this perspective either.

He won't forget that you've completely run roughshod over his feelings on this.

Original poster
MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 17:18

His parents are separated so they are two households, his brothers are two different households. Then we would be coming home where my mum had mixed with two other households.
That's 6 households mixing.

OP posts:
nosswith · 16/12/2020 17:21

I don't think you can avoid being seen as harsh, even though you are being loving. All I can suggest is agreeing that next Christmas when your baby is older that you have a different arrangement which puts his family first.

Delgjs · 16/12/2020 17:23

Are his family likely to still be alive at Easter? Is this a "last Christmas" together situation?

If we're talking about one Christmas being spent apart then he needs to calm down a bit and put things in perspective. In a few months things will be easier and by next Christmas totally different.

6 households mixing is against the law anyway.

Original poster
MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 17:25

The plan (Covid aside) has always been to alternate Christmas. So it would be next Christmas in England, I can't offer that as consolation.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 16/12/2020 17:34

Is it an option for you to go to his family for Christmas day itself? That way your mum could see your siblings but you wouldn't.

PrayingandHoping · 16/12/2020 17:39

I would say you're being unfair on him.... you live with your family and they are local and u have seen them with baby and his side hasn't.

Personally I would go and spend the whole period with his family.

Original poster
MizMoonshine · 16/12/2020 17:48

Key information here that I forgot to give (sorry) the oldest child is not DPs. So his extended family is all here. He's 8 and will not be spending Christmas away from me.

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 16/12/2020 17:52

OP you still haven't explained why you get to put your foot down on this?

If you were instead writing that your husband had unilaterally decided that you were spending Christmas with his family (who you already lived with), people would be telling you to LTB.

You're really not being fair. Go discuss your options with your husband like he is an equal partner instead of looking for people to tell you you're doing the right thing on here.

Hardbackwriter · 16/12/2020 17:53

@MizMoonshine

Key information here that I forgot to give (sorry) the oldest child is not DPs. So his extended family is all here. He's 8 and will not be spending Christmas away from me.
I don't think I fully understand the relevance of this - is it that you need to be around to swap custody with the 8 year old's dad?
HotSince63 · 16/12/2020 17:59

You've already "put your foot down" - you and your parents have presented your family bubble as a fait accomple, with absolutely no consideration from any of you as to whether your DP might want to see his family.

Pretty shitty of you all, but I guess he has to suck it up eh. What other choice are you giving him?

Mrsjayy · 16/12/2020 18:02

You live in Wales is it not going Into lockdown you might not be able to go anywhere btw I think having others I. The house while you have an older relative is just as selfish as going to see your in-laws for Christmas but I think you just want to stay home and are finding excuses not to go.

peboh · 16/12/2020 18:02

I don't like this at all. You spend all your time with your family, and your dh is asking that his family get to see their grandchild on Christmas and you're saying no because your family come first. Your family have come first this whole pandemic, perhaps it's time to look at it from his perspective.

Misandrylovescompany · 16/12/2020 18:09

Ok so the fundamental thing is that members of the same household / bubble can’t see different groups of people - you have to collectively see others up to the limits of the law / guidelines. Your bubble includes your grandmother presumably (single household support bubble?). You are in Wales so you can only see one other household/bubble. Does your partner understand that?

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