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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

this is emotional abuse, right?

92 replies

irishoak · 16/12/2020 14:17

I've lurked on mumsnet over the years, but never posted, and tbh I don't even have kids, but this has always seemed like a place where women were supportive and so...I've come to the realization over the past few months that my husband is very abusive. He got a (preliminary I suppose) diagnosis of BPD about a month ago and it's just been non-stop since then. The past week I've started talking to counsellors online and the women's aid phoneline...last night was pretty much the nail in the coffin for us, and today he's trying to sort out welfare and somewhere else to live, but he's just....idk half the time he's so sorry, he just wants my forgiveness, the other half it's not his fault, maybe he's autistic, I'm as bad as him cos sometimes I lose my temper and call him names back, etc etc.

I just walked into the room where he was calling his friend and he just seemed so...idk cheerful, and his friend had a girlfriend once apparently who has BPD oh but actually later they said autism, so it must be that and not his fault! So now I'm back in the bedroom, trying to get my head together to concentrate on work (I'm so behind, so so behind), and I just want....idk, validation I guess, that he is abusive, and that it's not just me being unfeeling.

Things he's said to me over the past month:
I'm a fucking liar, I ruin the lives of everyone around me with my criticism and negativity, I fuck everything up for him, i'm a hypocritical c**t, I only care about money (he's not worked for the vast majority of the time we've been together, I pay for everything), I am mean cos I don't give him extra money for weed every month beyond the money he asks for, I've got no friends, I've got a warped idea of friendship, the only people that talk to me are my family and they're just as bad as me, I'm so fucking stupid, and these are just what I can remember off the top of my head.

And then, when he calms down after screaming all this at me, that I should know by now after 3 years of marriage that he doesn't mean these things and so I shouldn't be hurt by them and should realize what he's trying to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

irishoak · 02/02/2021 10:54

I know it's probably annoying to keep posting on here, but it's so strange being on my own here, I keep reaching for my phone so I just don't feel so weird and alone.

Anyway, got some background music on, living in the countryside it's just so incredibly quiet, going to have a good clean.

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 02/02/2021 23:49

It's not annoying to hear from you at all @irishoak xxx

Keep going, you're doing all the right things. xx

Original poster

irishoak · 03/02/2021 03:26

Thanks @SoulofanAggron it's so nice of you to say so.

Feels like there's too many hours in the day at the moment, and not I've just woken up and can't get back to sleep thinking about it all.

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 04/02/2021 16:23

How're you doing now @irishoak? xx

Original poster

irishoak · 04/02/2021 18:49

Hi @SoulofanAggron, thank you for asking. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, other times I just stop and cry a bit. Went to see my GP today to get a referral for counselling, he's given me some tablets. No contact with my husband since, which I think is a good thing.

The house is in an awful state, mid-renovation, and with lockdown and money I don't know what's going to happen. I'm also trying to figure out how to deal with the dog on my own...I start back WFH in a month, so have to get her into a new routine before then. She's quite anxious and wants a lot of attention, my husband usually kept her with him while I did video calls and we traded off. Just all feels like a lot to cope with today.

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 04/02/2021 20:50

You can do it, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Deal with stuff a bit at a time. If something around the house or with the dog isn't perfect, it doesn't matter.

Glad you've been to see your GP, please follow their advice.

You will be ok and will get on your feet eventually, you don't need him.

Please don't take him back. xxx

Original poster

irishoak · 15/12/2021 08:44

I just wanted to pop back onto this thread, one year later. It was a year today that I finally worked up the courage to tell him the marriage was over and came on here the next day to start this thread. It took me another month to get him out the house, and he still tries to intimidate me now and again in little ways. Not divorced yet, but hopefully before long I can be rid of him forever. I wish I had called the police that night and got him out straight away, but I didn't have the strength then and was completely worn down mentally and couldn't think straight. There was so much more awful behaviour that I didn't mention here and I was a shell of myself.

It's been a tough year and Mumsnet has been a great support to me through it all. Thank you to all of you for teaching me so much and sharing your own experiences. I'm trying to put myself back together, but today I'm just appreciating the fact that I don't have to be scared, no one will shout at me or call me horrible names, and my money, my time and my happiness are my own.

OP posts:

Callisto1 · 15/12/2021 10:40

You're doing really well! It was really hard reading your initial posts because you seemed so crushed by your relationship. I'm really glad you managed to find your freedom! I know it's easy to say that from a distance but I really admire your self reflection and resilience.

VitalsStable · 15/12/2021 10:49

I remember your thread (I replied under a NC) and it's made me cry a little this morning at your update. I'm so so pleased for you. Continue building up yourself and forgetting him, you've done fantastically well. X

maras2 · 15/12/2021 11:53

Great update, thank you.
Hope this Christmas is better than last.
Best wishes Mx.

MzHz · 15/12/2021 12:58

We are all so very proud of you! You achieved a huge amount. Yes this is still tough for you, but at least it will only get better. You have hope and promise now.

I was you in 2010. With the help of mumsnet I put myself back together, made some wonderful friends and I can't even begin to tell you how my life has changed. If I did, you would not believe me.

I agree that being alone is better than the relationship you had, but it's not a foregone conclusion. You deserve happiness, you really do, and in time you can and will find it.

don't ever settle for anything less than kindness, love and honesty - from yourself initially, and then you will add people to your life that will share this with you.

Happy Christmas @irishoak, keep posting, we'll be here for the long run.

2catsandhappy · 15/12/2021 19:03

Great update! Who knows, maybe you will inspire someone else to get their life back too.

billy1966 · 15/12/2021 21:21

Great update OP.

Well done.

Enjoy the peace.

EarthSight · 15/12/2021 21:46

Meaning, he doesn't want to take ANY responsibility for the way he behaves or what he says, and if you don't automatically 'get' whatever message he's trying to tell you (which changes at his convenience) it's your fault.

You really do need to remember the bad parts because they will fade over time. I bet that on top of major things, your relationship is peppered with lots of tiny dysfunctions too, and after months of being apart, if you stay in touch and get on as friends, it's easy to start forgetting those.

he says he liked that I was independent and stood up to him

Some people need a higher than average level of conflict in their intimate relationships. For them, this conflict is normal. If they feel everything is going to smoothly, that feel s unsafe to them and they find they can trust conflict a lot more.

Others (and he may well be one of these) do not want to manage their own behaviour or respect boundaries. They want you to do that for them by standing up for yourself.

The point of a non-abusive, healthy relationship, is that this should not be necessary. I would say a lot of people want an assertive partner with a backbone that they can respect, but it should not be necessary to have you stand up for yourself regularly like this. It means these type of people go for partners who will tolerate abuse.....but they don't want the guilt that comes with it. See, if you stick-up for yourself, they can frame that as two people having an argument.....but if you don't do, that it becomes much more apparent who's doing the verbal assaults in the relationship, and they don't want to manage their own behaviour or take responsibility for it.

I always find it a bit of a bad sign when I hear a man saying he likes women who keep him on his toes, that sticks up for herself. It often means he'll walk all over her if she doesn't present enough of a pushback, so it will be a pretty stressful relationship for her, one where she feels like she is constantly having to fight her corner.

telling me I'm not a feminist

And he's a fine example, yes?

I've been trying to read more about BPD, trying to figure out how much treatment could help him

Don't bother. You will save yourself years of heartache.

the thought of him in a homeless shelter breaks my heart

I'm sure it does and I can really understand why, but you also should not continue to live with a man who clearly doesn't respect you.

EarthSight · 15/12/2021 21:48

@irishoak

Eek I just realised this was an old thread. I'm glad you're no longer with him!

me4real · 16/12/2021 00:05

Well done again @irishoak (this is the one that was SoulofanAggron.)

Wishing you a peaceful future.

PerseverancePays · 16/12/2021 08:06

Well done to looking after yourself. We have one of those in the family and he has taken from and abused every member that has tried to help him. The most useful thing for me is to keep firmly in mind is that he is an abuser with mental health problems. I am no contact for the foreseeable after his last spectacular episode of abusive behaviour. His poor mother has taken herself away for a month to get a break.
Please work on your self esteem; do the freedom program so you learn to see one coming next time and as soon as you can afford it, counselling. Read the books people have mentioned and slowly you will build up your strength again. But well done, and wishing you a much happier holiday season and a peaceful new year.

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