this is emotional abuse, right?

[irishoak]

I've lurked on mumsnet over the years, but never posted, and tbh I don't even have kids, but this has always seemed like a place where women were supportive and so...I've come to the realization over the past few months that my husband is very abusive. He got a (preliminary I suppose) diagnosis of BPD about a month ago and it's just been non-stop since then. The past week I've started talking to counsellors online and the women's aid phoneline...last night was pretty much the nail in the coffin for us, and today he's trying to sort out welfare and somewhere else to live, but he's just....idk half the time he's so sorry, he just wants my forgiveness, the other half it's not his fault, maybe he's autistic, I'm as bad as him cos sometimes I lose my temper and call him names back, etc etc.

I just walked into the room where he was calling his friend and he just seemed so...idk cheerful, and his friend had a girlfriend once apparently who has BPD oh but actually later they said autism, so it must be that and not his fault! So now I'm back in the bedroom, trying to get my head together to concentrate on work (I'm so behind, so so behind), and I just want....idk, validation I guess, that he is abusive, and that it's not just me being unfeeling.

Things he's said to me over the past month:
I'm a fucking liar, I ruin the lives of everyone around me with my criticism and negativity, I fuck everything up for him, i'm a hypocritical c**t, I only care about money (he's not worked for the vast majority of the time we've been together, I pay for everything), I am mean cos I don't give him extra money for weed every month beyond the money he asks for, I've got no friends, I've got a warped idea of friendship, the only people that talk to me are my family and they're just as bad as me, I'm so fucking stupid, and these are just what I can remember off the top of my head.

And then, when he calms down after screaming all this at me, that I should know by now after 3 years of marriage that he doesn't mean these things and so I shouldn't be hurt by them and should realize what he's trying to say.

had a bit of a talk this morning about the living situation, soon descended into a row. he says I make a horrible place for him to stay - because I feel so down all the time, and things like the other night where I was crying in my room. he said I try to make him feel guilty.

he also said I was the one doing all the shouting now and he controls his temper. I got upset last week because he just cut me off in the middle of a conversation to take a video call from a female friend in america that he's recently reconnected with. I'll admit I got upset - during our marriage I found out he'd cheated on me with a few other women while we were dating, and even during the marriage he was texting and flirting with other women, and would always flip out about how jealous I was when I asked him to stop/text less (didn't know it was flirting at the time, until I read the messages later, trusted him that they were just friends). so when he was talking to his american friend it just brought it all back up again, and I just thought - does my humiliation never end? is there no limit to what he thinks is okay? no shame? no respect for me at all? i didn't even shout at him during the call, just went to the bedroom, and he stopped the call cos he could tell I was upset. and now that's all turned around to, I stop him calling his friends and make this a horrible place for him to live.

whatever response I have, he just accuses me of trying to justify it, that I can't just accept I do horrible things too. I don't want to be someone who justifies the horrible things they do, like an abuser would, but...I don't think the things I do are horrible? And there are reasons I have ended up doing them, and it's mostly because of him. i don't know, it all feels like it gets twisted round on me, and in his head i'm just like him.

Just splut and divorce
You tying yourself up in knots
You cannot fix him
You csn fix yourself

Let him go
It s horrible for him right?

So quit
Get out
Split

Just stop living with him ASAP, like, now.

Part of how they operate is they drive their victims mad, so they seem like the sane one and the victim the mad one- that's what's happening. You're not mad but he's making you insane when you aren't, by fucking with your emotions.

Also as PP said, he's now gaslighting by saying he doesn't really do it, it doesn't count etc.

Either way, you're right that he's abusive and you'd be right in thinking you should go no contact.

You fear you won't cope but you'll actually feel so much better when he's not around, and from knowing that you've done what you should do to assert you deserve better than being treated like that.

Please do it now. xxx

Thanks to everyone who has replied to me. When I write out the things that get said, to post them on here, I can see that they don't make any sense, and I can see what he's doing, but he's got me so run down and insecure and unsure of myself that I doubt myself. Hearing from other people who are outside it all helps me feel a bit more confident in what I think. I haven't really been able to talk much about it all in real life, so everyone in here is such a huge help to me.

The house belongs to my family, so it's him who has to go, I just balk a bit at the thought of him being homeless, and I am scared of how i'm going to cope here on my own too.

He'll get somewhere to live if you kick him out based on domestic abuse (which it is)
It won't be luxury but so what?
You'll cope just fine without him. You'll cope much better in fact.

How's things today x

You are entitled to change your mind about the marriage.
Tell him it's over and kick him out. That's all you need to do.
Tell him you want him to go - tomorrow.
He's not your kid. He's a grown man. He had the brains to find a woman to marry and get a passport, he has the brains to track down weed dealers, he has the brains to manipulate people to get money to pay for the weed, he has the brains to be video calling women in the US.

You own him feck all. Zero. Nada.
He's undermining you and treating you like shit. If you call him on it, he's turns all victim ''Boo hoo I'm such a terrible person!' 'You are making me suicidal' - again - All about Him. It's always about him. Him, him him. And you are all about him and forgetting about you.
What do you want from life? Do you want to feel free? Do you want to feel like your old self again?

You're not just putting up with that abusive shit, you're paying for the privilege.

Never forget what he's really like and tell him he has to go. You'll feel such a relief.

The fact that he expects you to fund his cannabis-smoking habit is the deal breaker for me. He will experience personality change when stoned. Nothing to do with BPD as self-induced.

@Itstimetoquit thank you so much for asking, and to all the other commenters too. I've been lurking and reading other people's threads, but had to work up to posting again.

He's still here, but has been actively applying for welfare/housing stuff. He was doing some work around the house, but it's been...idk, one day work, two days off, telling me I make the work slower cos I don't help and I don't keep the dog under control. Argument the other day because he shouted at the dog to fuck off when she ran into the kitchen cos she heard him eating, and apparently it's unreasonable of me to be upset, and if I can talk in a "sarcastic tone of voice" then he can swear at the dog if he wants to. Apparently I should feel more sympathetic because he feels like he has no control over his own life. Whatever, but now I have no ceiling in half the rooms in the house, and I don't suppose he'll be finishing them.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night and lying there for hours thinking about all the things he's done, all the hundreds of way he's shown he has absolutely no respect for me, all the things he's said, and going back over our past together thinking, "I should have walked away there or then".

You say he's lost all respect for you,it's your house ask him to leave (Don't feel guilty)Have some time on your own and get your head clear x

Yeah, it's all kicking off now, I've just asked him to pack his bags and leave. He was going on at me about how he's so sympathetic to me but I speak to him in a horrible tone.

Fuck, this is a fucking nightmare

It might really help to consider doing the freedom progamme online - it will help validate your feelings regarding what is really going on.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

For people living with abusers the most dangerous time is when they leave and they often promise everything in order to prevent you from standing firm and when they first leave is often hardest for those of us who want to save others. (until we learn that we are not responsible for others - only for ourselves)

Maybe read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft for more support and please keep posting if it helps.

@irishoak keep posting on here as there is some amazing support for you,there's no point him kicking off it's his doing,is he leaving ? Are you ok x

He's asking to stay one more night, as the council can't assign emergency housing until tomorrow, so it's this or a hostel. He's taken the dog for a walk while I think about it... Crying when he left... Said even abusive men deserve to be treated with some decency

Has he treated you with decency?

he certainly seems to think he has....before he left he was shouting about how much sympathy he shows me, I show none and that's why no one will ever want to be with me, he cooked dinner for me for three years (no he didn't) but I was selfish and didn't cook breakfast for him this morning and didn't speak sympathetically by having a sarcastic tone of voice, I'm not giving him time to think, why should he give me any, blah blah blah.

it's all just mind boggling to me, the things he comes out with.

He's talking rubbish I wouldn't let him stay for another hour never mind another night x

Really he's scared because he's losing his grip on you.

Fuck being with someone who makes you feel bad for bankrolling third drug habit and laziness then heap his abuse on top of you and realise he of course wants you to be under his control putting up with his nastiness.

You're not worthless, you will have a proper relationship with someone who adores you and respects you, he'll be lonely and unhappy but that is entirely his own doing not yours.

Good luck. Your world is going to open up and you will move on with your life, this will at some point be a distant sad memory which will make you a stronger person.

Kick him out. Why are you prolonging the agony? You owe him nothing. He is abusive, bpd aside. You do not have to put up with this shit.

@Twinkie01 than you, your comment cheered me up... Sometimes the idea of a partner who loves me and respects me seems so impossible.

I've let him stay tonight, I know, I know, I'm an idiot. He's packed a couple of bags and says that tomorrow he has to either find a place that the council will put a deposit down on, or the homeless hostel is lined up. It's been a stressful day. Him crying over leaving the dog upset me to see, but then I also realised that the dog was getting more apologies than I was . And it also all got tense again a few days ago because I asked him not to shout at the dog...He's been on the phone to the doctor because he feels so ill with it all.

Between the tears and the dog and the illness and the homeless hostel I just feel awful. I know there's no going back, it would never get any better, but I feel so sad and guilty and...this was never a position I wanted to be in. I wanted a happy marriage with an equal. I wanted us to laugh and joke together (impossible because every joke I make is mean spirited according to him). I wanted us to work on building a home and life together (impossible with me being so negative and critical, again, according to him). I wanted a partner I could talk about things with (except he gradually got more and more offended if I had a different opinion). I enjoyed so many parts of being married... Our little rituals, having someone to take care of and who took care of me, travelling together...I'm just really going to miss the nice parts. And I know it's going to be really hard to stop worrying about him ended up in some awful shitty situation.

I'm in the car park now, while he checks into a hostel that's accepting homeless people at the moment, as all the homeless shelters are full. What the fuck is this? I never wanted my marriage to become this. I never wanted this to happen to someone I care about, and I know its stupid to care about him when he's so awful to me. I never ever thought thiw was in my future.

Pulled over for a cry. I can't take this.

The house feels so strange all on my own and the dog keeps looking around for him. Trying to just have a cup of tea and get myself together a bit. I keep thinking to myself, maybe he could get better, maybe he could change...but it's so clear to me now that that won't happen.