saddened by dp

[saddenedbydp]

For context- i have no doubt that dp would be considered to be a cocklodger anyway- he works 16 hrs per week, in a voluntary (and meaningful) job .- We share household tasks- him doing considerably more than me- I only do the tasks I want to- this reflects our difference in hours and in me doing the household 'thinking and planning'.

We get on really well, enjoy each others company, have fun, and are close and loving.

I work 37, more if I can get overtime, I pay everything- all bills, services, food, clothes, and have bought all Christmas/birthday/wedding etc gifts for both families, and paid for the supplies for his relatively expensive creative hobby for the entire time we've been together.

He decreed many years ago that we wouldn't buy presents for each other- we'd just get what we want, whenever we want it- mostly this was because he didn't earn anything, so any gift he 'bought' would be from my earnings.

We have a joint account from which all purchases are made.

To be fair, any income from his creative hobby was paid into our collective pot- this has been around 2.5k over the past 15 yrs (we've been together significantly longer.)

Idly checking through my emails, I come across a competition that could win 2K- I've joined, it, and asked dp if we won, what would he do with the 2K?-

he immediately said 2 things he would buy for himself- these are things I would have no involvement or enjoyment from, and are connected to another hobby of his that I dont share.

I'd been thinking of a couple of things I'd buy that we'd both enjoy- holiday, or pay towards a new bathroom that we're saving for

I just feel ridiculously sad that - even though this is a hypothetical small sum of money we would win - he thought only of himself when thinking what we'd do with it

I've told him that if we win, he's not getting any of it, because of his answer- I'm going to spend it only on myself- I'm not even going to buy a holiday for us both.

He's tried to backtrack, but I've told him to drop it- he's done himself out of a share.

The stupid thing is, we probably wont even win -it has just really has saddened me.

men are incredibly selfish in my experience. They just don't think!

yes, I suppose that's part of it- me naively thinking we are a close couple, but him thinking only of himself if a little windfall came

Why doesn't he do paid work?

Why aren't you more saddened that he lets you work your butt off and pay for everything?
Thats also v selfish of him. Why isn't he paying his own way and for his own hobbies?
Sounds like a piss-taker.
I couldn't be in a loving relationship with anyone like this, I'd have no respect for them.
The answer he gave shows he doesn't appreciate you and seems entitled.

@wobblywinelover

men are incredibly selfish in my experience. They just don't think!

Decent men aren't, they're perfectly capable of not being pricks despite having a penis so we need to stop giving them 'it's just what men are like / boys will be boys" get outs!

Why do you have a joint account when he contributes practically nothing financially?
He doesn’t even buy you a present ? You don’t sound very happy

Sorry what was the question m?

Wow, I honestly don't know why you are with this man? You said it yourself, he absolutely is a cocklodger!
I don't know what else to say apart from...LTB.

Why are you with this loser?

It comes across like you think that not giving him a share of these non existent winnings will teach him a lesson?

Are you happy with him?

Why does be not have a paid job ?

I don't think I've read anything in your email which suggests deeper communication between you. Has he ever had a job? What did he do after quitting it/being sacked? Did you have a discussion between you where you said you'd be happy to fully financially support him for the next 'x' amount of years? If you did, why were you happy with that? Did you feel insecure or think he would leave if you didn't? Did you feel like you owed him due to some past wrongdoing on your part?

How come he's only doing voluntary work? Is there a reason why he can't do paid work? Does he have health problems? Is he showing focus in monitizing his creative hobby? I'd be really worried if I were him. He has a massive gap in his C.V and not every employer is going to be thrilled at his volunteer work.

I don't think he's a cocklodger, and the expectation that the man should be provider is sexist and old-fashioned. If OP was the man and her DP was a SAHP with a volunteer job and a creative hobby that earned little, would PPs still feel the same way about the situation?

You asked what HE would spend the money on, OP, and he answered you. If you had asked, "What do you think WE should spend it on if we win?" your attitude would be reasonable, maybe, but it's hardly a major issue.

As to PP saying you should LTB over this - that's very poor advice, even if it wasn't just before Christmas during a pandemic. FFS.

In your position, I would focus on seeing if there were ways his creative hobby could make more income for the household.

We didn't actually fall out over it, and I do feel that he has the 'right' to dream his own dreams- of course I do, we both have our different ideas of what our 'dream' outcomes might be.

This was a little vignette on an evening when an unexpected lottery came up- where we had different ideas about what we would do with the hypothetical win- mine included us both, his was focussed only on him- it made me sad.

That led me to think that, perhaps, I'm less thought of by him, than he is by me... of course I'm a little sad about this, though in the general scheme of things, I' m generally happy and feel loved.

Our jobs and roles are an agreed thing between us- I wouldn't have progressed in my career so easily without him taking the main household duties and stresses, like I said, I only do the tasks I'm happy to do, he takes on the rest.

is this a windup ?

There wasn't a question, as such, I felt sad, and expressed it here, as I was on the lap top and had my emails and mumsnet open at the same time.

Do you have kids?

It's hard if you feel he does other things for you other than provide financial stability, then it's your decision as to whether that's enough for you.

Its not a wind up.

Tonight, after our 'what would you do if...? chat, I felt sad , thats all really.

Maybe its the time of year, maybe its the toll of Covid-19 and the impact its had on me (a close relative died, and my key-worker job has been very difficult with increased workload and having to face potential exposure to the virus -like many other key workers, not particular to me!)

Our jobs and roles are an agreed thing between us- I wouldn't have progressed in my career so easily without him taking the main household duties and stresses, like I said, I only do the tasks I'm happy to do, he takes on the rest.

You haven't said if you have any children, so what exactly has this loser been doing (for at least 15 years). This has got to be a joke or this 'man' wins the MN prize for the worse cocklodger.

I'd be feeling bloody SAD long before now 🤔

Well, I'm currently a SAHM and I've found it difficult not continuing to the family financially - and I don't feel comfortable spending joint money (earned by my partner) on selfish things that only benefit me. So, perhaps he just got carried away at the thought of money that you've not had to earn, and listed things he's wanted for a while but can't justify spending 'your' money on.

If OP was the man and her DP was a SAHP with a volunteer job and a creative hobby that earned little,

OP says she works fulltime AND "does the household thinking and planning". If this guy's not contributing financially or carrying the mental load, while indulging his hobby and volunteering, then he's absolutely a cocklodger.