saddened by dp

[saddenedbydp]

For context- i have no doubt that dp would be considered to be a cocklodger anyway- he works 16 hrs per week, in a voluntary (and meaningful) job .- We share household tasks- him doing considerably more than me- I only do the tasks I want to- this reflects our difference in hours and in me doing the household 'thinking and planning'.

We get on really well, enjoy each others company, have fun, and are close and loving.

I work 37, more if I can get overtime, I pay everything- all bills, services, food, clothes, and have bought all Christmas/birthday/wedding etc gifts for both families, and paid for the supplies for his relatively expensive creative hobby for the entire time we've been together.

He decreed many years ago that we wouldn't buy presents for each other- we'd just get what we want, whenever we want it- mostly this was because he didn't earn anything, so any gift he 'bought' would be from my earnings.

We have a joint account from which all purchases are made.

To be fair, any income from his creative hobby was paid into our collective pot- this has been around 2.5k over the past 15 yrs (we've been together significantly longer.)

Idly checking through my emails, I come across a competition that could win 2K- I've joined, it, and asked dp if we won, what would he do with the 2K?-

he immediately said 2 things he would buy for himself- these are things I would have no involvement or enjoyment from, and are connected to another hobby of his that I dont share.

I'd been thinking of a couple of things I'd buy that we'd both enjoy- holiday, or pay towards a new bathroom that we're saving for

I just feel ridiculously sad that - even though this is a hypothetical small sum of money we would win - he thought only of himself when thinking what we'd do with it

I've told him that if we win, he's not getting any of it, because of his answer- I'm going to spend it only on myself- I'm not even going to buy a holiday for us both.

He's tried to backtrack, but I've told him to drop it- he's done himself out of a share.

The stupid thing is, we probably wont even win -it has just really has saddened me.

I would say my husband does all that for me. He also works 40 hours a week in a job where he barely gets time to eat or run to the loo, and we have a teen and a toddler.

To be honest, your DP sounds like he's your paid companion. Which is fine if that's what you want, but I simply can't see what he's doing with his time. A basic house with two adults in it simply doesn't need a huge amount of upkeep to begin with. What on earth is he doing with his time?

What age is your DP? I think the only way I could possibly accept this set up is if your DP is significantly older than you, worked hard and was the breadwinner when you were younger and still getting established in your own career, and is now winding down a bit. Even so I'd still expect him to contribute financially, which he isn't apart from that 2.5k- am I getting that right?

My DH is 10 years older than me, and in about 10 more years I hope to retrain and to be much better paid than I am currently. If this is the case then I will suggest to DH that he cuts down his hours,because by that point he'll need the break frankly,plus he has supported me when I reduced my hours after having our youngest.

On saying that, the way things are going I imagine we'll both have to keep working a day or two a week until we essentially drop, but then again I think there's something to be said for keeping active and feeling useful in old age.

Come to that, what about pensions? Does DP have one? Are you going to have to fund him through yours?

I don't know. Unless there's a drip feed that he's nearly 80 or has an illness, I think that this will possibly come back to bite you- what if you end up ill or want to cut your hours down some day?

And I mean, I'm sure he is a nice guy. He should be- he has a very cushy life. Everything paid for and all the time in the world to pursue his interests.

I'm interested in how fairly the household tasks are divided though. It sounds as though you still do a lot of the "household admin" - if you're eg paying for the bills and paying for the family presents then I assume he isn't. So it's you doing the thinking and planning around that.

So he's basically doing the cleaning/hoovering/mopping, and cooking dinner. Again, unless there's a huge drip feed, this simply does not take a huge amount of time in a home with only two adults in it. What's that, one or two loads of laundry a week, a house that isn't getting particularly dirty or messy? I mean you're out of the house most days, a quick whizz around with the hoover and the bathroom cleaned doesn't take long

How much upkeep does a house really need when there's two adults living there?

Hmmmmmmm

Definitely a masssssive cock lodger

If you're happy with his contribution to your life together, then there's no problem and it's a bit unfortunate that some posters are determined to make it one.

I think you're overreacting a little to him thinking of things he'd buy himself. Maybe because he doesn't have his own money, imagining getting £2k of his own to splurge felt like it would be just for him? I think if you're generally happy and feel loved, then good for you and try not to take it to heart.

He's not really a man, is he? More like a pampered neutered pet. But if you're happy, that's up to you.

I would get rid OP and join a debating society.

I don't really understand a grown adult being 'kept' when it isn't about joint children or caring responsibilities. But this is how you've built your life.

I suppose he thinks of buying himself something because in his world, you bring the money and this would be the one chance to spend money you didn't make so it's 'free' to spend on him.

Very charitable outlook because I actually think it's ridiculous. I've worked for non-profits for decades and been paid, albeit peanuts for most of my career. DH puts more in the pot so I can do this work. I do it full-time and contribute though. I get paid decently now though, because I've been doing it so long.

I would not do this again OP. I was married to someone for 20 years who just did whatever he please and was hardly ever in work.
It mentally finished me off.
When I finally cracked and said get a job or leave he left and set up home with a woman I think he was seeing all along.
I won't ever "look after" another man. They either come with a job, home and pension or I'm not interested and would rather be alone.

@user1493494961

I would get rid OP and join a debating society.

@DoormatBob

Man stays at home facilitating partners career. Selfish, cocklodger, freeloader.

Woman stays at home facilitating partners career. Unsung hero, its household money, of course she deserves half the money and pension.

When have you ever read that on here other than when the woman was a SAHP?

But then I'm not surprised, there's a lot of internalised misogyny on here about not valuing the childcare provided by the mother.

But then I'm not surprised, there's a lot of internalised misogyny on here about not valuing the childcare provided by the mother.

It's true. When there are children someone has to look after them and someone has to do that labour. So whether you pay for the labour or DIY it, it has to get done. Same with caring responsibilities. Either a family member, government or paid carer is doing it.

What is the 'facilitating' role here? A bit of housework?