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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

saddened by dp

61 replies

saddenedbydp · 15/12/2020 23:11

For context- i have no doubt that dp would be considered to be a cocklodger anyway- he works 16 hrs per week, in a voluntary (and meaningful) job .- We share household tasks- him doing considerably more than me- I only do the tasks I want to- this reflects our difference in hours and in me doing the household 'thinking and planning'.

We get on really well, enjoy each others company, have fun, and are close and loving.

I work 37, more if I can get overtime, I pay everything- all bills, services, food, clothes, and have bought all Christmas/birthday/wedding etc gifts for both families, and paid for the supplies for his relatively expensive creative hobby for the entire time we've been together.

He decreed many years ago that we wouldn't buy presents for each other- we'd just get what we want, whenever we want it- mostly this was because he didn't earn anything, so any gift he 'bought' would be from my earnings.

We have a joint account from which all purchases are made.

To be fair, any income from his creative hobby was paid into our collective pot- this has been around 2.5k over the past 15 yrs (we've been together significantly longer.)

Idly checking through my emails, I come across a competition that could win 2K- I've joined, it, and asked dp if we won, what would he do with the 2K?-

he immediately said 2 things he would buy for himself- these are things I would have no involvement or enjoyment from, and are connected to another hobby of his that I dont share.

I'd been thinking of a couple of things I'd buy that we'd both enjoy- holiday, or pay towards a new bathroom that we're saving for

I just feel ridiculously sad that - even though this is a hypothetical small sum of money we would win - he thought only of himself when thinking what we'd do with it

I've told him that if we win, he's not getting any of it, because of his answer- I'm going to spend it only on myself- I'm not even going to buy a holiday for us both.

He's tried to backtrack, but I've told him to drop it- he's done himself out of a share.

The stupid thing is, we probably wont even win -it has just really has saddened me.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 16/12/2020 02:37

@FlamedToACrisp

I don't think he's a cocklodger, and the expectation that the man should be provider is sexist and old-fashioned. If OP was the man and her DP was a SAHP with a volunteer job and a creative hobby that earned little, would PPs still feel the same way about the situation?

You asked what HE would spend the money on, OP, and he answered you. If you had asked, "What do you think WE should spend it on if we win?" your attitude would be reasonable, maybe, but it's hardly a major issue.

As to PP saying you should LTB over this - that's very poor advice, even if it wasn't just before Christmas during a pandemic. FFS.

In your position, I would focus on seeing if there were ways his creative hobby could make more income for the household.

A sahp parent parents. How is this relevant to the op, she’s not mentioned any children.
JillofTrades · 16/12/2020 04:55

He is selfish because the last few decades he has lived a very selfish life. He sounds like he has a very comfy life at your expense.

AlicebytheSea · 16/12/2020 06:10

Do you have kids?

SimonJT · 16/12/2020 06:16

@Grimsknee

If OP was the man and her DP was a SAHP with a volunteer job and a creative hobby that earned little,

OP says she works fulltime AND "does the household thinking and planning". If this guy's not contributing financially or carrying the mental load, while indulging his hobby and volunteering, then he's absolutely a cocklodger.

Just because someone is a house husband/wife, that doesn’t mean the working partner shouldn’t contribute to the running of the home.

Do you really think the house husband/wife should do absolutely everything?

Arrivederla · 16/12/2020 06:22

As a pp has said SAHP means someone is at home parenting. I know many women who do this, I don't know many who stay at home doing an expensive little hobby with no kids!

AlwaysCheddar · 16/12/2020 06:23

He needs to get a job! He has no pension I guess too? Sounds like a complete freeloader.

Schehezarade · 16/12/2020 06:24

I would make sure that ,as the earner, your are very secure in house ownership / pension / savings. Not that you are having problems but if it did happen could you pay maintenance (I don't actually know what happens in a relationship with no DCs or if you are married), have a good retirement on your pensions. He seems to have hobby time, do you?
PS you're nuts

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2020 06:28

Why doesn't he have a paid job? You sound like a bit of a mug tbh

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 06:37

This guy is a selfish twat. He has contributed 2K in 15 years? What the fuck? You say "we are saving for a new bathroom" - no OP, YOU are saving for a new bathroom.

This guy is taking you for a ride and has been for nearly two decades. What are you doing? WHAT are you doing? OP would you not consider leaving him?

Grimsknee · 16/12/2020 06:44

*Just because someone is a house husband/wife, that doesn’t mean the working partner shouldn’t contribute to the running of the home.

Do you really think the house husband/wife should do absolutely everything?*

No I don't. It makes sense that the fulltime earner should have their mental energy focused on their job, and should also make a significant contribution to household chores and parenting without having to be asked. The SAH spouse should have their mental energy focused on their kids, part time work if they do it,... and the household thinking and planning (I do the household thinking and planning, and it's the equivalent of a part time job).

I do not know of ANY male fulltime earners who ALSO do all the household's thinking and planning, do you? Where there's a female SAHP, it's ALWAYS her role. Why doesn't this guy do it? (answer: because it's fucking hard work and he sounds really lazy).

Desmondo2016 · 16/12/2020 07:08

You don't mention kids or the associated work they entail so my view is that you are absolutley naiive if you've let him con you that he's supporting your career by doing some household tasks.

I don't think your sadness is about the hypothetical windfall conversation, it's that deep down you know he's taking you for a ride and you've been merrily going along with it.

Time for him to earn some money and stop being a freeloader.

SimonJT · 16/12/2020 07:09

@Grimsknee

*Just because someone is a house husband/wife, that doesn’t mean the working partner shouldn’t contribute to the running of the home.

Do you really think the house husband/wife should do absolutely everything?*

No I don't. It makes sense that the fulltime earner should have their mental energy focused on their job, and should also make a significant contribution to household chores and parenting without having to be asked. The SAH spouse should have their mental energy focused on their kids, part time work if they do it,... and the household thinking and planning (I do the household thinking and planning, and it's the equivalent of a part time job).

I do not know of ANY male fulltime earners who ALSO do all the household's thinking and planning, do you? Where there's a female SAHP, it's ALWAYS her role. Why doesn't this guy do it? (answer: because it's fucking hard work and he sounds really lazy).

Yes I do, I’m also a lone parent so I do it all.

Household thinking and planning isn’t at all like a part time job, nor is it hardwork, and I say that as someone who had SS involvement, multiple medical appointments with various specialists and contact centre visits as part of my normal household planning. Not just the usual dental appointments, insurance etc.

Grimsknee · 16/12/2020 07:16

@SimonJT, you may be a lone parent who does it all, and that's great for you if you don't find it hard work as I do. Unlike you though, OP has a fulltime partner. If you're capable of doing all the thinking and planning (because you have to), and it's not all that hard, why isn't a fella who barely works at all? Why is his wife working fulltime AND carrying the mental load?

SimonJT · 16/12/2020 07:18

[quote Grimsknee]@SimonJT, you may be a lone parent who does it all, and that's great for you if you don't find it hard work as I do. Unlike you though, OP has a fulltime partner. If you're capable of doing all the thinking and planning (because you have to), and it's not all that hard, why isn't a fella who barely works at all? Why is his wife working fulltime AND carrying the mental load?[/quote]
Because a partnership is about sharing. Working is not an excuse to avoid household commitments.

ivfbeenbusy · 16/12/2020 07:40

Do you have kids? Because I fail to see how him working so little and not contributing financially is assisting your career???? Get a cleaner, get a gardener etc???!!! Unless you have to travel the world/move a lot for your job?

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/12/2020 07:44

men are incredibly selfish in my experience

..... And we're off.

DoormatBob · 16/12/2020 07:53

Man stays at home facilitating partners career. Selfish, cocklodger, freeloader.

Woman stays at home facilitating partners career. Unsung hero, its household money, of course she deserves half the money and pension.

ReallySpicyCurry · 16/12/2020 07:58

I really think this depends on whether you have kids or not. Working 16 hours a week when there are kids in the picture is a totally different ball game to working 16 hours a week when you're an able bodied adult. The former is a perfectly sensible choice, the latter is being a lazy bastard. If you and DP are childfree then you don't need someone at home to mop the floors to "support your career" ffs, he could work more and you could hire a cleaner to do that. Sounds like he's on a really cushy number. Don't marry him or he'll have your pension. And yes I'd say exactly the same thing if OP was a man and the DP a woman.

ReallySpicyCurry · 16/12/2020 07:58

*able bodied adult with no dependants that should say

timeisnotaline · 16/12/2020 09:37

@DoormatBob

Man stays at home facilitating partners career. Selfish, cocklodger, freeloader.

Woman stays at home facilitating partners career. Unsung hero, its household money, of course she deserves half the money and pension.

How many childless women quit their jobs to facilitate their husbands career? Trailing spouses aside I know none. Plenty of at home mums, zero at home childless wives.
ItisRainingAgain · 16/12/2020 09:46

OP thing is, his life for the time you’ve been together is about him and his wants with you funding it and looking after him. He doesn’t have to properly adult with a job and income because you are there to mummy him and make up the shortfall. If he was the type of man to properly adult and care about his partner as much as he cares about himself he wouldn’t be, as you have admitted, a cockloger. So that is who he is.

Arrivederla · 16/12/2020 12:03

@DoormatBob

Man stays at home facilitating partners career. Selfish, cocklodger, freeloader.

Woman stays at home facilitating partners career. Unsung hero, its household money, of course she deserves half the money and pension.

What a load of rubbish. Women stay at home if they are parenting. There is no indication that this man is parenting.
Livandme · 16/12/2020 12:16

Is this your lightbulb moment op?

LilyLongJohn · 16/12/2020 12:21

Do you have dc?

Original poster
saddenedbydp · 16/12/2020 12:37

We dont have children (I'm infertile)

I get a lot from our relationship- I think I've already said I feel loved- we have similar politics (I'm maybe a bit further left than him) we share some pastimes, but both have independent hobbies, we can have stimulating debates about social issues where we differ in opinion (eg I'm republican, he thinks we are better with a royal head of state)

I challenge him when I think he is wrong, and he does me- this, we feel, has made us think about our attitudes and makes us strive to be better people (for example, I can dislike something someone does and can be very unwielding/unforgiving- he reminds me of the Christian values I try to aim towards which gives me pause to think)

We have fun, we share a sense of humour, his job is within a cause I feel strongly about, I still get that little jolt of pleasure when I catch sight of him if we've been parted when out and about.

We agreed many years ago that I would be the breadwinner, he would look after me and the house- I'll basically do the household tasks I choose (I'm not a home-maker in any way)

I said at the beginning that he may be considered a 'cocklodger', as this on the surface is how some men who dont earn are described on Mumsnet, I dont consider him to be one, however, some of the responses on here , are giving me pause for thought.

I'm at work so cant respond frequently, I just didn't want anyone to think I'm ignoring your comments.

OP posts: