‘Snake’ eyes

[Berr]

My SIL seems like a lovely person and we always get on, but I am becoming increasingly freaked out by her ‘unguarded’ moments. One day, when I’d known her for a while, I was chatting with my brother and happened to glance at her and her expression really unnerved me. She was quite coldly and unguardedly checking me out. She saw me looking and looked normal and smily again, but it really changed how I felt about her. Since then I’ve caught her doing it again, with me or the kids. E.G my four year old was wanting my husbands attention and she looked at her so coldly, almost like she was assessing her. Has by one else met anyone who seems to briefly wear their feelings on their face like this?
We saw them after the last lockdown and there were two occasions where the mask slipped and you could see microexpressions of disdain. Feel like I’ve got a bit of cognitive dissonance, because my head’s telling me she’s lovely, but my instinct’s saying she doesn’t wish us well.

I can sometimes be accused of narrowing my eyes at people - I'm totally not aware of doing it usually, I am often just thinking about something unrelated to the person I'm looking at! DS tells me it looks as if I'm giving him a dirty look.

I think you’re reading too much into this. I also have a face that looks unfriendly when I’m not actively trying to smile... people usually think I don’t like them when I first meet them.

The more comfortable I am with people, the less I smile because I don’t feel the need to “overexpress” my smile like I do with people I don’t know so well.

I think the fact that she smiled and changed her look means that she was aware you'd noticed and could potentially see what she was thinking.
If it was a 'natural' look I doubt she'd be aware and feel the need to change the look. Iyswim

She might just need her eyes tested.

I know I narrow my eyes to see better. 😬

I'm always a bit sceptical of reading too much into expressions/body language - it's not always giving stuff away. As others have said, it may just be RBF/ daydreaming. I'd say if her behaviour hasn't given you any cause for concern then there's no need to jump to conclusions from occasional expressions.

Early in our relationship, before he got over his insecurity about this kind of thing, DH would sometimes tell me at an event that my body language was 'too shy' and I'd tell him I was feeling perfectly confident thanks, and i didn't think that everyone would believe would read it that way, plus what was wrong with being shy anyway? (He had a chip on his shoulder from his parents about this). Just an example of why body language isn't everything

I'm another who does this, usually if I'm not wearing my glasses, I've got a headache (or I've got a headache from not wearing my glasses), or just thinking about something else totally unrelated. So if you were talking to me, I'd probably completely change my expression when you caught my eye because I'd be coming back from thinking 'oh damn, did I take the washing out/should we take different route home to avoid traffic/I have a top that colour, wonder where it is' or whatever.

But then, some people are indeed two-faced so I can't say for definite in your case.

My DH used to be very friendly with a couple like this - there was something very disingenuous about them and I often felt we were being judged by them (goodness knows why actually!).

We don't see them much anymore but, strangely, when I was writing their Christmas card a few days ago I made a silly mistake and had to start again - it was like I was worried about what they'd think of what I'd written or even my writing!

I've never felt that with anyone else.

@Spied

I think the fact that she smiled and changed her look means that she was aware you'd noticed and could potentially see what she was thinking. If it was a 'natural' look I doubt she'd be aware and feel the need to change the look. Iyswim

Oh no, you'll know if you have resting bitch face, and will know you need to remember to smile if you spot people looking at you. Trust me, I'm always doing the trying-to-be-reassuring smile when I realise I'm being observed.

I have a naturally pissed-off/stroppy looking face and really have to focus on keeping that expression at bay when I'm with others! Unfortunately I'm also inclined to zoning out a bit and thinking/worrying about other things, especially if no one is directly talking to me, so I can very quickly slip up. I'm genuinely not thinking anything horrible - in fact when I do it I'm usually not even focussed on the people I'm with, even if I'm looking at them! I wouldn't take it to heart.

Whatthefuedgecake I do that, just totally space out thinking about something unrelated then suddenly realise I'm staring straight at someone, it's awkward and probably looks like I'm thinking horrible things about them.

At university I had a lecture stopped for the lecturer to challenge me over my facial expression as apparently I looked so angry and horrified by what he was saying (I was front row) he just had to know what I wasn't agreeing with.

I was just concentrating, and actually really enjoying the lecture...

@Berr

I don’t think it was resting bitch face, because kids and workplace stress have left me with a bit of a frowny unhappy expression when caught off guard so I know the look It was just so calculating and unpleasant. Totally out of place on someone so seemingly ‘nice’.

But that's the point, resting bitch face doesn't indicate stress, or worry, disdain or anything negative at all.

RBS happens when you might be perfectly happy. You just haven't told your face

*RBF

You are mind-reading. I bet if someone was to take a quick snap of your own facial expression at a random moment and then write a caption to go with it you would be horrified at the thoughts ascribed to you. You are thinking bad things about your SIL, including calling her "Snake Eyes" - I bet she doesn't think for a minute that you are so sly and horrible, but you are.

How long have you known her OP? What has she done or said in that time that leads you to believe that she is disdainful of you and your children?

It could be all in your head.

But I would not ignore this, personally. In my experience, some people are wonderful and others seem wonderful but have different inner selves, which you may never need to know about.

Agree with others I have shocking Resting Bitch Face and had no idea until this year. Zoom meetings have been a horrifying revelation for me

I wonder if this is like leering - you know it when you see it but post on here and 1001 people will have compelling reasons why it wasn't that.

Given it's a IL - I suspect nothing more sinister than she find her DH family a bit wearing and perhaps not her cup of tea or fine in short doses and has to make a huge effort to be friendly and polite when she'd rather be doing something else and occasionally that comes through in micro expressions or she strongly disagree with convesation but is keeping her views to herself to be dipolmatic.

what does your gut tell you op, what do you honestly feel...there's your answer...

You sound to me like someone who needs reassurance that the people around you are thinking kindly of you and your family all the time. If someone's not consciously plastering on a smile or looking positive, you are freaked out by their 'neutral' expression not involving a consciousness of looking friendly. It sounds like an insane overreaction to someone you admit has never, by word or deed, done anything unpleasant to you.

You'd probably be completely freaked out by me, because I write novels, and yes, absolutely there are times when I'm looking at people and seeing them in terms of material.

I think in life you have to listen to your gut instinct about people and situations. I've been hoodwinked into trusting people before now, and it's turned out they were not a very nice person. I wish I'd listened to my gut. Keep your guard up I would.

Resting bitch face is totally different IMO. I have one of those.

Hmm, yes I can def see what a lot of you are saying about resting bitch face and I will take it on board that it could be my own insecurities. It does feel really unnerving though as I haven’t experienced being looked over like this before. Isn’t resting bitch face just a bitchy unhappy expression when unengaged, rather than eyes scanning you up and down, looking actively contemptuous.
We’ll be having a jokey chat and you glance at her and she’s looking someone over really calculatedly. It’s just so weird and awkward.

The flashes of disdain though, I’m sure they are real. Can people genuinely not recognise micro expressions?

I’m also wondering if there are a couple of people on here who regularly think badly of others in their presence and are unnerved by the idea that their thoughts might be visible on their face

This is an enormous drip feed now, but she was the OW in my brother’s case and I suppose I am deep-down suspicious of someone who could have an affair with a married man with kids, even though they’ve been together for quite a long time now. There have been a few really minor instances where I’ve thought she has stirred the pot, but I haven’t got anything concrete, so will probably just continue to keep at arms length.

I have resting bitch face too. I used to get lots of people say things like "what are you looking at?" Or "what is your problem?" When out and about, as a teenager and when people had been drinking especially. I mostly have very kind thoughts about others, but my resting face swings between homicidal and suicidal. So either people are asking me what my problem is or telling me to cheer up!

I think you should listen to your instincts. This sounds like something quite apart from resting bitch face.

Keep at arms length, keep your guard up, watch your back OP.
I have a colleague at work who is sweetness and light personified, however when the mask slips you see the real woman, just momentarily for example if she becomes angry or frustrated. Its quite unnerving. This person had a secret affair with another colleague and painted them as a stalker to save her own reputation, so yes I know the type.

Arms length, OP, arms length.