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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't cope, how do I sort this

54 replies

Lostanddepressed · 15/12/2020 20:28

So yesterday I had a disagreement with my bf. We've been together since Jan. It all started via text.
Then I get this message from him 'F*k off I hate you, you're a damaged piece of st. Fk off, take your issues to some other c*t'.

I have tried to explain to him so many times that I have no confidence, he regularly says negative things about my appearance. These by far outweigh the compliments, which are very few.

I was previously in a relationship involving dv. He knows this and knows this was what partly destroyed my confidence. I guess thats why he says I'm damaged.

After an hour he said sorry but then almost immediately got angry again.

Seriously how do I sort myself out? I see that I need to work on myself, I've never denied that to myself or him. But obviously I need to work on myself and I have no idea how or where to start. I just feel like I'm worthless and no good to anyone and I've no idea what to do 😞

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 20:31

The first thing you need to do is block this arsehole entirely out of your life, immediately and no looking back. You then need to take proactive steps to get to the root of your self-confidence issues and why you keep attaching yourself to abusive men.

Lucyccfc68 · 15/12/2020 20:33

Freedom programme.

billybagpuss · 15/12/2020 20:37

You walk away and block him on everything. You’ve been together nearly a year if he was the one, he would bolster your confidence.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 15/12/2020 20:38

You might need to work on yourself a wee bit but I would imagine if you get rid of someone who chooses to speak to you in that way, most issues will suddenly disappear.

Get yourself a counsellor or read self help books (done neither though I probably should) and work on making you happy.

It isn’t unusual to go from one abusive relationship to another. And we go on to be more damaged.

You need your own little shark cage

PillowPrincess · 15/12/2020 20:42

Block him then stay away from men and relationships then get some counselling.

Jenifirtree · 15/12/2020 20:43

You block him in every which way you can.
You get some counselling.
You do the freedom programme

MotherOfDragons85 · 15/12/2020 20:49

He is abusing you OP. This is emotional abuse.

Often women who are drawn to abusive men have the same kind of relationships over and over and don’t see the pattern - I’ve been there too.

Block and delete him completely, do the freedom programme, maybe buy and read the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and spend some time on yourself, maybe some therapy too.

Original poster

Lostanddepressed · 15/12/2020 20:53

Thanks everyone. It seems you all agree that blocking is the best option 🙁

I am concerned that he will do something to himself, it will be my fault.

I dunno how to be anymore. Tbh I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.

I wonder if I pushed him too far because I'm so low and I was draining.

I'm so confused.

What is the freedom programme?

OP posts:

bloodywhitecat · 15/12/2020 20:57

If he did something to himself it would not be your fault (or anyone else's come to that). You didn't push him to anything, he is an abusive arse who is trying to control you.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 20:57

I am concerned that he will do something to himself, it will be my fault.

This is 100% incorrect, and if he threatens to hurt himself, it is nothing but pure manipulation to get you to stay and shut up. This is literally the oldest trick in the abuser's handbook. Don't fall for it.

Eifhsg · 15/12/2020 21:01

I was previously in a relationship involving dv

And you are currently in another relationship involving dv.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You can do the course online.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 15/12/2020 21:02

I am concerned that he will do something to himself, it will be my fault.
Emotional blackmail too.

Run as far away as you possibly can from this utter twat. If you don’t he will do nothing but bring you down!

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS!

As others have said, get some therapy and look at the freedom programme.

Hawkins001 · 15/12/2020 21:07

It seems his attitude will not help you improve, what started the disagreement ?

BlueThistles · 15/12/2020 21:13

So he treats you like utter shite... but you really worried he'll hurt himself and it'll be your fault ?

get this clown to fuck... and get your self esteem sorted before dating another manipulating bullying cretin. 🌺

category12 · 15/12/2020 21:15

You've gone from one sort of abusive relationship to another. Your current boyfriend may not physically hurt you, but he is emotionally abusive.

Get shot of him.
Do the Freedom Programme and work on building a good set of boundaries for relationships. Your shark cage is broken, you need to develop a better one.

Be very careful about who you share your history with - a certain kind of guy will use your vulnerabilities as a weapon against you. It's like an invitation to exploit you, not a reason to be considerate. And with a broken shark cage, you will be susceptible to ending up with these types.

BigBaublesGalore · 15/12/2020 21:15

@Aquamarine1029

I am concerned that he will do something to himself, it will be my fault.

Yes it is the oldest trick designed to manipulate you. If he does do this call the police or 111 and let them know he's in imminent danger and threatening to harm himself. They'll pay him a visit and he won't do it again

TonMoulin · 15/12/2020 21:18

It’s not you it’s him.

Even wo a history of DV etc... you don’t constantly criticise your partner’s appearance. And you certainly don’t speak to them the way he spoke to you.

I suspect your self esteem will be better once you have got rid of him.

Original poster

Lostanddepressed · 15/12/2020 21:18

@Hawkins001

It seems his attitude will not help you improve, what started the disagreement ?

I saw a comment he made with love heart emojis and kiss emojis on a womans photo (her saying about it being warm so she got her 'bangers' out) on social media.

I said that I felt that this was inappropriate, higlighted that he never comments on my posts (not that I get my bangers out on social media) and asked him how he would feel if I did the same on a pic of a topless man.

He did say he wouldn't like it, he did delete her and he deleted his comments (when I looked he'd also commented on another post of hers). But then it came out that he does look at suggestive pics on there, that he does 'like' the pics and that he finds them attractive so why shouldn't he?

I would find it easier to accept but these aren't models. They are on his profile, he's on theirs and they equally like his photos. It makes me feel like he's not genuinely into me or that he's just looking for someone better...

I realise that I am likely being unreasonable. He tells me I'm too insecure and it annoys him. I have always said I have an issue with my confidence and he said he'd try to help build me up. But seeing that has brought me down...

OP posts:

TonMoulin · 15/12/2020 21:20

And what @BigBaublesGalore said.

You will NOT be responsible for him doing something stupid.
If he did, this would be because of some serious MH issues he should have asked help for.
But he hasn’t has he??
And you certainly haven’t been insulted him the way HE insulted you.

He is manipulating you instead.

BlueThistles · 15/12/2020 21:22

He sounds utterly vile

Original poster

Lostanddepressed · 15/12/2020 21:29

@TonMoulin

And what *@BigBaublesGalore* said.

He is manipulating you instead.

He calls it high functioning ASD and personality disorder. I have seen medical notes about it as I have been helping him arrange appointments etc

OP posts:

Tiffbiff · 15/12/2020 21:30

There is nothing unreasonable in not wanting your partner to flirt with other women... and OP they’re are men out there who won’t- get rid and find someone who respects you

BigBaublesGalore · 15/12/2020 21:32

I would see this as a wake up call and your opportunity to get out of it

You don't really want to be arranging his appointments forever more do you? Not so bad if he was actually a nice person but he's absolutely nasty and what he can get away with now will only escalate down the line no matter how much he apologises and shows remorse... it's just not worth it

twilightermummy · 15/12/2020 21:47

Listen, all of that about the other woman means nothing. He is not treating **you right. You need to focus on this not the other. Say if he never looked at another woman again, would you be happy with him? No you bloody wouldn't. It got to the point with my ex that I was wishing he would find somebody else so that his attention wasn't on me. Oh, and he threatened to kill himself multiple times too. When I eventually saw his criminal background I discovered that his family had repeatedly made calls to the police about his anger and suicide threats. These threats are used for a purpose.
I can't stress enough, get rid of him and thank your lucky stars that there aren't kids involved. This will escalate. Get out now.1

Poppinjay · 15/12/2020 21:49

He is blatantly flirting with other women and standing up for his right to do so. That makes you feel insecure about his feelings for you, as it would anyone, and he then blames you for irritating him by feeling insecure.

He doesn't care about your feelings. He is abusive and getting a kick out of making you feel like rubbish about yourself.

You have left one abusive relationship and entered another.

You're not pushing him too far; you're not unreasonable; you're not draining; you're not worthless and you don't need to change.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats you with the love and respect you would offer them. You need to be with some who cares about your feelings and gets pleasure from making you feel happy and secure.

Please stop allowing this man to abuse you.

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