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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't cope, how do I sort this

54 replies

Lostanddepressed · 15/12/2020 20:28

So yesterday I had a disagreement with my bf. We've been together since Jan. It all started via text.
Then I get this message from him 'F*k off I hate you, you're a damaged piece of st. Fk off, take your issues to some other c*t'.

I have tried to explain to him so many times that I have no confidence, he regularly says negative things about my appearance. These by far outweigh the compliments, which are very few.

I was previously in a relationship involving dv. He knows this and knows this was what partly destroyed my confidence. I guess thats why he says I'm damaged.

After an hour he said sorry but then almost immediately got angry again.

Seriously how do I sort myself out? I see that I need to work on myself, I've never denied that to myself or him. But obviously I need to work on myself and I have no idea how or where to start. I just feel like I'm worthless and no good to anyone and I've no idea what to do 😞

OP posts:
Gilead · 15/12/2020 21:53

My ex always threatened to hurt himself. Four years later he’s still an annoying shit, but hey I got away.
Leave. Mine had all sorts of mental health problems, that’s no excuse to treat you like shit.

mathanxiety · 15/12/2020 21:55

Your first steps in sorting yourself out are:

  1. Dump him.
  2. Block him and never contact him again yourself.

After that:

  1. No more dating anyone until you have done the Women's Aid Freedom Programme and had a lot of counseling.
  1. Never get involved with anyone who has a personality disorder
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/12/2020 21:56

Well first thing dump him
And block him
Forget
And then stay single until
You have done some recovery
It’s work and time
It takes time

But until you can spot the red flags 🚩
Stay single

yetmorecrap · 15/12/2020 22:00

He sounds classy!! Move on OP- this type are always a piece of shit I’m afraid- if it’s not one thing it’s another- they wear you down— I see guys like this in town talking to their ‘women ‘ Like this and always feel pity that someone puts up with it

NotaCoolMum · 15/12/2020 22:01

ASD is NOT a green light to be an abusive twat op x

Belepheron · 15/12/2020 22:02

No one should ever talk to someone like that. It's appalling. He's damaging to you. Block him.

Dery · 15/12/2020 22:11

Abusers rely on their partners blaming themselves for the abusers’ nasty behaviour. I annoy my DH from time to time. He would never say anything like what your BF said to you.

As PP have said, you have gone from one abusive relationship to another. You need to step away from dating for a while, do the Freedom Programme and work on your shark cage.

Rainbowshine · 15/12/2020 22:11

he calls it high functioning ASD and personality disorder.

Really? I call it being an abusive arsehole.

ASD and personality disorders are not an excuse to abuse people. They are not a “do whatever you want and see no consequences” card you get out whenever you like.

Please get away from this man. Are you living with him?

category12 · 15/12/2020 22:18

It doesn't matter if he has ASD and a personality disorder, it doesn't stop what he's doing being wrong and abusive.

You were not put on this earth to be treated like shit by men.
You are not a cure for whatever ails him.
You are not his therapist or nurse.

MrsTumbletap · 15/12/2020 22:23

Going on other woman's profiles and putting love heart emojis is not on. He is not single. What a twat.

Hawkins001 · 16/12/2020 00:02

I understand your perspectives, it would seem that he would be more focused on boosting your feelings and confidence, as your together, However the better option may be to consider if that's how he is now, what's he going too be like x years with you ?

TonMoulin · 16/12/2020 08:47

ASD doesn’t make people suicidal (I have quite. A few people on the spectrum around me).
It doesn’t make them behave the way he does.

And. Even if ASD. Or. PD were the reason for his behaviour and was putting him at risk of suicide
THIS IS NOT A REASON TO STAY IN AN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIP

Sorry for the shouting but then the cause for the (very potential) suicide would be his illness/neuro diversity NOT YOU.

He is making you feel responsible for things you have no control over.

Purplewithred · 16/12/2020 08:55

@Dery I so wish my mother had taught me this rather than the opposite.

@Lostanddepressed - Flowers - I echo everything above. It’s definitely him, not you. Freedom programme. We’re behind you cheering you on.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 16/12/2020 08:59

A lot of the time we accept less than the best we can look to our childhood and reflect in the messages about ourselves we grew up with and how we've carried these into our relationships. Parent yourself. Love yourself. I really recommend coaching on YouTube. Just Google "creating healthy boundaries" or similar and there's free coaching videos which can really help you going forward. Your boyfriend is abusive and hates women. It's a lot to take in, but someone with healthy boundaries would walk away from anyone who called her a cunt and never look back. His language, his objectifying, his abuse. He hates women and you need to get out and block him

Original poster
Lostanddepressed · 16/12/2020 11:47

Thanks for all of your replies. Unfortunately I didn't remember that I had him on playstation and an online game app, he messaged me on there 😕

We don't live together, so I should just be able to cut him out but I am really struggling.

A friend has just sent me a screenshot of his tinder profile so he obvs was looking elsewhere. I know he hasn't done anything with anyone. At most maybe he's messaged.

I must be a seriously horrible gf 😪 even when I tried so hard I get this. Hes blocked me and then unblocks and reblocks so I'm struggling with his nasty words...

OP posts:
changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 11:50

You both made bad choices. He wants someone to dominate and abuse and you just love to be abused.

SPLIT

Mittens030869 · 16/12/2020 12:10

ASD and personality disorders are not an excuse to abuse people. They are not a “do whatever you want and see no consequences” card you get out whenever you like.

^This is so true, they're not, any more than MH issues are an excuse. We're all responsible for the way we treat other people, especially someone we claim to love.

If he really isn't capable of behaving appropriately then he shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

BigBaublesGalore · 16/12/2020 12:19

@Lostanddepressed

Thanks for all of your replies. Unfortunately I didn't remember that I had him on playstation and an online game app, he messaged me on there 😕

We don't live together, so I should just be able to cut him out but I am really struggling.

A friend has just sent me a screenshot of his tinder profile so he obvs was looking elsewhere. I know he hasn't done anything with anyone. At most maybe he's messaged.

I must be a seriously horrible gf 😪 even when I tried so hard I get this. Hes blocked me and then unblocks and reblocks so I'm struggling with his nasty words...

Errr you are not a terrible gf at all! He would do this to all his gf's. Please just let him go as you really really do deserve better. Be thankful you've seen his true colours before you were living together
Weirdfan · 16/12/2020 12:23

It's not that you were a horrible gf OP, it's that he's a grade A cunt! If your best mate told you her bf had treated/spoken to her like that would you tell her it must be her fault for being a shit gf? No of course you wouldn't so why on earth are you saying it to yourself?

LilyLongJohn · 16/12/2020 12:26

You didn't make a horrible gf you just happened to pick and abusive, manipulative arsehole

How do you sort it out? Dump him, block him and move on

Plussizejumpsuit · 16/12/2020 12:29

It really sounds like you're in another unhealthy relationship. I'd say the freedom programme too. So you can work on yourself and recognise the signs from future partners.

Oh and definitely block him

Original poster
Lostanddepressed · 16/12/2020 12:51

I must be doing something wrong, what are the chances that I go from a relationship with dv and then this. I am the common thing.

I have made a referral through my gp for some help, I just feel that I'm pointless and no good to anyone.

I'm going to look at the freedom thing now though it sounds like something I'd have to pay for and atm I don't have any spare funds 😑

It's all hopeless

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 16/12/2020 12:56

If he does something to himself then that's his problem OP. He shouldn't treat people like dirt and expect them to stay.

TonMoulin · 16/12/2020 13:54

You are NOT a horrible gf. HE IS a horrible man and partner.

And yes the common denominator is you. Not that there is anything wrong with you as such. Both men were twats to say the least. There is no discussion about that.The reason why it happened to you twice is because those men can feel when they have a potential victim in front of them. It's an issue with self confidence and boundaries. Not having something wrong with YOU as a person if that makes sense.

Flowers
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