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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lazy partner

91 replies

Snowie44 · 15/12/2020 18:46

Hi everybody. Wanted a rant because i feel im hanging on by a thread. Users seem to give good opinions and advice from what i can see on other posts. But here goes explaining my rant.
My partner seems lazy and miserable. We have 2 children together. I work 5 days a week he doesnt work to be honest he never has. He doesnt help around the house, no cleaning not even emptying bin he will get a carrier bag and use that as a bin doesnt get removed when filled just onto the next bag, no helping getting the kids ready before i leave for work if i do ask he will faf all morning on the tablet or spends 40 mins in bathroom so i just get on with it, i take the oldest to school and pick him up, he doesnt go shopping. He will go to the small shop around the corner but even that takes him half hr to finally go. I clean and do all i can on days off and bits when i get home fron work and spend time with kids. He looks after youngest while i go to work even that he refers to as 'babysitting' but i only work 5 hours a day surely he can help out a bit or am i being narrow minded. He will sit a play console all day and night we never watch actual tv so mojority if my evenings are upstairs with the kids. Now im at the point where i just cant be bothered anymore he still wont take initative to help around the house. So everyday i come back from work its a disgusting mess but i still clean the whole house on my days off. My hours are limited at work due to covid so we are struggling for money atm but still no motivation to get a job. Company has made redundancies so there is more pressure on me and i stress about it without coming home to a tip. What tops it off is how miserable and opinionated he can be over every little thing cant have an opinion without his imput why im wrong or 'laughable'. Or making the conversations about himself. I ask him if hes ok, he says hes fine. I dont know whether hes depressed, having a midlife crisis or just downright lazy and selfish. All i know is that im struggling too, being the one everyone seems to rely on, im going into a downward spiral because it really does seem like i do everything feeling so lost.
Thanks for taking the time to read

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 19/12/2020 17:23

Stop feeling guilty. He is making your life an absolute misery and treating you an unpaid servant.

Original poster

Snowie44 · 19/12/2020 21:14

@BlueThistles I am ready to leave him, to get rid of him. I know exactly what to say to him yet i freeze and cant say it so another day goes by then almost a week. Im battling my brain and heart his feeling too. I kniw what i want in my head but seems so hard to say outloud

OP posts:

Timeflyin · 20/12/2020 08:04

My dad was like this. My childhood was made miserable by it. My DM did end up leaving him when my DSis and I were grown up after many miserable years but without doubt regrets not doing it much earlier when we were children. She has met someone lovely now who is the exact opposite of him and I couldn't be more pleased for her. Theres no doubt that it has affected me and my Dsis but the main thing for me is that DM got out of the situation because it would of broke her eventually. This is something I very rarely speak about but wanted to say it to you as I think you need to get this man out seriously.

AgentJohnson · 20/12/2020 08:51

This isn’t and never was about him. This is who he is and always has been, your chronic lack of self worth is why you are here.

Sloth66 · 20/12/2020 11:33

You must be absolutely exhausted, working and then doing everything around the house.
This man brings absolutely nothing to your life. He’s also an awful role model for your children, who see you working yourself to the bone.
Can you get support to make a better life and leave this loser?

FifteenToes · 20/12/2020 13:14

So take away lesson: Never get into a relationship with someone hoping they will change. People do change over time of course, but they do so according to their own values and the lessons they learn from life, not in accordance with someone else's expectations. It's kind of arrogant to believe they will.

As for your current situation, you are absolutely, 100% being taken for a ride. He's got a cushy little thing going, gaming all day, not having to work and sex. He doesn't give a shit about you. Finish it and let him look after himself like an adult. If he chooses not to, that's not your fault.

I do wonder whether you'll need to be careful about custody, in case he applies to be resident parent on the basis that he's home with the kids more than you. Others here might know more about that.

Dazzband · 20/12/2020 13:26

OP you need to kick him out, or do you have any family to stay with while you sort yourself out. This needs to stop.

Original poster

Snowie44 · 20/12/2020 13:27

Wow i really hope someone can inform me more about that. How would this be able to happen, would i be the one who has to leave without the children... im confused

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowie44 · 20/12/2020 13:29

I have a brother that could potentially help me or stay with me but partner can be quite indimidating and threatening towards him but that was a long time ago, i would have to speak to brother first

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 20/12/2020 13:45

See if your brother can come around when you tell him to leave.

Leeches are always fine. They soon find other hosts to leech from.

I wouldn't mention a word about custody or anything to him. You don't want to give him any ideas.

He is probably too lazy and thick to actually file anything against you.

Original poster

Snowie44 · 20/12/2020 13:49

Yeah maybe but still a scary thought that it could possibly lead to custoday/courts

OP posts:

Redburnett · 20/12/2020 13:55

You have 3 children not two. LTB, or rather kick him out back to his birth mummy.

Rockinmomma · 20/12/2020 14:14

You don’t have to worry about custody, it’s legally your homeland he has no where to house his children or financially support them.
Bite the bullet OP, if you need to write down what you want to say and read it to him then do.

BlueThistles · 20/12/2020 15:04

the ball is entirely in your court OP.

PizzaForOne · 20/12/2020 17:13

Tell him it's over and that he needs to leave. Hopefully he complies. Otherwise after a few days you leave and take the kids.

He clearly doesn't like looking after his kids or doing anything hard. He will not fight for custody or want the kids to live with him. You can be amicable and allow him regular contact with the kids.

It's likely he will end up at his parents again and the DC will be able to visit and see him and his family there.

JudyGemstone · 20/12/2020 17:57

No judge is gonna give him residency, he's not a functioning adult! He can whistle for that.

OP, you sound young and I understand change is hard, especially when it's all you've ever know in your adult life.

The future holds so much more for you than this. He can move back in to his mums flat. Or not. Whatever, it's his problem.

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