Lazy partner

[Snowie44]

Hi everybody. Wanted a rant because i feel im hanging on by a thread. Users seem to give good opinions and advice from what i can see on other posts. But here goes explaining my rant.
My partner seems lazy and miserable. We have 2 children together. I work 5 days a week he doesnt work to be honest he never has. He doesnt help around the house, no cleaning not even emptying bin he will get a carrier bag and use that as a bin doesnt get removed when filled just onto the next bag, no helping getting the kids ready before i leave for work if i do ask he will faf all morning on the tablet or spends 40 mins in bathroom so i just get on with it, i take the oldest to school and pick him up, he doesnt go shopping. He will go to the small shop around the corner but even that takes him half hr to finally go. I clean and do all i can on days off and bits when i get home fron work and spend time with kids. He looks after youngest while i go to work even that he refers to as 'babysitting' but i only work 5 hours a day surely he can help out a bit or am i being narrow minded. He will sit a play console all day and night we never watch actual tv so mojority if my evenings are upstairs with the kids. Now im at the point where i just cant be bothered anymore he still wont take initative to help around the house. So everyday i come back from work its a disgusting mess but i still clean the whole house on my days off. My hours are limited at work due to covid so we are struggling for money atm but still no motivation to get a job. Company has made redundancies so there is more pressure on me and i stress about it without coming home to a tip. What tops it off is how miserable and opinionated he can be over every little thing cant have an opinion without his imput why im wrong or 'laughable'. Or making the conversations about himself. I ask him if hes ok, he says hes fine. I dont know whether hes depressed, having a midlife crisis or just downright lazy and selfish. All i know is that im struggling too, being the one everyone seems to rely on, im going into a downward spiral because it really does seem like i do everything feeling so lost.
Thanks for taking the time to read

His family are probably against you kicking him out because they don’t want to end up with him.

Who cares what his family thinks? It’s not up to him or them what you decide!

He is the only man i have ever been with we had our first child when we was still young about 8 months after officially being together. Yes it is my fault that id thought he would change should have gave him the boot then but i didnt because i wanted to help him sort himself i now im sorry to myself for being kind, actually, a mug.

I think you know what to do OP and when you're ready, because your home is in your name you can legally change the locks when he goes out and never see him again other than when he picks up the DC.

He's bleeding you dry emotionally and financially

When i was pregnant with baby no2, i asked my brother to help him get a job at his place, partner got the job then quit 1 week after cuz he didnt like it there

OP

This man

• does not work, has never worked
• does no housework
• 'babysits' HIS kids whilst not working or doing housework (and I can only imagine to what standard, perhaps left to their own devices whilst he games?)
• can't do the kids in the morning
• spends no quality time with you
• makes no genuine effort to change
• wants you to tell him how he can help and take all the mental burden from him
• no doubt when the kids have grown up and moved out he will still expect to sit at home whilst you do all the housework and family stuff, and continue to work. When you get to your hard-earned retirement he will still be the same.

This is the epitome of what people on here call a cocklodger.

Time to leave and take the kids with you. You will have one less 'kid' to look after. You will be no worse off financially - apart from any additional childcare which will be offset by less use of utilities and food by this man. Perhaps you have family who can assist with childcare as a cheaper alternative to paid?

In the future you can find someone far better than him, who:

• can contribute more (whether that be financially, around the house, with the kids - ANYTHING will be better than present) and support you
• wants to spend quality time with you
• will take some of the mental burden
• will provide a better sex life

His family no doubt guilt-trip you because his parents KNOW that he will just wind up with them doing the same for years and they don't want the BURDEN. Where did he live, how did he earn before meeting you? Was he not working and living in his parents spare room?

If you leave him, you will be able to send the kids to spend time with him and his family regularly and actually get some time for yourself for the first time in years. Imagine that!

When we was FWB to my knowledge it was his flat i didnt question as was nothing to do with me, when we was official i found out it was his moms flat she wasnt there often due to her mom being ill she stayed with her to support her. So he had the flat to himself for months. He told me he worked doing odd labour jobs. It wasnt until we was official all this came out he always said he had things lined up but i dismissed it like an idiot i understand its like this because of me at the time i didnt think i could be without him. But now almost 8 years on its bringing me now

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think about this.

You really have had MUG tattooed on your forehead when it comes to this particular individual. He knows it too and has played you like a violin throughout.

Are you codependent in relationships snowie; why have you apparently put this man and his needs well ahead of yours and your children's here (and do they have his surname too?).

There should be nothing preventing you now from getting rid of him for good.

I know relationships arent meant to be like this, but hes the only person ive been in a relationship with, only person ive ever had sex with. I was naive to begin with. I do feel like ive allowed all the excuses for so long hes comfy as someone said. Ive been clinging on to hope that one day he would change when i look to the future all i see is this and misery. I dont have the words to explain that to him without sounding like a awful person. And the children do have his surname

I have already said about the money troubles, lack of help but as ive said he convices me he will change and i do cling on to that. But now we are in the same situation but im struggling to tell him hes like a burden that he makes me sad

"I dont have the words to explain that to him without sounding like a awful person."

You would just be telling him the truth, it would come across as awful because you'd be holing up a mirror to his awfulness

I'm in a really similar situation so I know how you feel. I blame myself massively for enabling it to continue. I work full time (from home now thanks to covid) I do 100% of child care, housework, school runs (2 kids 7 and 2). Today for example he stayed up all night playing computer in his room, went bed at 9am got up at 1pm then straight back on to computer!

He has left house 3 times this year and has mental health issues but isnt willing to try and resolve them.

I will need to make changes in new year. It's my house (I bought while we were together but he couldn't go on mortgage and was too lazy to get married!) So I feel really guilty as he doesnt have any where to go, no friends and he doesnt get along with family. I cant even save up for a deposit as he spends too much !!

@TheresNothingIWantMore

"I dont have the words to explain that to him without sounding like a awful person."

You would just be telling him the truth, it would come across as awful because you'd be holing up a mirror to his awfulness

Agree. If telling someone the absolute truth about how they are requires you to tell them they are lazy, selfish and entitled - it doesn't mean you shouldn't say it, it just means they are lazy, selfish and entitled. He's a taker. A user. A leech. People like that don't change, they find a new victim and perpetuate their own role as a victim of life. They live in an alternate reality where the world owes them a living. Don't waste your life on him, you only get one chance to live it.

Same goes for you usernamegoeshere and I would make changes before the New year also. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. BTW I do not buy that he has MH issues (he also seems to have it well cushy at your house) and even if he did, its still no excuse or justification to treat you and in turn your kids like you have been to date.

Both you and snowie have allowed these useless male creatures into your lives and ultimately you are going to have to ask yourselves why that happened.

Attila my dad was an alcoholic so unfortunately I know now how I found myself in this position. I've been reading up about it and I'm going to get counselling before embarking on any new relationships.

Crazy thing is I remember my mum buying me books like 'women who love too much' and some others when I was in my late teens which implies she knew about codepency etc but I didnt read them and she never spelt it out!!

Get rid OP. Good luck 🤞

@AttilaTheMeerkat I quite agree. It’s so dreadful that amazing, compassionate women are being ground down by these abusive idle cocklodgers!

[quote FreshFreesias]@AttilaTheMeerkat I quite agree. It’s so dreadful that amazing, compassionate women are being ground down by these abusive idle cocklodgers![/quote]

agreed

I often ask people what they learnt about relationships when they were growing up, this is precisely why. Sometimes people learnt a lot of damaging lessons on relationships from parents who are after all the child's primary influence.

Sorry to read about your dad's alcoholism. Its not called the "family disease" for nothing and has wide ranging implications for all involved with the alcoholic. For one thing alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand.

I would certainly read up on codependency in relationships as I feel both you and the other poster by the name of Snowie are mired in this.
"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood is an excellent book and is still available. It may be an idea also for you to contact CODA (which is codependents anonymous).

Just get rid of this useless sperm donor. He's well and truly bringing you down.

He's a useless lazy slob.

Get rid.

How have you lasted this long with him? Seriously? And to have 2dc with someone who doesn't and can't provide for his family.

have you decided to get rid yet OP ?