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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lazy partner

91 replies

Snowie44 · 15/12/2020 18:46

Hi everybody. Wanted a rant because i feel im hanging on by a thread. Users seem to give good opinions and advice from what i can see on other posts. But here goes explaining my rant.
My partner seems lazy and miserable. We have 2 children together. I work 5 days a week he doesnt work to be honest he never has. He doesnt help around the house, no cleaning not even emptying bin he will get a carrier bag and use that as a bin doesnt get removed when filled just onto the next bag, no helping getting the kids ready before i leave for work if i do ask he will faf all morning on the tablet or spends 40 mins in bathroom so i just get on with it, i take the oldest to school and pick him up, he doesnt go shopping. He will go to the small shop around the corner but even that takes him half hr to finally go. I clean and do all i can on days off and bits when i get home fron work and spend time with kids. He looks after youngest while i go to work even that he refers to as 'babysitting' but i only work 5 hours a day surely he can help out a bit or am i being narrow minded. He will sit a play console all day and night we never watch actual tv so mojority if my evenings are upstairs with the kids. Now im at the point where i just cant be bothered anymore he still wont take initative to help around the house. So everyday i come back from work its a disgusting mess but i still clean the whole house on my days off. My hours are limited at work due to covid so we are struggling for money atm but still no motivation to get a job. Company has made redundancies so there is more pressure on me and i stress about it without coming home to a tip. What tops it off is how miserable and opinionated he can be over every little thing cant have an opinion without his imput why im wrong or 'laughable'. Or making the conversations about himself. I ask him if hes ok, he says hes fine. I dont know whether hes depressed, having a midlife crisis or just downright lazy and selfish. All i know is that im struggling too, being the one everyone seems to rely on, im going into a downward spiral because it really does seem like i do everything feeling so lost.
Thanks for taking the time to read

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowie44 · 15/12/2020 19:50

I have gave him that ultimatum. The last time we spoke about this he said i havent gave him enough time... he said how is he meant to improve if i havent given him time... all i have done is gave him time. Then he goes into self pity mode and i feel guilt ridden yet again. It makes me sad that the cards are in my hand yet i feel so trapped. A few words... i want u to leave, why do they seem so hard to say again its just circles with money, decision making, the house, the kids

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowie44 · 15/12/2020 19:54

The house is in my name, we started off as FWB. I enjoyed his company at the time the irony is that he was always there. Yet now thats the burden. I rent so realistically i couldnt just give him the house esp with him having no income but i was about ready to leave when i said that

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 20:00

You haven't given him an ultimatum because he's still there, and he knows your threats are meaningless. Why should he change when he clearly doesn't have to?

I'm sorry to be harsh, but at some point you need to take responsibility for being the maker of your own misery. You know who this twat is, you know he is a good for nothing cocklodger, and yet you continue to live this nightmare. If you want a different life, stop continuing to make the same poor choices.

Shuffled · 15/12/2020 20:09

Please get rid of him. He is not your responsibility. Kids don't need a role model like this and you sound miserable

Original poster

Snowie44 · 15/12/2020 20:14

Its just so hard to talk to him sometimes. He does make it about himself, when his family found out i wanted him to leave and i would if he didnt they did ridicule me, how i was mean, im disrupting my family to be selfish , but he will be homeless u cant do that etc. I hold everything to heart and its effecting me mentally now i understand im causing my own misery. I just feel stuck. Ive even contemplated taking the kids and staying at a hotel and sending him a letter to leave i wont return til he does. But does that seem.... abusive?

OP posts:

evenBetter · 15/12/2020 20:16

The only thing he has contributed is his sperm. He’s making a mug of you, and you’re allowing it.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 20:19

You would be absolutely mad to remove your children from their home. That is your home, not his, and if the lazy, useless bastard ends up homeless that's 100% his doing. Fuck him, fuck his family, and kick him out. If his family are so concerned for him, they can take him in and support him themselves. I guarantee they won't put up with his bullshit for nearly as long as you have.

WhatDoHedgehogsSay · 15/12/2020 20:21

I don’t work out why you’ve been with him for so long or had kids with him. Is this really the best you can do? Come on, he feels zero guilt! Think about the example he’s setting for your children, get rid of him. He’s an utter cocklodger and brings nothing to your life.

Spin66 · 15/12/2020 20:23

OP can I ask what was his situation when you first met? You say it was a FWB at first, but I am curious as to his situation and as to why he can’t find any work- even if to fit around your work.

I’m guessing that you’ve been together 6 years plus, as you spoke about you taking the youngest to school.

If he’s not on the Tenancy, then tell him to go back to a family member as a starting point (they don’t sound as though they want him though) and then he can prove his point if he is serious about change.

You do sound as though you have a “man child” on your hands though

MrsTumbletap · 15/12/2020 20:23

Seriously LTB

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 20:26

You'd rather remove your children from their own home than him leave? I don't understand that logic.

If he was that bothered about being a burden and gave enough of a shit then he would have contributed more either through finances, emotional load or in the case of a decent partner - a combination of the two that works for the whole family.

Talking about letting him stay while you take your own children to a hotel / elsewhere is frankly madness. He's an adult, he has choices, he can stay with friends / family - your children have no choice and don't deserve to be unsettled just because their dad is a lazy prick.

Stop putting him first and start thinking strategically. Life will be easier with one less person to carry!

PickAChew · 15/12/2020 20:29

Ignore his family. They're welcome to look after him, if they want. Get him gone.

EKGEMS · 15/12/2020 20:32

Why would you tolerate this? Where is your pride and self respect? Do you not think you deserve better than this?

Bananalanacake · 15/12/2020 20:34

You say he has never worked but I'm assuming he worked when you met him and he gave up work to be the SAHP while you worked, therefore he's saving money on childcare.

1AngelicFruitCake · 15/12/2020 20:38

I’m so sad for you reading this. You deserve better than this. Your children are learning about relationships from watching you both. He’s not going to change or is unlikely to. If he’s the SAHP he needs to clean and make meals (not all but most). I really hope you can find the strength to leave

Thankssomuch · 15/12/2020 20:41

Is this the life you want? If not, change it.

nancybotwinbloom · 15/12/2020 20:54

You have some thinking to do op.

He doesn't enrich your life. He makes it harder.

He is lax round the house when you are working.
Your coming home to more work.

Why the fuck doesn't he work? Why the fuck doesn't he appreciate that and get the house in order do you don't have to.

What do your friends and family say?

He was a FWB? Now he's just a with benefits. A friend wouldn't take advantage like this so why is he?

BlueThistles · 15/12/2020 21:01

Stop feeling sorry for him.. stop making excuses for him... stop sympathising with this lazy good for nothing man... I could appreciate his 'no job' situation if he was doing the cooking or keeping the home clean or doing the laundry or taking and collecting the kids from school.. but he is doing fuck all... lip service is all he pays... GET RID OP 🌺

WhatDoHedgehogsSay · 15/12/2020 21:16

Why are you feeling so guilty when he’s brought this entire situation on himself. He is making a choice.

YetAnotherChicken · 16/12/2020 04:50

I used to have a man like this. He also had a way with words and somehow talked me round and manipulated me into staying everytime. I left eventually and life improved so much. I'd really urge you to leave while the kids are still young. I still get angry with myself working 2 jobs (day and evening) when I had a baby under 1 while he sat at home doing sod all.....sorry babysitting.

Does he also smoke weed by any chance?

JillofTrades · 16/12/2020 04:59

He has never worked and you thought it was a bright idea to have 2 children with him? Come on, you completely put yourself in this situation and are enabling it. The fact that he has never worked didnt ring any bells for you?
Other than leaving him, complaining about something you knew exactly what the situation was is just pointless.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2020 05:27

@Snowie44

Well clearly he won't be homeless, he has family. Family who are as abusive as him, but family nonetheless. Family with sofas to sleep on and TVs to play his games on.

He's a parasite, and a manipulative one at that. He's not depressed, he's not struggling; he likes life just as it is, with him doing nothing and you so gaslit that up is down and left is right.

Please, please, throw him out (and change the locks after you do). Without him dragging you down, your mental health will have a chance to recover.

he doesnt work to be honest he never has.

timeisnotaline · 16/12/2020 05:33

Oh my god, just boot him. Work out a childcare option, Change locks and pack his stuff. There is no point having any more conversations with him. You are not doing him a wrong.

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 16/12/2020 06:05

Omg why have you not kicked him out? Babysitting his own child?
Seriously send him around my house, he won't know what's hit him.

WhatDoHedgehogsSay · 16/12/2020 12:47

You realise he loves having a comfy easy life so of course he’s going to manipulate you into thinking he should stay. As a pp said, he’s not struggling, he’s not depressed, he has an easy life and doesn’t want that to change. You are falling for it.

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