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Original poster

AIBU Work Friend

70 replies

Elan76 · 15/12/2020 07:34

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet but have found the forums really helpful over the past 12 months and would appreciate some advice.

I’m back with my partner after an acrimonious breakup 12 months ago where she ended up with another guy very soon after we split. We have started to see each other again about 2 months ago and things were going well.
We have two children 7 & 4. She mentioned that a guy at work had offered to help build the four year olds Christmas present (facilities guy so good at diy) I did say I didn’t think it was right that someone else should build the present as it’s for our child and now my mind is racing with loads of questions.
How did he know about the present? The box was in her car but how did he know about it
Is this guy single and what are his intentions?
Was it wrong for her to ask him
Are we going down the same path as 12 months ago where she struck up a friendship that ultimately led to us splitting
Or am I just being insecure?
Thanks

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/12/2020 07:38

I don't really think it matters what her intentions are.

What does matter is that you have tried a relationship again, but there is no trust due to past events.

Not trusting your partner is no way to live, for either of you.

category12 · 15/12/2020 07:47

Crikey, one of the most innocuous conversations you could have is about the Christmas presents you're buying your kid.

Did you split up because she cheated on you?

Original poster
Elan76 · 15/12/2020 07:51

No - we split up as we were arguing and it wasn’t healthy. The other guy was around though ‘as friends’ and they got together as soon as we had split up

OP posts:
bjjgirl · 15/12/2020 07:52

Honestly either trust her or split up, you will
Torture both of you if you carry on

bjjgirl · 15/12/2020 07:54

Fwiw it is perfectly innocent in my opinion

IamTomHanks · 15/12/2020 07:54

In the words of Ross, you were on a break. How quickly she moved onto another guy has nothing to do with you and she had every right to move on whenever she wanted.

Now, you need to calm the fuck down or you're going to push her away again.

SoddingWeddings · 15/12/2020 07:54

Massive insecurities.

category12 · 15/12/2020 07:55

Right, so you need to decide whether you can trust her or whether you're going to drive yourself crazy in this relationship. If you're going to go into a paranoid spiral everytime she has interactions with another bloke, you need to exit the relationship.

YankeeDad · 15/12/2020 07:57

Would you have the time and required skill to build it yourself? Perhaps with the “help’ of your 4-year old, as a way of spending time with him or her?

I cannot know the answer to your questions about your partner or the facilities guy. But one thing about which I do feel pretty certain is that time spent doing projects with your children is time really well spent, especially if you can experience this as being about your relationship with your child, not about other guys nor about keeping your partner away from them.

Perhaps you could present it to your partner as “I really would like to build this together with Sally, as part of her experience of receiving this gift” (if the 4-year old is a girl named “Sally”)

weightedpunch · 15/12/2020 07:58

She mentioned that a guy at work had offered to help build the four year olds Christmas present

How did he know about the present? The box was in her car but how did he know about it
Is this guy single and what are his intentions?
Was it wrong for her to ask him
Are we going down the same path as 12 months ago where she struck up a friendship that ultimately led to us splitting

If you start asking yourself all of these questions over such a small thing then you definitely aren't secure in your relationship. In an ideal relationship you should be able to take your partner for their word without your mind racing, if they take advantage of your trust then it's only a poor reflection on them and not you. It sounds like you're doubting her when she hasn't done anything to warrant it, which isn't fair at all.

Insecurities with partner's can often come from having low self esteem. Make sure you're doing things that make you confident and secure in yourself, without relying on anyone else. If you're already doing this and still lacking trust, I'd be considering if its really feasible to move on from what's happened in the past.

ThePlantsitter · 15/12/2020 07:59

We can't know what's going on. Sounds innocent enough tbh. If you suffer this level of pain every time she talks to another man (and I'm not blaming you) you need to think about your options. You can't live like this.

PillowPrincess · 15/12/2020 08:01

You shouldn't be together because that conversation is harmless and you are already triggered.

You should focus on co parenting.

Fwiw i dont think that guy has just friends intentions to offer the help he has the hots for her but it doesnt matter because he is not your partner, she is and you are too insecure, rightly or wrongly to have a good relationship.

Dozer · 15/12/2020 08:01

The intentions of the man at work don’t matter. And talking about gifts is pretty innocuous work chat, so unless you have other concerns about your girlfriend’s behaviour with this man you’re being unreasonable to be suspicious on that score!

What is the DC’s gift? Is it difficult to set up/build?

It sounds like in the past your then DP, now girlfriend, had at least an ‘emotional affair’. If she behaves in ways that gives you concern that another affair seems a risk, eg poor ‘boundaries’ with male ‘friends’ understandable if you don’t trust her, but if she does behave like that and/or you’re finding it hard to move on from her affair, it’d be better to end the relationship.

Original poster
Elan76 · 15/12/2020 08:05

Just to give this a little more context,

My main issue is that it’s our child’s main present and I do have the time to build it which she is aware of. I just feel a little like it’s not the right thing to ask another guy to build something that will be in your home for years. It doesn’t sit righ with me and I’d never ask another woman (or man) to do that with a present.
I asked if the guy was single she said she doesn’t know as they don’t discuss relationships so I said that means that he probably thinks your a single mum then as he doesn’t know about me

OP posts:
IamTomHanks · 15/12/2020 08:22

I asked if the guy was single she said she doesn’t know as they don’t discuss relationships so I said that means that he probably thinks your a single mum then as he doesn’t know about me

I wouldn't worry about it OP. You keep making comments like that and she'll be leaving you pretty quick, so whatever's going on with the facilities guy won't matter.

category12 · 15/12/2020 08:31

You initially said the facilities guy had offered to put it together, not that she asked him. Hmm

This isn't going to work. You need to stop and get a grip on your insecurity. It's not OK to police her and analyse & nitpick her conversations with other men. If you don't trust her, leave.

Original poster
Elan76 · 15/12/2020 09:20

I think that was my initial concern. Apparently he offered and she accepted but my question is how would he be aware that our child’s main Christmas present was in the boot of her car.
I do appreciate the advice and agree regarding the unhealthy insecurity. I did read an excellent quote that reflected what happened to us. “It wasn’t what you said, it wasn’t what you did, it was how you made me feel” that has stuck with me.
When I asked her about it she did say she could understand that I wasn’t happy about asking another guy to build it but that was the end of the conversation. Like one of the posters mentioned I’m just feeling insecure which isn’t a great look I accept and I do think the boundaries she has with other guys are not right when in a relationship and even more so given the affair last year.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 09:24

What affair?

category12 · 15/12/2020 09:25

First you said she didn't cheat, now you're saying affair Hmm. Make your mind up.

It's a perfectly innocuous conversation to have with a co-worker, to talk about a present you've just bought your kid.

“It wasn’t what you said, it wasn’t what you did, it was how you made me feel” places responsibility for your feelings on another person. No, they are your issue.

Original poster
Elan76 · 15/12/2020 09:43

She said she didn’t cheat - leaving a 9 year relationship with two children and sleeping with a guy within days of leaving the family home is sort of cheating to me. She had also been friends with this guy for quite a few months before the actual split (unbeknown to me) and he had helped her with the move and I’m sure been a shoulder to cry on - Would you call that an affair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elan76 · 15/12/2020 09:45

Totally agree it’s an innocuous conversation to have about a child’s present - not sure it’s so innocuous to ask him to then build it especially if the guy is single and he thinks she is too

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/12/2020 09:45

Yes, that was an emotional affair, if it wasn’t already a ‘full’ physical one. Has this been discussed/
acknowledged?

category12 · 15/12/2020 09:49

It's what you and she call it that matters. You got back together knowing this.

Clearly you don't trust her an inch, so you need to question why you're back with her and what your way forward is. I can tell you that policing her, nit-picking through her conversations and trying to control her is the way to toxicity in your relationship and to mental ill-health. You need to stop.

IamTomHanks · 15/12/2020 09:50

leaving a 9 year relationship with two children and sleeping with a guy within days of leaving the family home is sort of cheating to me.

I'd call that rebound sex. And if you were broken up, you were broken up.

I wouldn't call a friendship an affair no.

Original poster
Elan76 · 15/12/2020 09:54

She flatly denies any affair or wrong doing. He was just a friend until we had split up.
I do actually trust her.... maybe mistakenly.... I guess what I was looking for was that given what’s happened between us she wouldn’t ask a member of the opposite sex who I agree probably does fancy her (she’s very attractive) to build a sentimental present for our child that I would have liked to build for sentimental reasons. I don’t want to nit pick, police or anything like that I want someone I can believe in and trust.
Also we tried to get back together after about 2 months of the breakup and it didn’t work out and she went back to the same guy again.

OP posts:
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