AIBU Work Friend

[Elan76]

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet but have found the forums really helpful over the past 12 months and would appreciate some advice.

I’m back with my partner after an acrimonious breakup 12 months ago where she ended up with another guy very soon after we split. We have started to see each other again about 2 months ago and things were going well.
We have two children 7 & 4. She mentioned that a guy at work had offered to help build the four year olds Christmas present (facilities guy so good at diy) I did say I didn’t think it was right that someone else should build the present as it’s for our child and now my mind is racing with loads of questions.
How did he know about the present? The box was in her car but how did he know about it
Is this guy single and what are his intentions?
Was it wrong for her to ask him
Are we going down the same path as 12 months ago where she struck up a friendship that ultimately led to us splitting
Or am I just being insecure?
Thanks

I have lots of male friends and it would never cross my mind not to take someone up on an offer like this.
You are insecure and don’t trust her. Sounds like an awful relationship.

@Audreyseyebrows

I have lots of male friends and it would never cross my mind not to take someone up on an offer like this. You are insecure and don’t trust her. Sounds like an awful relationship.

And have you recently split up with your partner, had an awful year seen your partner go to another guy (twice) mess with the children’s heads? No?

She likes attention and you two love drama

I do actually trust her.... maybe mistakenly....
Come on now, you blatantly don't. You need to be honest with yourself.

You sound like a nightmare. How can you say you trust her when clearly that's not the case - your mind is running wild questioning this one little thing and digging up past issues which she must be sick to death of 'flatly denying'. There is no trust so this isn't going to work.

If you want to build it then tell her that and make sure you do actually build it. I don’t think she’s cheating on you with this guy, I think she probably mentioned it in passing and he offered to help because he’s good at that sort of thing. You’re being a bit paranoid.

Given all that has happened between you, you either need to engage with counselling or accept it's buggered and work on amicable co-parenting.

But it's no good driving yourself bonkers pretending you trust her yet jumping on every little interaction with men. It's toxic.

I do actually trust her.... maybe mistakenly....

You surely can't say this with a straight face.

If someone I was with for nine years shagged someone two days after we split up, then we got back together, split up again and they started seeing the person they shagged again then yes I would be incredibly upset and hurt.

I would also realise that's an unsalvageable relationship that would from that point on be toxic due to the hurt and trust issues, so I wouldn't get back with them.

You've chosen to get back with her, you've tried to make it work but your trust issues (which I can understand to an extent) are now making you behave in a way that is very clearly becoming controlling and paranoid.

Again, I understand why you may feel paranoid but that doesn't mean it's right to start being controlling and accusatory. What it does mean is that you need to accept too much has happened, you've tried, the relationship isn't going to work long term and you need to break up and focus on coparenting.

Otherwise the resentment and paranoia will worsen, you'll become controlling and the dynamic will become toxic which will ultimate damage your sons wellbeing too.

You tried, it didn't work, time to end it.

I do actually trust her.

You don't.

You are keeping her around to guilt trip her.

Look at how you talk about her. The trust won't come back

Its inevitable this won't work out, its just a case of when, not if, you split up.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I do actually trust her.... maybe mistakenly....

You surely can't say this with a straight face.

If someone I was with for nine years shagged someone two days after we split up, then we got back together, split up again and they started seeing the person they shagged again then yes I would be incredibly upset and hurt.

I would also realise that's an unsalvageable relationship that would from that point on be toxic due to the hurt and trust issues, so I wouldn't get back with them.

You've chosen to get back with her, you've tried to make it work but your trust issues (which I can understand to an extent) are now making you behave in a way that is very clearly becoming controlling and paranoid.

Again, I understand why you may feel paranoid but that doesn't mean it's right to start being controlling and accusatory. What it does mean is that you need to accept too much has happened, you've tried, the relationship isn't going to work long term and you need to break up and focus on coparenting.

Otherwise the resentment and paranoia will worsen, you'll become controlling and the dynamic will become toxic which will ultimate damage your sons wellbeing too.

You tried, it didn't work, time to end it.

Thanks for your response and acknowledgement of how you would have felt- that makes a lot of sense and I guess im trying to make it work because of my love for the kids and in hope that she may have learnt a lesson that the grass definitely isn’t greener and we had a lot to be thankful for. Even more so with the current worldwide situation.

I did suggest counselling- I went on my own but she didn’t want to go.

I’m back with my partner after an acrimonious breakup 12 months ago where she ended up with another guy very soon after we split.
You make it clear later that she slept with him after she’d moved out of the family home, presumably some time after you’d both decided to split? You don’t give reasons for the split. What were they?

We have started to see each other again about 2 months ago and things were going well. that’s good but 2 months isn’t much is it

We have two children 7 & 4. She mentioned that a guy at work had offered to help build the four year olds Christmas present (facilities guy so good at diy) I did say I didn’t think it was right that someone else should build the present as it’s for our child
Ok bit random to put it this way - why not just say “don’t worry love I’m happy to build the XYZ myself”? Or are you actually a lot less good at this particular thing than facilities guy. You say you have the time but do you have the right skills/kit or whatever?

and now my mind is racing with loads of questions. How did he know about the present? The box was in her car but how did he know about it
I mean - really? Where do you work where your kids’ presents are classified info? Most boring of small talk to me. If this is winding you up you need to take a look at yourself. Wouldn’t you mention a present to a friend fgs? Presumably she’d just picked it up.

Is this guy single and what are his intentions?
Unless he’s offering to install a sex swing which seems unlikely, what’s this got to do with anything? I had a guy in to fix my door the other day and I don’t know his marital status either. They’re friends.

Was it wrong for her to ask him
You think your very attractive partner has resorted to “yes please build this climbing frame, stud” as a chat up line? Seems unlikely.
Are we going down the same path as 12 months ago where she struck up a friendship that ultimately led to us splitting
IS that what led to you splitting though? You’ve said nothing that indicates this. Why would your partner say she left in the first place? Was it by any chance to do with you being jealous and insecure? (Not saying that was the reason, just that there presumably WAS a reason and you haven’t said what it is. The fact that she slept with someone else after leaving you doesn’t mean she left you in order to shag them does it. Plenty of people have rebound sex.

Or am I just being insecure?
I think you know the answer to this!

You need to decide OP whether trying again in a relationship that very clearly isn't working and is becoming toxic, is worth the damage that that toxicity will cause to your child.

It isn't.

Sorry, but there's no way in 3/5/10 years this relationship is going to be healthy and positive.

The trust is gone, there's no point playing the blame game now.

So you either split now before it gets nasty and more toxic, so you can put your child first and focus on coparenting them, or you can stay together but almost definitely sacrifice the chance of being able to stay on good terms and coparent successfully.

She doesn't want to go to counselling. You don't trust her and are already at the point of being controlling and paranoid - I know that's hard to hear but it's true.

It's over I'm afraid, time to put your son first.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I do actually trust her.... maybe mistakenly....

You surely can't say this with a straight face.

If someone I was with for nine years shagged someone two days after we split up, then we got back together, split up again and they started seeing the person they shagged again then yes I would be incredibly upset and hurt.

I would also realise that's an unsalvageable relationship that would from that point on be toxic due to the hurt and trust issues, so I wouldn't get back with them.

You've chosen to get back with her, you've tried to make it work but your trust issues (which I can understand to an extent) are now making you behave in a way that is very clearly becoming controlling and paranoid.

Again, I understand why you may feel paranoid but that doesn't mean it's right to start being controlling and accusatory. What it does mean is that you need to accept too much has happened, you've tried, the relationship isn't going to work long term and you need to break up and focus on coparenting.

Otherwise the resentment and paranoia will worsen, you'll become controlling and the dynamic will become toxic which will ultimate damage your sons wellbeing too.

You tried, it didn't work, time to end it.

Yes I also agree with this. You may be acting bonkers for a reason but it’s definitely not healthy because you’ve not addressed why you broke up in the first place

I guess im trying to make it work because of my love for the kids and in hope that she may have learnt a lesson that the grass definitely isn’t greener and we had a lot to be thankful for.
But what have you learnt?

WTF is this present which is so sentimental but requires a DIY expert?

We split up as we had been arguing a lot over the previous 8 months (funnily enough the same amount of time she had been talking to this new friend) he was successful, good looking, drove a nice car, muscular and regular gym goer. I didn’t know about this guy by the way. I think the reasons for the arguments see that she thought the grass was going to be greener so it was easy for her to nitpick. I was never controlling or insecure or jealous in any way. She actually said I was too laid back and not bothered so my reaction now is from the heartbreak I’ve felt over the past 12 months. I also do have a problem with her not owning up, accepting and maybe even apologising for the emotional/physical affair. I could never do that to another person. Appreciate the advice though

So you either split now before it gets nasty and more toxic, so you can put your child first and focus on coparenting them, or you can stay together and end up splitting further down the line but almost definitely sacrifice the chance of being able to stay on good terms and coparent successfully.

@ErickBroch

WTF is this present which is so sentimental but requires a DIY expert?

It doesn’t require a diy expert at all that’s exactly my point. I can build it, I’d have loved to build it yet she chose the guy at work to build it and I rightly or wrongly think he’s offered to help for the wrong reasons. It’s also spoilt the gift for me now as well to be honest

Her sleeping with someone days after we split would be gutting, YANBU. Technically she didnt do anything wrong but in reality anyone would be destroyed by that.

The building thing, also YANBU. I totally see what you mean.

It is totally understandable that you are on edge and trust has not built up again yet. You can give it a bit more time. Long term maybe the trust will never come back and then you'd have to rethink. But for now, you are raw from a bad time and a lot of hurt, so don't judge yourself for feeling this way. Give it time.

Is this a gift from you as well? If so, can't you just say to your wife that you were intending to build it for your child?

@CrazyToast

Her sleeping with someone days after we split would be gutting, YANBU. Technically she didnt do anything wrong but in reality anyone would be destroyed by that.

The building thing, also YANBU. I totally see what you mean.

It is totally understandable that you are on edge and trust has not built up again yet. You can give it a bit more time. Long term maybe the trust will never come back and then you'd have to rethink. But for now, you are raw from a bad time and a lot of hurt, so don't judge yourself for feeling this way. Give it time.

Thanks for your response I thought i was going mad as nobody had really acknowledged that so I appreciate it. I didn’t get chance to say I would build it as she had already taken up the offer. We had talked about building it together but she obviously changed her mind after getting the kind offer from the guy who knows nothing about me

If this is how you behave, I hope she leaves you.

It's no good for anyone.

@Eifhsg

If this is how you behave, I hope she leaves you.

It's no good for anyone.

Thank you that’s really kind and supportive.

Sorry you obviously do not trust her, which I understand, she said she didn’t sleep with him until you broke up and we can only go by that, although hurtful it was probably a rebound.

You speak about the break up like it’s mostly her fault hoping she’s learnt the ‘grass isn’t greener’ and she said you were too laid back. You both obviously have lessons to learn.

Did you both discuss what each of you could have done for the other for the relationship to last?

You keep saying she’s asked or getting the other man to build the gift, he offered, he probably thought he was being kind and helpful, she didn’t ask, it probably came up! For all we know this man is happily married with kids himself! Frankly it’s coming across as ‘I’m the man, I build things for the family’ 🙄

Just tell her you will build it as you were really looking forward to it. Review your relationship in the new year, if you continue to question each interaction she has she will leave you.