AIBU Work Friend

[Elan76]

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet but have found the forums really helpful over the past 12 months and would appreciate some advice.

I’m back with my partner after an acrimonious breakup 12 months ago where she ended up with another guy very soon after we split. We have started to see each other again about 2 months ago and things were going well.
We have two children 7 & 4. She mentioned that a guy at work had offered to help build the four year olds Christmas present (facilities guy so good at diy) I did say I didn’t think it was right that someone else should build the present as it’s for our child and now my mind is racing with loads of questions.
How did he know about the present? The box was in her car but how did he know about it
Is this guy single and what are his intentions?
Was it wrong for her to ask him
Are we going down the same path as 12 months ago where she struck up a friendship that ultimately led to us splitting
Or am I just being insecure?
Thanks

Of course it was an affair: ‘Not Just Friends’. ‘Friendship’ not disclosed to OP etc. Doesn’t bode at all well that this has been denied etc

The thing is, you've agreed to try again/taken her back KNOWING all the events of the past year.

You can't keep mulling over it and throwing stuff in her face and making accusations otherwise she'd be an idiot to stay with you. I agree with a PP who said you appear to have pushed to re-start the relationship purely so that you can punish your partner in some way and make her suffer for daring to leave you.

I also do have a problem with her not owning up, accepting and maybe even apologising for the emotional/physical affair.

She has no need to. You'd split up because you were arguing for months. She doesn't need to apologise for sleeping with another man once she was single. But I don't think you're going to be able to let this go.

I think you need to break up.

I usually really hate it, when people pull the, “bet this would be different if genders revered” line. This is the first time I’ve done it myself.

I’ve been on MN Relationships for years... a man gets together with a friend immediately after a split, posters always say: affair. Why are people here jumping to say, “you were on a break?”

Most likely, your wife had an affair.
She hasn’t acknowledged this.
Even if I’m wrong - she has refused to go to counselling to deal with this.

Look, I think you’re weird to talk about it being wrong to have a toy in your house put together by another man... that’s just stupid.

But - I think all the alarm bells are ringing for the right reason. She left you, twice. Whether or not she had an affair. Yet she isn’t committed enough to you now, to attend counselling to work on all the problems.

I think she’s taking the piss, and fucking with your head. I don’t see any future in this.

@Cocomarine

I usually really hate it, when people pull the, “bet this would be different if genders revered” line. This is the first time I’ve done it myself.

I’ve been on MN Relationships for years... a man gets together with a friend immediately after a split, posters always say: affair. Why are people here jumping to say, “you were on a break?”

Most likely, your wife had an affair.
She hasn’t acknowledged this.
Even if I’m wrong - she has refused to go to counselling to deal with this.

Look, I think you’re weird to talk about it being wrong to have a toy in your house put together by another man... that’s just stupid.

But - I think all the alarm bells are ringing for the right reason. She left you, twice. Whether or not she had an affair. Yet she isn’t committed enough to you now, to attend counselling to work on all the problems.

I think she’s taking the piss, and fucking with your head. I don’t see any future in this.

Yeah, thanks I think you’re probably right. It’s really hard as I do love her and our children but it has turned me into someone I never was and not in a positive way. I also think the arguments only really started in the last eight months as that was when he appeared on the scene. I actually remember her saying that this guy had spoken to her but as I was then I didn’t even give it a second thought as I was trusting and never one to spy or control or anything like that. It’s amazing how matters of the heart can grip you like they have me for the past 12 months. I guess the insecurity is making me question how innocent this interaction is which is really unhealthy I know but it’s tough not to think like that given what’s happened. If he was happily married and we were further down the line of course I’d feel differently but we aren’t and I’m sure we will find he is single going forward. It’s nothing about me being the man of the house - I really really really love my children and I’ve been deprived of them a fair bit over the past 12 months after what happened so I guess I just wanted this Christmas to be magical with me building all the presents I’ve built another two for him and loved doing it but I feel miffed now that another guy has built the main one and that will be in the house. As I’m writing that I understand it appears stupid but i can’t help how I feel. I’d love to know the reaction if I had done that with one if the presents I had built and given it to a girl from work to build - she would not be happy. Also in my eyes it as an affair 100 % possibly before the breakup, definitely within a few days of her leaving the house she’s admitted to that. I really thought counselling would have worked 12 months ago but she didn’t want to go - fairly obvious why now but I also think it would help now but I think bottom line she doesn’t want to acknowledge the affair so won’t go

There’s a book people recommend on here a lot, I haven’t read it, but take a look and see if it fits your situation.

www.amazon.co.uk/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=not+just+friends+shirley+glass&sprefix=not+just+fr&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1608046954&sr=8-1

Even if nothing physical happened (which I doubt, and every thread I’ve seen on here except this one doubts!) then I do not believe you go from nothing to a relationship without at the very least an emotional affair.

If she refuses to consider that, with counselling, then she is putting NOTHING into fixing this - and it will never work.

Forget this Xmas present build - it’s a not going to help you arguing over whether it’s right or wrong to have a friend / colleague help or not.

This is all down to the fact that you believe she cheated on you, and she has made no effort to address that. Even if she didn’t cheat, she should acknowledge that the circumstances are all still such that it’s reasonable enough that you should need reassurance of that.

Oh I don't doubt that his insecurity has a basis, it's just it's no good for anybody behaving like this. Huge mistake getting back together knowing she got with someone else and suspecting it began before, then tearing yourself apart policing, checking up and analysing every interaction with the opposite sex. It would be the same advice from me whichever way round - it's so so bad for your mental health to live without trust, you drive yourself bonkers and it turns the relationship toxic.

She said she didn’t cheat - leaving a 9 year relationship with two children and sleeping with a guy within days of leaving the family home is sort of cheating to me. She had also been friends with this guy for quite a few months before the actual split (unbeknown to me) and he had helped her with the move and I’m sure been a shoulder to cry on - Would you call that an affair?

She chose to cheat on you with this guy.....probably created arguments to end your relationship.
The grass wasn't greener on the other side.....and you're better than her being single.......
and she is still keeping her options open.....

Seeing as its YOUR child - how about you just assert yourself and say you're building it and that it?
What possessed you to take her back soon as she got dumped by the other guy?
She's gonna do it again......

I'd think it was odd if a man at my work offered to build something for my children when he knows I have a partner if I couldn't do it myself. Surely he would assume my partner would want to build his child's present? I think that's weird.

@monkeymonkey2010

She said she didn’t cheat - leaving a 9 year relationship with two children and sleeping with a guy within days of leaving the family home is sort of cheating to me. She had also been friends with this guy for quite a few months before the actual split (unbeknown to me) and he had helped her with the move and I’m sure been a shoulder to cry on - Would you call that an affair?

She chose to cheat on you with this guy.....probably created arguments to end your relationship.
The grass wasn't greener on the other side.....and you're better than her being single.......
and she is still keeping her options open.....

Seeing as its YOUR child - how about you just assert yourself and say you're building it and that it?
What possessed you to take her back soon as she got dumped by the other guy?
She's gonna do it again......

Because I’m a good person and try and see in the best in people. I honestly thought she would have learnt from the experience and maybe put more value on a happy family environment. Maybe this time it is innocent but if he’s another good looking guy who goes to the gym and it’s more than friends then I’ll be pretty gutted. Hopefully not. It didn’t turn out so well with the grass is greener guy when he showed his true colours either which I must admit felt quite satisfying

@Bitcherama

I'd think it was odd if a man at my work offered to build something for my children when he knows I have a partner if I couldn't do it myself. Surely he would assume my partner would want to build his child's present? I think that's weird.

Thank you. That is exactly how I feel about the situation. The problem is... I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know about me as she said they don’t discuss relationships.. she thinks he may be in one but she’s not sure... Rolls eyes

@Bitcherama

I'd think it was odd if a man at my work offered to build something for my children when he knows I have a partner if I couldn't do it myself. Surely he would assume my partner would want to build his child's present? I think that's weird.

Because that guy is trying to win favours. He fancies her! Men do not help that much for nothing. She might have not told him you were back or he might think you arent serious.

What do you want her to do - go round telling every bloke she speaks to "I have a partner you know" with every breath?

You don't trust her. You have your reasons but you got back together.

You need to work out a way forward if you're going to stay together that doesn't mean analysing her every interaction with other men and acting controlling and paranoid.

@category12

What do you want her to do - go round telling every bloke she speaks to "I have a partner you know" with every breath?

You don't trust her. You have your reasons but you got back together.

You need to work out a way forward if you're going to stay together that doesn't mean analysing her every interaction with other men and acting controlling and paranoid.

Yes I agree with you and I hoped joint counselling might help with but she’s not interested in that. I do think it’s a very odd thing for her to ask another guy to do or for him to offer to do it though! I’d never ask someone else

Whatever happened in the past needs to stay there. A relationship is nothing without trust. You will drive yourself (and her) crazy. Whatever the truths of whether she had an affair or not, ultimately if she is going to cheat nothing you say or do will change that.

I’m going to attempt to to speak to her about it all tomorrow and explain how I feel. I don’t want to put the children through any more upheaval so if we can’t agree on what are acceptable boundaries for both of us then I guess it’s time to move on.

So your plan is to "set boundaries" for her.
If you don't see how fucked up and hopeless that is..

The purpose of boundaries is to have your own. Not to try to impose them on others.

I intend to talk to her about what I think are acceptable boundaries for both of us. I want someone I can believe in and trust so I won’t be setting anything I’ll be explaining what I think is the right way in a relationship and the wrong way. What I definitely won’t be putting up with is another friend that she goes running too as soon as we have a cross word or falling out. If she wants that type of thing that’s fine and her choice but I deserve so much better than that. I’m a good guy.. loving caring.. open.. bit insecure at the moment I accept but who’s fault is that! I’m not going to live my life in turmoil. Either be decent... or go for the grass is greener option permanently

@Elan76, I completely empathise with your feeling of having been betrayed when she ended up in bed with this other guy just a few days after your breakup. It is quite possible that her desire for him was the source of the problem all along, and that she provoked the arguments with you so that she could be with him whilst avoiding feelings of guilt by giving herself a way to blame you for the relationship breakdown.

Regarding what kind of relationship you would need going forward in order to continue with her, I wonder whether it mightn’t be more effective if you express it to her in terms of your own needs, not an objective moral standard that separates the good from the bad. A lot of people may happen to share similar needs, and I am one of them, but I believe it is both more powerful and less judgemental to “own” it as one’s personal truth

If you tell her “fidelity and commitment is the right and decent way to have a relationship, and doing otherwise is the wrong way,” then she may just feel controlled and judged and put down and belittled. That is unlikely to get a good result for anyone.

If, on the other hand, if you tell her something more like “I need to be in a relationship that includes fidelity and commitment from both partners in order to feel secure and loved,” and just see what she says, that might work better. If she avoids the topic then follow up questions like “how would you feel about that?” Or more directly “Would you like to share that kind of relationship with me?” might start to elicit the information you seek.

Of course, the proof will be in the pudding, and if she says that is what she wants but then does not behave accordingly, you will need to listen to her actions, not to her words.

[quote YankeeDad]@Elan76, I completely empathise with your feeling of having been betrayed when she ended up in bed with this other guy just a few days after your breakup. It is quite possible that her desire for him was the source of the problem all along, and that she provoked the arguments with you so that she could be with him whilst avoiding feelings of guilt by giving herself a way to blame you for the relationship breakdown.

Regarding what kind of relationship you would need going forward in order to continue with her, I wonder whether it mightn’t be more effective if you express it to her in terms of your own needs, not an objective moral standard that separates the good from the bad. A lot of people may happen to share similar needs, and I am one of them, but I believe it is both more powerful and less judgemental to “own” it as one’s personal truth

If you tell her “fidelity and commitment is the right and decent way to have a relationship, and doing otherwise is the wrong way,” then she may just feel controlled and judged and put down and belittled. That is unlikely to get a good result for anyone.

If, on the other hand, if you tell her something more like “I need to be in a relationship that includes fidelity and commitment from both partners in order to feel secure and loved,” and just see what she says, that might work better. If she avoids the topic then follow up questions like “how would you feel about that?” Or more directly “Would you like to share that kind of relationship with me?” might start to elicit the information you seek.

Of course, the proof will be in the pudding, and if she says that is what she wants but then does not behave accordingly, you will need to listen to her actions, not to her words.[/quote]
Thanks so much for your response. I can see what you are saying and how my approach may come across. I will try the way you have suggested so thank you for your advice.