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Original poster

If your DP suggested this, would you be offended?

90 replies

TotallyandutterlyMULLED · 14/12/2020 14:56

Hi,

I'll try and keep this brief. Just wanting some outside opinions...

DP WFH, FT. I'm currently not working. We have DC and I do pretty much all things house and child care related, although DP does cook a couple of times a week. I think this is fair enough. Seems a good balance for us.

Anyway, DP comes out of the bathroom after a bath over the weekend and says, "I think we should get a cleaner". I said, no and that I felt it would look ridiculous given I don't work (no offence meant to those who don't work and have a cleaner!) and that it would make me look lazy.

I then asked why and DP said there was dust round the corners, near the skirting and round the windows. I said I was offended that they think we need a cleaner, but DP just kept saying, if we can afford it, why not? So not directly having a go, but inadvertently...having a go.

I then felt I needed to up my game and started going over areas in the kitchen I'd already gone over, before getting quite cross and thinking, hang on a minute, no. Just because I don't work, does that mean everywhere should be gleaming without a spec of dust anywhere?! Am I failing? Should I be cleaning to a professional level?! Hmm

I just don't know if I'm being silly here....

What do you think?

OP posts:
wewillmeetagain · 14/12/2020 14:58

I'd tell him it was fine, as long as he pays!

Original poster
TotallyandutterlyMULLED · 14/12/2020 14:59

Well DPs the only earner, so that would be the only way! Grin

OP posts:
FPS123 · 14/12/2020 15:00

I’d bite his hand off!

naomi81 · 14/12/2020 15:01

Lol I dream of this scenario 🤣

MangoBiscuit · 14/12/2020 15:01

I think you might be over thinking this. Maybe your DP has different standards to you, lots of couples do. He didn't start by saying "Oi you've missed loads, do a proper job!" or similar, he's just suggested paying someone to do a bit of it for you both. Perhaps he's assuming that you don't have time to do all the little fiddly bits too, seeing as you're busy looking after the DC.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/12/2020 15:01

I wouldn’t think he was “having a go”
The suggestion to get a cleaner means he recognises you already work hard enough as is and it would be unreasonable of him to expect you to clean to professional level without outside help.
He’s not unreasonable to have a higher standard of cleanliness, since he’s willing to get a cleaner to top up what you can do. He’s not criticising the job you do, he’s recognising you already work full time housekeeping and with child care.
I wouldn’t think it would make you appear lazy to be a SAHM and have a cleaner perhaps that is an insecurity you have? To me it would just mean you can afford a cleaner and think freeing up time to spend with your DC is more important than putting them in front of a screen while you wash the walls.

Shinysilverlamp · 14/12/2020 15:02

If your DP is expecting a spotless home and he is happy to pay a cleaner to achieve that, then I’d tell him to go ahead. Don’t be stressing over cleaning more and more, do what you’re comfortable doing and if DP expects more then he can either help out or pay for a cleaner.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 15:02

I think you’re being a bit sensitive.

yearinyearout · 14/12/2020 15:02

I can understand you getting pissed off. My DH has made similar comments in the past and I've told him if he has issues with dust in particular places then he can take over as dust monitor and keep those bits up to scratch!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/12/2020 15:02

Why not suggest a monthly deep clean? The you can carry on with the usually weekly/daily cleans. Monthly cleaner can - clean all skirting boards, inside windows, internal doors, vacuum mattresses, that sort thing (the less frequent jobs).

Pechanga · 14/12/2020 15:05

If he'd come to you and said....look, you don't bring in any money, the house is your job but you aren't cleaning up to my standard, you need to work harder and clean better then that would be rude!

But he didn't, he offered to pay for a cleaner to help you.

Sounds like a winner to me Grin

user1493413286 · 14/12/2020 15:05

You know your DP better than me but if my DH said this then I wouldn’t take it as an insult and I’d think that he could see how busy I am to clean more. I’m on maternity leave and also have a toddler and we have a cleaner every fortnight. The plan was to stop her coming once I was on my feet after DS was born but during the first lockdown DH suggested we keep her as he could see how hard work it was to keep on top of things with both DC. I see it as a little luxury at what is a particularly hard time to be at home with 2 small children.

OchonAgusOchonO · 14/12/2020 15:06

@yearinyearout

I can understand you getting pissed off. My DH has made similar comments in the past and I've told him if he has issues with dust in particular places then he can take over as dust monitor and keep those bits up to scratch!
he can take over as dust monitor and keep those bits up to scratch!

But that's what her dh is doing. He just wants to outsource the actual cleaning bit.

OP - I think you are definitely being over sensitive. I worked part-time for years in order to spend more time with the kids. That was more important to us than me spending the time I wasn't working cleaning so we had a cleaner to do a weekly clean.

Original poster
TotallyandutterlyMULLED · 14/12/2020 15:07

Hmm ok. Maybe I am being a bit sensitive.

@PlanDeRaccordement, yes, I probably do have some insecurities actually. I would hate to think people might think I was spoilt and lazy. Tbh, I already feel like that with not working. I always feel I need to explain to people the reasons why I'm not Confused

So, yes....possibly me just being silly.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz, that could be a good compromise I suppose.

OP posts:
wimhoffbreather · 14/12/2020 15:11

Lol I wouldn’t take it as an insult at all! I’d be overjoyed and be asking if I could ask someone to come this week. Why clean if you’re happy to pay someone else to do it

Fauvist · 14/12/2020 15:11

I would not be offended. I would be delighted to have less cleaning to do.

wimhoffbreather · 14/12/2020 15:12

And Christ I could not give a flying shit if people thought I was lazy. Maybe that means I am Grin

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/12/2020 15:13

To be fair there will always be a nasty mum that will think you are lazy when she is really just jealous that you can afford a cleaner. Too, I think we women are raised with the expectation that these “wife work” things shouldn’t be outsourced. That somehow we are a “bad wife” if we don’t do them ourselves. Just leave all that behind. Since you can afford a cleaner, why not get one? Even if you had no children and it meant you could do yoga all day or paint pictures or watch birds, so what? Life is for enjoyment and if you don’t have to do the drudgery bits, why do them?

theresagiantonthebeach · 14/12/2020 15:16

Actually I would be offended. .and though I don't really like cleaning. I woukd hate having a cleaner more

Original poster
TotallyandutterlyMULLED · 14/12/2020 15:18

@PlanDeRaccordement, wow, really? Smile I would have thought most people would think that was wrong somehow. But there you go again - caring too much what others think Confused

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 14/12/2020 15:20

I then felt I needed to up my game and started going over areas in the kitchen I'd already gone over, before getting quite cross and thinking, hang on a minute, no. Just because I don't work, does that mean everywhere should be gleaming without a spec of dust anywhere?! Am I failing? Should I be cleaning to a professional level?! hmm

But isn't that exactly what he's saying - that no, you don't have to clean to a professional level just because you don't work, but that it would still be nice to have a house that was that clean so why not pay for it? He hasn't suggested at any point that you do it yourself, that was entirely from you.

wimhoffbreather · 14/12/2020 15:21

@theresagiantonthebeach you’d hate having a cleaner?!?!

Maybe I really am a lazy so and so Grin

MynephewR · 14/12/2020 15:21

God I'd be delighted! But we don't have a cleaner because we can't afford one, if we could then I'd be booking one long before DH suggested it 😂

I think you are being a bit sensitive tbh. Maybe he just has different standards to you, and that's fine. I don't think he was rude in what he said.

lakesideadvent · 14/12/2020 15:22

For a few years I lived somewhere where I didn't work and we had live in staff.
It was bliss once I got used to it.

There is no particular virtue in dusting your own skirting boards and depriving someone else of an economic opportunity.

NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 14/12/2020 15:25

If you dont want a cleaner I will!

I dont think he was being rude, honestly. He would like the dust gone but realises you are busy (or he doesnt dare tell you haha either way who cares) so he suggests a cleaner. IDEAL. Bite his hand off!

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