Does your partner care about your physical safety?

[Whydothedo]

I'm single after what I think was a (at best) toxic relationship.

I'm 30 and he was 40. One of the things that left me questioning his love for me was that I never felt like he particularly cared about my physical safety (towards the end he purposely physically intimidated me so logically I know this may be true, but it's still on my mind) - for example if I said I'd be home by 6 but still wasn't come by 8, he'd never text to see if I was OK. He was always happy for me to walk in the dark alone, no matter if it was in a place I didn't know/a dodgy part of town etc.

When my car broke down and I was on my own for five hours, he didn't offer to come and wait with me. He never really said 'Be careful' or 'Let me know you get home safe' without it seeming forced. After once jokingly texting 'I'm home now... but thanks for making sure I wasn't in a ditch somewhere!' his response was 'If you were dead in a ditch, me texting to see if you were OK would have been pointless anyway 😉'.

I'm an independent person, I have my own hobbies/friends etc. but is it normal to have a BF/husband who is like this? We had a conversation about my feelings once and he said 'I think you're paranoid about life' and 'If I ever thought you were in real danger, I'd say something'.

Is this normal?

It sounds like you want someone to check up on you more often ?
But you said you’re an independent person too - so no I wouldn’t expect a boyfriend to ask if I was ok to walk in the dark. He probably knows you are capable of making the right decision and if you need any help you will ask for it .

He absolutely does. I care equally about his.

Some of your examples of what you wanted from him though sound more like things a parent would say, not a partner or spouse. I make my own decisions about where to walk and when. If I was running two hours late I’d let him know instead of waiting for him to check up on me.

My partner will message me after a long drive to check i got there okay but apart from that not really. I think he knows that if I were in trouble and needed help I would contact him

My partner Cates but I'd find it over bearing of he text me for not being home on time. I'm not a teenager with a curfew!

I think it sounds like you wanted him to behave in a way that doesn't come naturally to him which is a sign of incompatibility but not an obvious red flag on its own. I'm guessing there were other things that make you think this.

He's an ex now so no point dwelling on this. Be kind to yourself and make sure the next guy is better match for you.

Lol, no, I would not expect this from a partner. I don't think you are as independent as you think you are. Really would bug me if someone, kept checking if I was ok after living on my own for years I think I can handle situations as well as anyone. Not sure why you need that sort of communication, but it's your need, not a problem with him.
As far as walking in dodgy dark areas goes, well, it's up to you to assess and care for your own welfare, if you assess things like that as risky, don't do them. Odd post, odd attitude you have there really in my book.

It seems like you were looking for more of a father than a partner. My dh wouldn't tell me where I could go at night and I would message him if I was late, not the other way round.

I wouldn't expect my dp to check up on me, in fact it would annoy me if he did, I would contact him if I needed assistance (and he would come) but I would not want him to offer, I'm not in need of help or protection even if I break down in the countryside etc. I suppose we are all different but I want a partner not a protector

We both share when we expect to be home and if I was 2 hours later than I said I would be home, he’d text me to see if I’d been held up. It’s not a curfew, as we state when we expect to be home not the other person saying to be home at this time. It’s a common courtesy to let people know when to expect you. I do the same when I would travel to see my mum, “we’re leaving now, probably be about 4 hours but I’ll let you know if we get stuck in traffic”. My mum would also do the same when visiting me.

If either of us do a long drive, we ask the other to let us know when they get safe. I do longer drives more frequently than DH when I go to our HQ and I sometimes forget because I’m trying to rush into the office. He’ll text me and ask if I got to our HQ ok, I’ll apologise and tell him I got there fine.we met at uni and I worked in a stadium and he would walk to meet me in the winter so I wasn’t walking home in the dark but that was because of the area and I asked him to. If I want to walk alone at night, he doesn’t question my judgement but if I ask for company, he will come with me.

When my work vehicle broke down, I asked if he’d come pick me up from the garage in town, which meant him going home by train to get the car and come get me. He’d have probably offered but I will ask for help if I need it.

“Some of your examples of what you wanted from him though sound more like things a parent would say, not a partner or spouse. I make my own decisions about where to walk and when. If I was running two hours late I’d let him know instead of waiting for him to check up on me.”

Same goes for me.

OP, you might have been particularly sensitive about this because of other worries in the relationship, I suppose--kind of a test of his caring.

But no, I wouldn't expect this from my husband. Maybe "text me when you get to X after an 8-hour drive," but not on any regular basis. If he did it all the time it would drive me up the wall.

I would expect some of the things that you have highlighted from a good partner. I don't think it's unreasonable to think someone might be worried about my welfare if I didn't come back when I said that I would. My ex had a fight in a chip shop once because someone jumped the queue but he was happy to laugh at me when a really drunk guy tried to harass me and was escorted out by the police. He also used to get arsy when he needed to walk the dog at night in the local park and essentially made me feel guilty asking him to do it. It was a local hotspot for druggies and a random guy that I didn't even know told me that he had called the police to check on my welfare once as there was some intimidating people there. I told my husband and he didn't even register the irony. He also used to play fight with me but looking back it was a way of showing that he could over power me.

In essence, I don't think that what you are asking for is unreasonable. I would want to believe that the man I was with cared about my safety.

I'd find it a bit patronising and smothering to be asked those sort of things.

Dh and I care equally about each other's safety. We send texts when we arrive after a long journey (especially at night or far away). We work at home together so don't often go anywhere with a set home time but if I'd popped to the shops for a pint of milk and didn't come home for 3 hours he'd probably text to see if I was okay and vice versa. It works for us and I love that he's very caring of me. Lots of people like being looked after and knowing that their partner wants to know they're okay. It doesn't have to be overbearing or controlling to know where you are but many people would feel claustrophobic if their partner checked on them like that. Different strokes for different folks

Wouldn't cross my dh mind to say anything of those things! But I do suspect he has aspergers. I know he does care about me deeply though. Just doesn't use the 'typical' ways of showing it. My poor mum bless her heart was overbearing and overprotective with me though and it made me doubt my capabilities to handle my own safety. Although she didn't mean to make me feel that way bless her cottons. So in a way its nice by husband does 'trust' me to get to work in the snow for example.

Maybe as a pp said, you're not as independent asbyou think you are. Inwouldnt get irritated if mynpartner was checking up on me and baying me all the time.

We do care about each other’s safety but it’s more that the one who is late updates the other rather than the one who is home checking up on the one who is late. Or, if one of us decides we need help from the other, we just ask for said help, we don’t wait to be offered help.

You say you are independent, but given your examples I don’t think you really are because you want to be checked on and you want constant offers of help.

If I were your partner, and you said you were an independent person that would tell me you don’t need and don’t want to be checked on/monitored or babysat. So, I think in future you need to communicate with your partner that for you, being checked on and such shows caring and love. There is nothing wrong with having this need, and liking this kind of attention. You just need to own it and be honest.

I find the responses surprising as if I was home two hours late without letting DH know then I’d be really surprised if he hadn’t called to check I was ok. He will come and get me from places late at night so I don’t have to walk home in the dark by myself. I don’t see any of the things he does as smothering it’s just him caring about my safety.

Yes, we both would want to check on each others safety despite both being very independent! If he's driving home in the dark from working a long way away I'll usually text "drive safe" etc. I wouldn't want him to tell me not to walk in a dark/secluded place though as I'd expect to make my own decisions on that. I guess if it were somewhere he knew about and I didn't eg he used to live in London so would know areas better than me - he might comment but more in an information way rather than telling me what to do.

I think there's a balance between making it clear you care about each others physical wellbeing and being controlling about it under the guise of being concerned.

This is what finally made me realise that my marriage was over; my husband took no interest at all when I lost my purse and was stranded in town with no way home. In the end a taxi driver agreed to drive me home, trusting that I would find a way to pay him. I thought then that if a stranger was more concerned and caring than my own husband then he could get to fuck!

Yes, my DH is a bit fretty about my safety at times, but it manifests iteself in helpful ways. Filling up my screen wash, checking my car tyres. If I'm walking with a friend in winter he'll put a sleeping back and shovel in the back of car without being asked. It is sweet. I worry about him too, but we both try to keep it reasonable. If he is later back in winter I do worry about icy roads and accidents, as he does for me. We will both text each other to keep each other in the loop - we are very independent in doing different activities etc, but regularly check in on each other, to be reassured all is well.

@Shoxfordian

It seems like you were looking for more of a father than a partner. My dh wouldn't tell me where I could go at night and I would message him if I was late, not the other way round.

This.

I would find what you want from him... Really irritating, controlling and overbearing. I want a partner who respects my ability to go wherever the fuck I like as an adult and make my own risk assessments.

I mean, maybe this was just one small thing you've latched onto in a string of other small ways you felt he didn't value you, but you do seem to want a daddy more than a partner, and I wouldn't really call that "independent".

I'm kind of on the fence. As an adult, I would find it infantalising if a partner tried to stop or dissuade me from walking anywhere - unless I was visiting them in a different city and didn't know the dodgy areas, kind of thing.

Waiting for a breakdown service... Hm. If a partner called me and said they'd broken down, I'd offer to go wait with them, presuming I wasn't at work or had childcare issues. But it would be to bring them a hot drink and food and some company, not out of concern for their safety. (Of course if they called and said "I don't feel safe" then I would be concerned and would go straight away.)

Not checking on you bring 2hrs late is odd to me though. But for manners! Not safety concerns. Did you message him at any point to say "sorry running late because X"?

I notice with my mum she will expect one of my sisters to send a message to say she was home safely after a visit, but she doesn't expect it of the others and would certainly never call to see if we got home ok.

@HeadNorth

Yes, my DH is a bit fretty about my safety at times, but it manifests iteself in helpful ways. Filling up my screen wash, checking my car tyres. If I'm walking with a friend in winter he'll put a sleeping back and shovel in the back of car without being asked. It is sweet. I worry about him too, but we both try to keep it reasonable. If he is later back in winter I do worry about icy roads and accidents, as he does for me. We will both text each other to keep each other in the loop - we are very independent in doing different activities etc, but regularly check in on each other, to be reassured all is well.

I wish someone would fill up my screen wash and check my tyres etc

I think it's about a middle ground. I am ridiculously independent, quite often of DP or I are popping to the shops we just say see you later without thinking to mention where or how long. Generally if he is home he knows I enjoy picking up DC (after long work hours in the past where I couldn't) but he will double check if it is near the time and I haven't appeared.

We don't answer to each other really about our whereabouts (it does also mean neither of us expect the other to cook for them). So no it wouldn't occur to him to check on me because he knows I can handle most things by myself.

Having said that he knows my routine. If I generally walk through the door at 4pm and I haven't appeared by 6 he would check on me.

If I take the dog for a walk and he knows it's a short walk he will ring me if I haven't appeared after an hour. That is only though if my routine changes and there is a reason to be concerned.

It wouldn't cross his mind to challenge me walking in the dark as he knows some of the hairy situations I have been in professionally so more feels sorry for the other person if they cross me.

There have been times when he has been protective , I was seriously ill a few years ago and then I couldn't sneeze without him checking on me (understandable as he had gone away to work and when he rang my phone a paramedic answered it....he nearly had a heart attack himself bless him)

If you are capable and independent why do you need him checking on you?