Page 2 | Does your partner care about your physical safety?

EarthSight · 14/12/2020 14:55

@growinggreyer

This is what finally made me realise that my marriage was over; my husband took no interest at all when I lost my purse and was stranded in town with no way home. In the end a taxi driver agreed to drive me home, trusting that I would find a way to pay him. I thought then that if a stranger was more concerned and caring than my own husband then he could get to fuck!

That's fucking awful.

Wiredforsound · 14/12/2020 15:17

If my DP was checking up on me every 5 minutes I’d think him controlling. I’m a grown adult woman. If I need help from him I’d just give him a ring.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2020 15:18

I'm a bit surprised by some of these replies.

If I said I'd be back at 6 and still wasn't home by 8 and hadn't let him know of a change of plan, DH would be climbing the walls with worry (and vice versa). He also persuaded me to have a mobile phone (way back when they were still 'new') so that if I had car trouble I could call him.

So no, I don't find his behaviour normal at all.

Nore · 14/12/2020 15:20

@Dery

“Some of your examples of what you wanted from him though sound more like things a parent would say, not a partner or spouse. I make my own decisions about where to walk and when. If I was running two hours late I’d let him know instead of waiting for him to check up on me.”

Same goes for me.

This, pretty much. I would be baffled and irritated by someone continually checking up on me, or making judgements about where he thought I was unsafe.

It sounds to me as if the way he intimidated you physically at the end of your relationship is colouring your attitude to earlier on.

lawandgin · 14/12/2020 15:24

I initially thought OP's points were reasonable and normal. Having read all the replies, I am now questioning myself.

LindaEllen · 14/12/2020 15:33

There's a difference between not caring and not checking up.

DP doesn't say 'be careful' every time I drive, but quite clearly he cares and wouldn't want me to crash and be injured.

wobblywinelover · 14/12/2020 15:39

I think it should be normal for your partner to show that they care and i'm suprised by some of the condescending replies on here saying that you are looking for a father figure rather than a partner OP. I think it's basic human decency to look out for people to make sure they are safe and it can be done in a way which isn't controlling.

I dumped a fella who didn't seem to care. I'm a bit of an airhead so often got lost when I drove to his area and he never once seemed to care if i'd got home safely. The icing on the cake was when I missed a train in a city an hour away from home, late at night. I told him and he just replied 'lol'. I ended it after that. It shows lack of compassion and thoughtfulness.

FourPlatinumRings · 14/12/2020 15:44

Mine texts or calls to ask if I'm OK if he doesn't know where I am when he gets home from work. If I've told him I'm going out he doesn't tend to, to though I imagine he would if it got really late.

JurassicParkAha · 14/12/2020 15:49

It's normal to worry if someone hasn't arrived 2 hours after they said they would! Bloody hell, would you really want your partner (or friend or family member) to have been in an accident, bleeding out, because you couldn't be arsed to check in with them???

I sometimes think people who don't care about anyone's safety (and i don't mean constant updates or being smothering), are people who seem to think accidents only happen to other people, or on TV.

I did have one bf who it never occurred to, until I explained that even though I'm independent and confident, I wasn't immune to being attacked when travelling home at midnight - so he should check in to make sure I was ok. It's called caring. But he just didn't have that consideration for anyone, not even his elderly parents, living alone in a secluded area susceptible to burglaries. That's why the relationship ended.

I had another bf who worked in the police so would ask me to let him know when I get somewhere if the weather was bad, it was very late or I was travelling a long distance. It was refreshing and shows such people do exist, and it is normal.

category12 · 14/12/2020 15:52

! Bloody hell, would you really want your partner (or friend or family member) to have been in an accident, bleeding out, because you couldn't be arsed to check in with them???

How does checking in with them stop them bleeding out in an accident?

JurassicParkAha · 14/12/2020 15:58

@category12

It could mean you'd know sooner rather than later they needed help, or were with emergency services. Or would know that something was amiss if they weren't answering - and could take steps to find out what was going on. The difference sometimes between life and death is a few hours.

Mostly it's the psychological (and not rational) grief response you'd have if something horrible did happen, that you weren't even worried or thinking about them when they needed someone. And were all alone.

category12 · 14/12/2020 16:05

So that's not for them really, it's for your own sake.

category12 · 14/12/2020 16:06

It's really unlikely if someone doesn't answer, you're going to go straight to ambulance or police, isn't it?

MoanerLizzie · 14/12/2020 16:14

I think that reasonable people differ on this and by itself that doesn't mean they don't care.

I will risk potential outage and say that I suspect men are less likely to actually viscerally understand why it might be risky to walk alone in the dark in certain areas than other women and so it may be less likely to cross their minds to worry. They're also rarely told by the police and society in general to be 'careful walking alone' or advised not to do so when violent incidents have happened in the local area so, again, less on their radar perhaps. Does your partner have daughters? If not, I'd say that goes double!

If he's otherwise kind and caring, I do think this is just normal variation or a bit of benign thoughtlessness in a partner. Obviously not applicable to your ex by the sounds of it.

JurassicParkAha · 14/12/2020 16:15

@category12 Erm no, because if you have realised 2 hours later your partner isn't home and isn't answering, and do discover they were in an accident, and manage to get help to them OR if they're with emergency services and you have the chance to rush to the hospital to be with them - I think you'd be helping them.

I had a colleague who was late to work by 3 hours - totally unlike her. Not answering calls. They know she lived alone. Someone went over to her place to check, noticed lights on but no one responding. Got in through the window, and saw she had slipped in the bath and knocked herself out/ugly head wound. If no one had taken the initiative to check, it could have been fatal.

And of course, it's also for you - that's why people care. Because they want to know they've done everything they could to let people in their life feel re-assured someone will notice when they're in trouble. Everyone benefits.

Teaanddimebars · 14/12/2020 16:16

My DH always would check in on me, offer to pick up me etc in those situations. That is important to me and I check on him in the same way, always text him to remind him to drive carefully if weather is bad/let him know if there has been an accident on one of his roads home etc.

Having him be protective is important to me though. My parents were not remotely protective of my physical safety growing up (to the point of neglect) and maybe that is why it matters to me now. I’ll also very protective of my teenager, checking where he is and how he will get home, not liking him to be out in the dark etc, and maybe that is a response to my upbringing too.

EveningOverRooftops · 14/12/2020 16:21

Chap I speak with a lot always wishes I stay safe when I have to go out, noticeably more the last week doing driving lessons on icy roads, of course we talk a lot about day to day stuff. Never met face to face and he cares in that respect.

Yep I would be concerned if an ex didn’t think about that or asking what time I’d be home or calling to make sure I got home ok. Even had an ex talk with me in the phone the short 10min walk I had to make home. His logic if I’m on the phone he knows I’m safe.

I suppose it would just reinforce that that ex wasn’t the right one for me and didn’t care in the way I needed to.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/12/2020 16:30

My boyfriend shows some concern - for example when I missed the bus the other night and was stuck waiting for the next one he told me to be careful. It was only 6pm and I wasn’t remotely worried, and I’m quite independent, have travelled a lot on my own etc. However I was touched by his concern, as my boyfriend before that would not have been the least concerned if I had told him I was taking crack with a group of hostile murderers in a war zone under heavy fire.......

I do think it could be excessive if it was all the time, obviously. But occasional displays of concern are nice. In return, I ask him quite a few mithering questions about whether he has eaten enough, slept ok (long distance driver). But I kind of make a joke of it as I don’t want to sound like I’m his mum! I think in this area, balance is everything...... Plus, as the posts above show, we are all different in what we see as concern/nagging, so you need to find a good match.

Teaanddimebars · 14/12/2020 16:30

And re: car breaking down, he has - and would - offer to come and keep me company even if I was in a safe place, and would drop everything to come straight away if I didn’t feel safe.

My ex DH was thoughtless with things like that, as he was generally selfish, so I appreciate being looked after a bit more now.

JurassicParkAha · 14/12/2020 16:43

There's a scene in the film Friends with Money (not a great film, but this scene was powerful) where Catherine Keener is struggling with her husband who she says never seems to care or notice how she's doing. There's an incident where she cuts her finger with a knife, and bandages it up, all while he's in the same room. He looks up and says nothing. When she gets upset at how he wasn't concerned, he says that it looked like she had it under control so why would he worry.

They eventually separate, he moves out. One day she knocks her head against some furniture, and says, 'Ouch'. And immediately her cleaner shouts from downstairs 'Are you ok?'. And of course she is, but the look on her face, that it's not ridiculous to expect someone who cares for you to just ask, 'Are you ok?'. Even if they know you likely are.

Ken1976 · 14/12/2020 16:44

My husband died over 10 years ago but once on the way home from a night shift I was hit from behind by a car . I phoned him to tell him that I wasn't injured and there was only slight damage to bumper of car . I assured him that I was fine .

Five minutes after I got home he walked in the front door . He wanted to see for himself that I was ok and had left work in order to do so .
He would never have left me waiting for a breakdown service for an hour on my own , let alone 5 hours

Lexilooo · 14/12/2020 16:45

No, he's my husband, an equal partner, not my mother. Though I wouldn't want that kind of patronising checking up from my Mum either!

We check in with each other if doing something risky or out of the ordinary and we help each other out but it is an equal thing.

He would come and help me if I had broken down, but I would him too. He shows he cares in less oppressive ways than constantly checking on me. He'll message me if I am at work in another city and it snows at home or if he hears of major traffic delays. Likewise if I am held up I let him know rather than let him guess whether I have had an accident or am working late.

79andnotout · 14/12/2020 16:45

No. If I need help, he assumes I'll ask (which I would). Otherwise the assumption is I'm fine. I also travel a lot for work so he will check in at the end of the day if he hasn't heard from me to make sure I got wherever in the world I am safely, but otherwise no.

TheSunIsStillShining · 14/12/2020 16:49

@Whydothedo

I'm single after what I think was a (at best) toxic relationship.

I'm 30 and he was 40. One of the things that left me questioning his love for me was that I never felt like he particularly cared about my physical safety (towards the end he purposely physically intimidated me so logically I know this may be true, but it's still on my mind) - for example if I said I'd be home by 6 but still wasn't come by 8, he'd never text to see if I was OK. He was always happy for me to walk in the dark alone, no matter if it was in a place I didn't know/a dodgy part of town etc.

When my car broke down and I was on my own for five hours, he didn't offer to come and wait with me. He never really said 'Be careful' or 'Let me know you get home safe' without it seeming forced. After once jokingly texting 'I'm home now... but thanks for making sure I wasn't in a ditch somewhere!' his response was 'If you were dead in a ditch, me texting to see if you were OK would have been pointless anyway 😉'.

I'm an independent person, I have my own hobbies/friends etc. but is it normal to have a BF/husband who is like this? We had a conversation about my feelings once and he said 'I think you're paranoid about life' and 'If I ever thought you were in real danger, I'd say something'.

Is this normal?

Based on this my H is an ass. And he is not :) No, he won't call me if I'm 2 hours late because he trusts me. Not because he doesn't care. Or he is working and lost time just as I do.

Walk in the dark alone - it's dark from 4 pm... what do you expect? Him to chaperone you around all the time all winter?

...in a place I didn't know. In the time of Gmaps it's not a possibility...

car broke down: I don't want to count how many hours I've spent changing tyres and waiting for AA. Why would he need to come and wait with me? Can he help? No. Then what's the point?

re: the text: that is a logical conclusion. What's the problem?

re:is it normal?
I think it is and you are being irrational. But I don't want to marry you :) My different point would be that you need to find a match where both of you value the same things and your minds work quite similarly.

We are a perfect match with my H as we are both very "engineer" types. We both value logic over emotion. But you would classify (based on your OP) that he is an ass (and me too). And your potential other partners would annoy the hell out of me with their whining about emotions and I'd probably class them as snowflakes.
In absolute terms: what you described is not toxic.
In subjective terms as per you: yes, toxic because he doesn't meet your needs.

category12 · 14/12/2020 16:52

@category12 Erm no, because if you have realised 2 hours later your partner isn't home and isn't answering, and do discover they were in an accident, and manage to get help to them OR if they're with emergency services and you have the chance to rush to the hospital to be with them - I think you'd be helping them.
It just seems a bit unlikely that you doing a check-in message is going to achieve those outcomes, to me.

I don't live with my partner, so if he toddles off home and doesn't text me goodnight, I'm more likely to think he's tired and went straight to bed or his phone ran out of charge than he's dead in a ditch. I mean, he might be dead in a ditch, but even if I was concerned, I'm unlikely to go screaming out into the night to look for him or call anyone, because chances are, he's snoring in bed.

It just seems like a bit of magical thinking that checking in does anything.

But with my kids, I like to check in.