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Original poster

Will he ever propose?

74 replies

Temp1233 · 14/12/2020 11:05

Me and DP have been together for 2.5 years and have a 5 month old DD together. Ever since having DD I can’t stop thinking of how much I want to be married so we can be a proper family and so I can have some security. Before I was pregnant he used to always talk about marriage but now he just seems to get annoyed if I mention it.
DP knows how I feel but just keeps saying we will next year. I just feel as though he is just saying this so I stop asking him.

Do you think we will next year or should I just let it go?

OP posts:
Coffeeeeandcake · 14/12/2020 11:07

If he wants to propose he will, I don’t think any of us can advise as we don’t know him. What I would say is that if a man wants to marry you, he’ll make it very, very obvious.

LouiseTrees · 14/12/2020 11:08

Maybe he doesn’t think only having 15 people there is going to cut it. Maybe he doesn’t have the money for a good engagement ring.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2020 11:09

It doesn't seem like he wants to marry you

Is it a dealbreaker? Does your child have his surname?

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 14/12/2020 11:09

He probably thinks there's no need for him to marry now he is getting all the benefits of marriage with none of the commitment.

JamesMoriarty · 14/12/2020 11:10

2.5 years isn't that long, give it time.
Also you are a proper family, married or not.

Original poster
Temp1233 · 14/12/2020 11:11

Yes DD has his surname and now I really wish that I had given her mine. I’ve been honest with him that if he won’t marry me I want to change her name but he just says we 100% will get married next year

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 11:15

@Temp1233

Yes DD has his surname and now I really wish that I had given her mine. I’ve been honest with him that if he won’t marry me I want to change her name but he just says we 100% will get married next year
Tell him you want to set a date and start planning. If he means it then there should be no issue with doing that.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 11:17

If he said next year you could have then said great lets set a firm date for our wedding ceremony in January at the registry office. Then watch his reaction to same. He is stalling for time.

Do not let this go but you may well get the answer you do not want i.e he does not want to marry you. He holds the vast amount of power and control in this relationship and he knows it too. Marriage to him and or the promise of is a carrot that he can hold out in front of you.

I have to look at you in all this as well, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Does your DD have his surname as well?. If so that was you giving yet more power and control over to him all too readily. What is the situation re the property, employment (are you working part time or are you a SAHM) and finances?. Is he readily sharing the chores and money with you?. Would you want her as an adult to be treated like you are; no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Original poster
Temp1233 · 14/12/2020 11:18

@youvegottenminuteslynn I did this at the weekend. I told him to set a date but he’d only say ‘towards the end of next year’

OP posts:
Mishmased · 14/12/2020 11:20

Why don't you propose to him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 11:20

[quote Temp1233]@youvegottenminuteslynn I did this at the weekend. I told him to set a date but he’d only say ‘towards the end of next year’[/quote]
Then he's bullshitting my love. Why the end of next year? Why not any sooner?

You have agency in this too - he doesn't get to unilaterally make decisions that become gospel for you to follow.

You need to think about what his words and actions are telling you - that if you didn't push him he wouldn't want to get married.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2020 11:21

By next year he'll be saying the year after
He probably has no intention of marrying you

Original poster
Temp1233 · 14/12/2020 11:22

@Mishmased I have done. But he didn’t take it seriously and said he would want to do it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 11:22

If you want to change her name on the birth certificate then I would get your skates on and do this asap; I believe such changes have to be done within the first year of life.

Does your DDs child benefit go to you directly?.

You would really be up the creek if he died suddenly as well as dealing with your own grief and perhaps being also reliant on his parents goodwill. In law you and he are currently regarded as two separate individuals unrelated to each other and would be treated as such on separation. Your legal rights here as an unmarried mother are poor to say the very least (he would be financially responsible for his child but would have no such obligation to you) and you are vulnerable emotionally and financially to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 11:24

Would start the process to change her surname to yours asap.

You are being strung along here by him big time, start to take some power and control back for your own self.

Scarydinosaurs · 14/12/2020 11:25

I think you need to say you want an honest conversation about what both of you want.

If he doesn’t want to marry you, that’s fine that’s his choice- but it isn’t fair to tell you he will marry you but not commit to a date and let you plan it.

If he does want to marry you it might be the cost/being the centre of attention etc putting him off. You might have to compromise- and listen to him about what he wants out of it too.

It’s not fair to fob you off, but it’s also not fair to pressure someone who isn’t ready to commit.

Good luck

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 11:25

Why do you want to marry someone who so clearly does NOT want to marry you? What is the point if you have to beg?

Change your daughter's name to yours and move on.

amillionwishes · 14/12/2020 11:26

If you're 100% getting married next year then in theory you're engaged, he doesn't need to buy a ring and do a big proposal...

With that in mind, get a date booked in at the register office for September (that's towards the end of next year, isn't it)

If he means what he says then he won't see anything wrong with that, will he? I suspect that in reality he is stalling and doesn't want to get married at all. Is it a dealbreaker? It would be for me.

LisaHalley · 14/12/2020 11:28

I found that my DP wanted it to be his idea, based on his instincts, so any hints or suggestions from me (or his mum) just irked him and put him off. Eventually, about a year after the m-i-l and I'd eased off the pressure he did a very romantic proposal!

Stop mentioning it. Enjoy life and be happy your amazing family.
Let it come from him naturally - perhaps he also wants to do a surprise proposal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 11:30

Given what OP has written about her man and his reactions, it is unlikely he wants to propose at all. Why would he propose when he has all the apparent benefits of marriage without he having to do any of the commitment?. Sadly I think OP is his "she will do for now woman".

Original poster
Temp1233 · 14/12/2020 11:30

@amillionwishes I’ve said that to him. I told him I don’t need a big proposal and that I’d be happy going to the register office. He says he’s waiting until DD is a bit more active so she can be involved in the proposal. That’s just an excuse though.

OP posts:
workshy44 · 14/12/2020 11:31

Don't agree with LisaHalley. If he was all talk about marriage before the baby and now is totally non committal I think he has zero intention of marrying you and is just stringing you along. He realizes he has the upper hand and all the power. Take some back. If he won't set a date I would be changing her name and making sure I was going back to work FT and he was doing his share of everything, including the childcare costs.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2020 11:33

It is indeed an excuse and a poor one at that. Why would he want her to be involved in a wedding proposal, she going to hold the ring or something?. Again this is all stalling behaviour on his part. If he wanted to marry you he would not treat you like this and be far more respectful of you; he really does think you are a mug here and should be happy with your meagre lot. Such types really do not ever want to share.

SonEtLumiere · 14/12/2020 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErickBroch · 14/12/2020 11:34

He might have something planned. My fiance had for the past year but COVID messed it all up - so any mention of marriage he completely stonewalled - but he was secretly getting my ring made etc. Maybe just give him a loose ultimatium (not the right word) that if nothing happens by X next year then you will be changing DCs name or something - and then lay off mentioning it.