Will he ever propose?

[Temp1233]

Me and DP have been together for 2.5 years and have a 5 month old DD together. Ever since having DD I can’t stop thinking of how much I want to be married so we can be a proper family and so I can have some security. Before I was pregnant he used to always talk about marriage but now he just seems to get annoyed if I mention it.
DP knows how I feel but just keeps saying we will next year. I just feel as though he is just saying this so I stop asking him.

Do you think we will next year or should I just let it go?

If he wanted to he would. He doesn’t want to. He has no reason to now you have a child together.

He is saying he doesn’t wish to get married now or in the foreseeable future.

The thing is, what can you do about it? He’s kinda got you hanging on here and you don’t want to force someone to marry you who doesn’t wish to. It’s up to you how much of a deal breaker this is. But I see no reason you can’t book it in now, or even get engaged,

@Regularsizedrudy

If he wanted to he would. He doesn’t want to. He has no reason to now you have a child together.

That’s a very odd way to look at it. Most folks would think there is even more reason now a child is involved.

Surely changing the child’s name isn’t all that straightforward as the OP’s boyfriend will have to agree to it?

@Dontbeme

but it seems that a lot of time and angst could be saved by not worrying about being married. Focus on the three of you, surely that's the most important thing?

Marriage is legal protection in the event of worst case happening. What happens to the OP and her DC if this bloke is hit by a bus? Do you suggest she harvests rainbows and hand rear unicorns to survive financially? So many people bleat that marriage is "just a piece of paper" well so is home insurance until your house burns down with all your worldly possessions in it and you are left with nothing. Fuzzy sentiment protects nobody in life. OP I would be preparing myself to go it alone, he doesn't seem to want to protect you or your DC, so you must do what it takes to provide security, leave this guy to it.

this this this

strange how other legal contracts - employment contracts, mortgage agreements, driving licence, credit agreements arent just dismissed as 'pieces of paper'

I'm sorry OP but I have to agree with PP - he's not fussed about marrying you because he has all the benefits of marriage already. His excuses are feeble beyond belief.

Oh FFS! All this bleating about 'he wants to propose his way / wants it to be a surprise / romantic /traditional. To channel Catherine Tate's Nan character - Wharraloadofshite!

Two possibilities in those situations :

1. He's stringing you along
2. He's a childish arsewipe who prioritises feeling like The Big I Am over treating his partner as his equal

The first you won't be married to. You might with the second, but you really shouldn't.

@VodselForDinner

Surely changing the child’s name isn’t all that straightforward as the OP’s boyfriend will have to agree to it?

I have read a few times on mumsnet that a birth can be reregistered within the first twelve months and took it as fact. However having just had a read around reliable sources, it looks like it can only be done in certain circumstances and none of which apply here. So no, I do not believe OP will be able to change the surname to her own without his permission assuming he has parental responsibility.

He will have PR if he’s on the birth certificate.

He does not want to. Blokes are funny things. If they want to they do it.
I've been 24 years not married with a kid. I'd rather leave as I don't feel secure but i cannot support our child alone (financially and other major issues).
It's up to you whether you can accept it or not.

@DonkeyMcFluff

Could you get security (and I assume you mean financial) without being married? No. Failing to get married shows a lack of concern for your partner’s long term wellbeing. I’m married. If my husband becomes ill I’m his next of kin and can make decisions for him. If he dies I can make the funeral arrangements. I inherit everything and it’s difficult for anyone to object. I may be entitled to his state pension and his private pension after he’s gone. If we split I’m protected and will get half of our assets. The latter is particularly important considering I’m the one whose career has been derailed by having our children. The only reason a man wouldn’t get married is because he doesn’t want the woman to have those things.

I agree with this. Especially this part The only reason a man wouldn’t get married is because he doesn’t want the woman to have those things.

I'm so sorry OP it doesn't look too promising. May I please ask, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, what were the circumstances that led to the two of you deciding to have a baby? By my rough calculations you'd been together one year when you conceived. I ask to try get more info so I can give better advice. My mum was in your exact situation once. I was the baby daughter. He never married her, didn't stick around, did the same to other women. In the end I changed from his surname to hers in my twenties.

Quite obviously he has no intention of marrying you, doesn't respect you and doesn't give a shit how you feel.

And you've given your child a different name to your own like you don't exist and don't matter. But then that's what you've communicated throughout - your wants, your needs, your role is irrelevant. You don't get to make decisions about your own life. Wth.

You need to start valuing yourself and raise your standards. Wise up.

Marriage is legal protection in the event of worst case happening. What happens to the OP and her DC if this bloke is hit by a bus? Do you suggest she harvests rainbows and hand rear unicorns to survive financially?

^^ Brilliant line But also deadly serious.

I don't think OP has replied about financial situation - renting or mortgage, his employment / her employment. She is walking into a potential nightmare, and doing that with someone who hasn't got the decency to engage properly with her concerns, wants or security.

And as for the excuse about involving dd in the proposal! I've know people use a fluffy bear as a prop, I've know a dog to be involved with a ring on his collar, I've known a dad who dressed their tiny dc in a baby-grow with "daddy wants to ask you a question" printed on it. And I've also known many, many more couples where the proposal is without a ring, without any fancy theatrics or gimmicks, just a straightforward, honest, grown up agreement. After all it's not as if he has to be nervous that you might turn him down although maybe you should

What will his next excuse be? "dd reaching terrible twos and would be difficult at a wedding" or "let's plan for the next baby and wait till after that" or "need to save up for house / family holiday, not spend it on a ring or wedding"?

Or will he join the throng of "it's just a piece of paper" or "no-one needs to get married these days..."

OP you know what you want, and you've been clear about it. You know the discussions you had before you were pregnant and therefore the expectations that were set regarding marriage. Do not let him string you along.

I think the changing name thing before they're 1 years old is for forename only. Below is excerpt from a council (England) website:

If you were not married to each other at the time of the birth and it was decided to give the child the father's surname (whether or not he attended with the mother) it is not possible to change the surname in the registration back to that of the mother. The only alternative will be to speak to a solicitor and make a statutory declaration or deed poll changing the surname of the child. This will not change the original birth registration. The statutory declaration or deed poll document should be attached to the birth certificate and this will provide evidence that the child is being brought up in a surname different to that recorded in the birth registration.

www.eastriding.gov.uk/living/births/your-childs-legal-name/

I agree with PPs that I'd like to see a government campaign to include this in some form of public education to let women know their rights.

@secretrugbyfan you're on mumsnet, surely you seen threads on relationships board and seen what happens to mothers who don't marry? Not all women but generally a significant amount of women are at a disadvantage compared to men when they have children. Stats show that maternity leave potentially harms women's careers, plenty if women are made redundant during this time (me included), then it can affect career progression, especially when women shoulder most/all childcare responsibilities include financing it - all the while men can carry on up that career ladder unhindered because his partner shoulders most/it all. Then years later if they split, the woman is generally left in a worse financial position having sacrificed career progression for the family unit, unlike the man, even more so if they owned property and she's not on the deeds. A married woman would be able to get a fair split of family assets - including her husbands earnings/pension, the premise being that she's enabled his earning potential at a cost to her own.

Oh and for goodness sake OP do not have another baby with him until this is resolved.

@20bloodypounds no I won’t. He wants more children in a few years but knows that’s not on the cards unless we’re married

Change your dd's name to yours, tell him you'll change it back when you get married

@flakdh

Quite obviously he has no intention of marrying you, doesn't respect you and doesn't give a shit how you feel.

And you've given your child a different name to your own like you don't exist and don't matter. But then that's what you've communicated throughout - your wants, your needs, your role is irrelevant. You don't get to make decisions about your own life. Wth.

You need to start valuing yourself and raise your standards. Wise up.

Blunt and true. He's holding the reins.

Take charge, OP.

just want him to be honest with me. I told him that if he doesn’t want to marry me then that’s fine but I need to know so I can protect me and DD

You need to take steps now to protect yourself and dd. Won't do any harm if you have these in place and he does propose to you. But you're scuppered if he doesn't

@Dontbeme

but it seems that a lot of time and angst could be saved by not worrying about being married. Focus on the three of you, surely that's the most important thing?

Marriage is legal protection in the event of worst case happening. What happens to the OP and her DC if this bloke is hit by a bus? Do you suggest she harvests rainbows and hand rear unicorns to survive financially? So many people bleat that marriage is "just a piece of paper" well so is home insurance until your house burns down with all your worldly possessions in it and you are left with nothing. Fuzzy sentiment protects nobody in life. OP I would be preparing myself to go it alone, he doesn't seem to want to protect you or your DC, so you must do what it takes to provide security, leave this guy to it.

To answer your points....

Most people take out joint life cover that is paid in the event of either death until their dependants are of an independent age. This is sensible for anybody with a young family and can be done outside marriage. You can also deem any life cover paid as DIS and pension payments to a nominated beneficiary....you don't need to be married to do this either.

The last time I looked you don't need to be married to take out house insurance cover either. Policies are effected on a joint basis so that any party can make a claim. This is easily set up at the time of effecting the policy.

Dontbeme - I've got a friend that can offer you some mushrooms if you want to harvest rainbows and hand rear unicorns if that's what you are into. I never said that marriage 'is just a piece of paper' but the examples you give can (and should) be done by anyone living together with a young family so if (god forbid) anything happens to one of the parents, the other parent does not have to worry about financial issues as well as the traumatic circumstances of losing a Partner or having to cope with a burnt shell of a house.

I never said that marriage 'is just a piece of paper' but the examples you give can (and should) be done by anyone living together with a young family so if (god forbid) anything happens to one of the parents, the other parent does not have to worry about financial issues as well as the traumatic circumstances of losing a Partner or having to cope with a burnt shell of a house.

Sure, and the easiest way to cover the most bases is to marry the person you've had children with. DH and I (I didn't want to get married, he did) looked into the various ways of replicating marital financial/legal rights with a solicitor and I decided it was easier just to get married, so we did. It cost £150, plus a very nice lunch with our witnesses, and changed nothing about the dynamics of our relationship or day to day lives.

I believe that you can use your own surname legally for your daughter without changing it by deed poll. I would start doing that now wherever you can. Send your partner a clear message.

To change by deed poll, both parents on the birth certificate need to agree. Ask him outright - "I regret giving our daughter your surname. I want to have the same surname as my daughter and it's going to be very awkward in future if I don't. Can you sign this form so that it can be changed legally by deed poll?" Keep the form on the kitchen table so he knows this isn't going away.

If you aren't working full-time, make sure you get back to work, shared childcare costs and start saving your own money. You need to be single-minded about carving out security for yourself. Be ruthless.

There’s a could of these a week on here at the moment.

Was your baby planned? Why did you not insist on marriage before you got pregnant?

If you push the point and he admits he doesn’t want to get married will you leave him?

Hi OP
I hope I don't offend but if you want security and you obviously want marriage why didn't you get married before having a baby?
did you have a baby with him thinking it would seal the deal with commitment?
Do you want to be married to him OR do you want marriage for security?