Page 2 | Will he ever propose?

MRC20 · 14/12/2020 11:35

Oh honey I'm so sorry but if he wanted to marry you he would and you'd be in no doubt about his feelings. He doesn't want to by the sounds of it.

Oldbutstillgotit · 14/12/2020 11:35

These threads make me so annoyed . Why oh why do so many young women have babies with men who don’t want to marry them ? And give their DC the father’s name ?
I have seen in in real life too and haven’t yet seen it resulting in marriage . An engagement maybe but that’s it .
I hope you have a job and your own income OP .

SonEtLumiere · 14/12/2020 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Temp1233 · 14/12/2020 11:36

I just want him to be honest with me. I told him that if he doesn’t want to marry me then that’s fine but I need to know so I can protect me and DD.

It does just feel like he’s stringing me along. We were watching Don’t tell the bride the other day and he started asking me what kind of wedding I wanted etc. I told him it’s not fair to ask me things like that if he has no intention of actually doing it

OP posts:

crazyfishh · 14/12/2020 11:37

Just to echo pp. Change her surname now! If you do if before she's a year it'll be changed on the birth certificate and you'll get a replacement. If you wait you'll be doing it via deedpoll and having to ask his permission.

Plsv87 · 14/12/2020 11:38

He could be annoyed because he wants the proposal to be a surprise and if you keep bringing it up it will end up looking pressured. This happened with me and dh - he already had the ring and was just waiting for me to stop mentioning it!

Kippure · 14/12/2020 11:42

@Oldbutstillgotit

These threads make me so annoyed . Why oh why do so many young women have babies with men who don’t want to marry them ? And give their DC the father’s name ? I have seen in in real life too and haven’t yet seen it resulting in marriage . An engagement maybe but that’s it . I hope you have a job and your own income OP .

Oh, they make me tired too. The same stuff comes up again and again -- the poster has usually given the child her partner's surname, keeps tentatively mentioning marriage and being put off by a man she describes as 'traditional' (which appears to mean 'happy to shag and impregnate me, but wants to propose in his own way at some date of his choosing in the distant future), who is irritated by her mentioning marriage. Such posters also seem to be stuck between a recognition that they are economically disadvantaged by not being married to their partner and yet feel hamstrung by the 'traditional' expectation that The Man Proposes (even if they've lived together for years and have a child together), and that the nice, girlish thing to do is not to 'nag'.

nitsandwormsdodger · 14/12/2020 11:45

You can propose
But the fact he's putting it off suggests he's not into you

Do you have other security ie house in your name. Own savings ?

ForeverAintEnough · 14/12/2020 11:46

@Plsv87 this is ridiculous. So your DH only proposed when you were a ‘good girl’ and stopped mentioning what you actually wanted. How pathetic. But yes tell the op if she is a good little girl and stops taking about how she wants to get married he just might let her get married to him at some stage maybe a year or so from now

Coffeeeeandcake · 14/12/2020 11:47

Add your surname now via the court, whilst things are amicable he’ll agree but later on, it might become a bit of a battle.

Oldbutstillgotit · 14/12/2020 11:53

Plsv87

Do you do as you are told in other ways ?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 11:54

@Plsv87

He could be annoyed because he wants the proposal to be a surprise and if you keep bringing it up it will end up looking pressured. This happened with me and dh - he already had the ring and was just waiting for me to stop mentioning it!

How horribly manipulative of him, he'll do what you want him to do but only if you are quiet and obedient. Ugh.

category12 · 14/12/2020 11:55

If your dd is 5 months and he wants her "involved in the proposal" (that's the proposal, mark you, not wedding), then for her to meaningfully be involved is a couple of years off, not the end of next year. Are you planning siblings? I just think this will be ever moving goalposts.

DonkeyMcFluff · 14/12/2020 12:04

He doesn’t want to marry you. Men chase after things they want. He isn’t chasing after you. I’m guessing the baby wasn’t planned because he obviously has zero interest in committing to you. My advice would be to cut him loose and move on.

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 12:11

"Oh, they make me tired too. The same stuff comes up again and again -- the poster has usually given the child her partner's surname, keeps tentatively mentioning marriage and being put off by a man she describes as 'traditional' (which appears to mean 'happy to shag and impregnate me, but wants to propose in his own way at some date of his choosing in the distant future), who is irritated by her mentioning marriage. Such posters also seem to be stuck between a recognition that they are economically disadvantaged by not being married to their partner and yet feel hamstrung by the 'traditional' expectation that The Man Proposes (even if they've lived together for years and have a child together), and that the nice, girlish thing to do is not to 'nag'."

Well said. Why don't these women ever stop and think what they are doing to their offspring, to bring them into such shit circumstances? Why???

MyristicaFragrans · 14/12/2020 12:22

@LisaHalley

I found that my DP wanted it to be his idea, based on his instincts, so any hints or suggestions from me (or his mum) just irked him and put him off. Eventually, about a year after the m-i-l and I'd eased off the pressure he did a very romantic proposal! Stop mentioning it. Enjoy life and be happy your amazing family. Let it come from him naturally - perhaps he also wants to do a surprise proposal.

Or not. Mine started off very early talking about marriage. I believed him, to the extent that I moved to another city with him. About two years later I mentioned marriage again. He was annoyed. Thought I’d wait for it to be ‘his’ idea. Four years passed... I brought it up again. Even more annoyed. Yes, I should have left at that point.

However, we are now married. We got married when I was seven months pregnant. MN told me I should be married and I insisted. NB: he really, really wanted the baby, so it was no kind of trap. There was no engagement ring and no honeymoon. So, not at all romantic.

I do feel to this day that he didn’t actually want to marry me and that feeling doesn’t help our relationship.

secretrugbyfan · 14/12/2020 12:29

@Temp1233

Me and DP have been together for 2.5 years and have a 5 month old DD together. Ever since having DD I can’t stop thinking of how much I want to be married so we can be a proper family and so I can have some security. Before I was pregnant he used to always talk about marriage but now he just seems to get annoyed if I mention it. DP knows how I feel but just keeps saying we will next year. I just feel as though he is just saying this so I stop asking him.

Do you think we will next year or should I just let it go?

Hello OP

An old male here and apologies for the questions (and I'm ready for the absolute flaming I'm going to get from the MN Vipers, but here goes)

Why does being married make you a 'proper' family?
Could you get security (and I assume you mean financial) without being married?
You mention about being married and your child's surname. If you did get married and then divorced a number of years later, would you change your child's surname?

I read lots of similar posts on here about marriage, and there seems to be a massive driver behind people getting married, more so from the female half of the couple than the male. Surely if you are happy with each other, either with or without children you are a family together.

I'm sorry for my view (and it's only that of course) but it seems that a lot of time and angst could be saved by not worrying about being married. Focus on the three of you, surely that's the most important thing?

Normalmumandwife · 14/12/2020 12:29

@Temp1233

He says he’s waiting until DD is a bit more active so she can be involved in the proposal. That’s just an excuse though.

That is a real excuse if there was one
I read so many similar threads on here. Meet bloke, have baby, marriage promised, no marriage and drags on for years. No protection for mother who has no access to pensions, assets, estate from death and isn't even default next of kin. He meantime is free to fuck off and leave her penniless unless she is a decent earner which most are not

Simple message to others reading.....mantra should be no marriage...no babies, as it is the women left holding the baby!

Dery · 14/12/2020 12:33

I gave my pre-marriage DDs my now DH’s surname solely on condition that we got married. We were older so focused on having children first. Once you’ve had DCs, I think practicality has to take precedence over romance. If he isn’t sufficiently committed to marry you, he shouldn’t be having children with you. It is that simple. At least change your DD’s surname so that it includes yours and make sure you maintain your earning power and financial independence.

I also struggle with this idea that marriage is something a man does to a woman rather than a joint decision between 2 adults who want to build a family together. It’s so disempowering to women.

RantyAnty · 14/12/2020 12:40

The women who get caught up in these situations make the mistake of believing a guy's words instead of going by his actions.
Men lie a lot when it comes to women and getting sex.

She offers up loyalty and commitment to someone who hasn't done anything to earn it.

Then there are the liars who do actually propose but there is no date and so the engagement goes on for years and years.

Women don't have to audition for the role of wife by moving in and playing house.

MadameButterface · 14/12/2020 12:42

Change her name to yours and start planning to be single (‘running away’ money, thinking about going back to work etc). Tell him you’ll change her name back when you get married.

IJustWantSomeBees · 14/12/2020 12:50

@RantyAnty

The women who get caught up in these situations make the mistake of believing a guy's words instead of going by his actions. Men lie a lot when it comes to women and getting sex.

She offers up loyalty and commitment to someone who hasn't done anything to earn it.

Then there are the liars who do actually propose but there is no date and so the engagement goes on for years and years.

Women don't have to audition for the role of wife by moving in and playing house.

This! If he wanted to marry you he would, he is stringing you along because he's already getting all of the benefits of marriage from you without offering you the commitment and security in return. Change her surname to yours.

Dontbeme · 14/12/2020 12:58

but it seems that a lot of time and angst could be saved by not worrying about being married. Focus on the three of you, surely that's the most important thing?

Marriage is legal protection in the event of worst case happening. What happens to the OP and her DC if this bloke is hit by a bus? Do you suggest she harvests rainbows and hand rear unicorns to survive financially? So many people bleat that marriage is "just a piece of paper" well so is home insurance until your house burns down with all your worldly possessions in it and you are left with nothing. Fuzzy sentiment protects nobody in life. OP I would be preparing myself to go it alone, he doesn't seem to want to protect you or your DC, so you must do what it takes to provide security, leave this guy to it.

Aprilx · 14/12/2020 13:03

@Temp1233

I just want him to be honest with me. I told him that if he doesn’t want to marry me then that’s fine but I need to know so I can protect me and DD.

It does just feel like he’s stringing me along. We were watching Don’t tell the bride the other day and he started asking me what kind of wedding I wanted etc. I told him it’s not fair to ask me things like that if he has no intention of actually doing it

Well he isn’t going to tell you that because then you might decide to end the relationship and he is not looking for that either. He has got everything he needs without needing to make the financial and legal commitment.

Change your daughters surname whilst you can do so more easily.

DonkeyMcFluff · 14/12/2020 13:06

Could you get security (and I assume you mean financial) without being married?
No. Failing to get married shows a lack of concern for your partner’s long term wellbeing. I’m married. If my husband becomes ill I’m his next of kin and can make decisions for him. If he dies I can make the funeral arrangements. I inherit everything and it’s difficult for anyone to object. I may be entitled to his state pension and his private pension after he’s gone. If we split I’m protected and will get half of our assets. The latter is particularly important considering I’m the one whose career has been derailed by having our children. The only reason a man wouldn’t get married is because he doesn’t want the woman to have those things.