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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wiped chat history

66 replies

Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 08:35

Urgh nc for this.

My husband has a 'work wife', not his name for her, that's what I call her (in jest). They work for a global firm, high pressure environment (don't want to be too specific but law/accountancy/consulting that kind of thing).

Work wife (I'll call her Amy) is also married. Her husband is handsome and a lovely guy. No kids on either side. We go for dinner Amy and her husband, have mutual friends, a few holiday breaks away in groups etc etc. Amy is younger than me, very sexy (in a classy way), clever, etc etc. She's also great fun and can drink the boys under the table. You get the idea. If it sounds like I'm a bit jealous of her yes maybe I am.

Anyway I noticed he's been on his phone a lot more recently and sorry to say (pls don't flame) I had a look at his chars with Amy and its been wiped. I know it's been wiped because they text all the time and are good friends, he has shown me a meme or a photo etc from her before so I know there was a chat history it's not like 'oh maybe they just don't text much' if you get me.

I flip between thinking im being paranoid and then thinking stop it you're just jealous of her. Wwyd.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 08:40

This isn’t about Amy.

It’s either you don’t trust him and for good reason and think he is or will cheat on you or it’s about your jealousy and low self esteem.

Either issue you need to address.

category12 · 13/12/2020 08:44

I'd have another look and check whether he normally wipes message streams with other people. And then I'd be very worried indeed.

nimbuscloud · 13/12/2020 08:46

Ask him why he wiped the chat history.

DontInjectBleach · 13/12/2020 08:46

Maybe he has a hidden app he uses to message her. I would guess he'd want to keep the messages or else you'd lose the thread of the conversation. Look at his battery use to see what apps are accessed most. But maybe start with 'have you heard from Amy lately?'

berrygirlie · 13/12/2020 08:49

Yes, check and see if wiping the chats is what he usually does with everyone. If not, bring it up. (to try and stay positive, do you have a birthday or something coming up soon? maybe he's bought you a secret prezzie... clutches at straws ...)

Ithinkim · 13/12/2020 08:51

Hmmm. I'd be checking to see if he wipes other chats.

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 08:56

I checked, no other chats were wiped. Ahhhhh. 😬

I don't think he uses any other apps but ok fair point I'll check.

I keep asking myself would u feel the sane way if he had wiped his chats with a male friend and well.... No I wouldn't. So I know maybe I am just projecting. But it just makes me feel queasy.

I don't want to just ask him cos then he'll know I've looked. 😬

OP posts:

Justa47 · 13/12/2020 08:59

I would not worry if everything else is ok.
Is it?

category12 · 13/12/2020 09:00

Yes but he probably wouldn't need to wipe chats with a bloke, would he?

He's done it because there's something to hide.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 09:07

But it just makes me feel queasy

This is the issue here. Not whether he is having an affair. It's the fact that you don't trust him to the point that your suspicion is making you feel sick. Your job is to find a way to settle that feeling. What did he say when you asked him if he was having an affair with her?

Isitreally77 · 13/12/2020 09:11

It's possible he did it by accident.

I wiped all my messages and calls by mistake month or so ago, I have no idea how I did it but I managed it. I did have a back up but it was quite an old one so some of the more recent people I'd been messaging didn't have chat history.

LilyLongJohn · 13/12/2020 09:18

Just keep an eye on it. The first red flag when my dh was cheating was exactly what you've put in your op. He deleted their chats but no one else's. Not saying this is the same, but just keep your eyes open.

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 09:38

Eckhart are you just trying to put the boot in? 🙄 Or are you being serious?

Justa everything is fine. No weird stuff like hitting the gym, new haircut or anything. I did notice he was glued to his phone this week though. Not exactly unusual for him.... I actually don't know what made me notice / check tbh. He wasn't being shifty or anything

OP posts:

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 09:49

@Lostatsea1988

Eckhart are you just trying to put the boot in

In what way do you think I'm getting at you? I'm not, not at all.

HarrietOh · 13/12/2020 09:54

Yeah that’s a worrying sign, and something isn’t sitting right with you as you felt the need to check.
Increased phone usage/being glued to phone is likely what got me thinking too. Is he more secretive with phone? Won’t leave it lying around? Taking it into bathroom with him etc?

nimbuscloud · 13/12/2020 10:00

Presumably he’s leaving it lying around if the op was able to snoop on it.
Also she has access to his password/unlock code.

Ithinkim · 13/12/2020 10:32

You don't think she's giving him ideas on what to get you for Christmas if you're all friends?

Lampan · 13/12/2020 10:48

Do you call her his ‘work wife’ to his face? Does he mind if so? I can see how maybe that could come across as jealous/insecure or even passive aggressive. Doesn’t explain the deleted messages but maybe he suspects you are checking up on him?

MizMoonshine · 13/12/2020 10:54

I habitually wiped all my chats for years.
Now I keep my family chats (after losing my dad).

To wipe just the one leads me to believe they crossed a line and he wanted to get rid of the evidence.

Do some digging and call him out on it.

Fuzzmutt · 13/12/2020 10:55

Do you think he is having sex with Amy or just flirting with her?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 13/12/2020 11:02

Go with your gut and keep an eye on this discreetly .Wiped chats shows that you have something there that you do not want your partner to see. This is very common .

Original poster

Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 11:04

Christmas present help is very plausible.

Yes I call her his work wife. I'm a bit jealous of her but until now not in an unhealthy way if that makes sense. There's ugly corrosive jealousy and then just wondering how some woman get all the luck jealousy you know? Huge (natural) tits tiny waist, million dollar smile, confident, kind etc!

How would I know if they are having sex or just flirting?! I can't even see their chat your guess is as good as mine! He's not been coming home later than usual or anything and we are having normal /regular sex. Nothing untoward in that regard.

OP posts:

Fuzzmutt · 13/12/2020 11:19

Good to know that you're having normal/regular sex and there's nothing untoward in that regard. Apart from her huge (natural) tits and tiny waist, what do you think he sees in her?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 13/12/2020 11:21

@Fuzzmutt

Good to know that you're having normal/regular sex and there's nothing untoward in that regard. Apart from her huge (natural) tits and tiny waist, what do you think he sees in her?

However many men step up the sex when having an affair . This is meaningless.

Fuzzmutt · 13/12/2020 11:29

Why are you telling me? I know what my husband is up to and it's not Amy.

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