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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wiped chat history

66 replies

Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 08:35

Urgh nc for this.

My husband has a 'work wife', not his name for her, that's what I call her (in jest). They work for a global firm, high pressure environment (don't want to be too specific but law/accountancy/consulting that kind of thing).

Work wife (I'll call her Amy) is also married. Her husband is handsome and a lovely guy. No kids on either side. We go for dinner Amy and her husband, have mutual friends, a few holiday breaks away in groups etc etc. Amy is younger than me, very sexy (in a classy way), clever, etc etc. She's also great fun and can drink the boys under the table. You get the idea. If it sounds like I'm a bit jealous of her yes maybe I am.

Anyway I noticed he's been on his phone a lot more recently and sorry to say (pls don't flame) I had a look at his chars with Amy and its been wiped. I know it's been wiped because they text all the time and are good friends, he has shown me a meme or a photo etc from her before so I know there was a chat history it's not like 'oh maybe they just don't text much' if you get me.

I flip between thinking im being paranoid and then thinking stop it you're just jealous of her. Wwyd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 11:39

He's just asked me if we are free for dinner with them next week.

What would you do?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 11:43

@Lostatsea1988

He's just asked me if we are free for dinner with them next week.

What would you do?

Talk to him. If your relationship is generally good then you need to have the conversation about this or it will spiral, you'll get obsessed and resentful.
notapizzaeater · 13/12/2020 11:51

Has their behaviour changed when you see them together ? I'd have the dinner and watch them tbh. Though at this time of year I'd presume she'd helped with a gift

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 11:51

@Lostatsea1988

He's just asked me if we are free for dinner with them next week.

What would you do?

I would be questioning why your first instinct is not to talk to your husband about how you feel. You don't seem to trust him at all. Is there a backstory here?
gannett · 13/12/2020 11:55

It could also be discretion around a work-related matter. I've been asked to wipe chats about embargoed information before. Christmas present chat also plausible. If it was a male colleague you'd have assumed one of those things automatically.

Has he given you any other reason not to trust him?

Do you feel you can communicate honestly with him about your insecurity vis-a-vis Amy? Would he be able to reassure you if you did?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 13/12/2020 11:57

@Fuzzmutt

Why are you telling me? I know what my husband is up to and it's not Amy.
I'm not telling you about your marriage . I am commenting on your belief that men who are having sex with their wives are not having an affair Confused
Bluntness100 · 13/12/2020 12:04

Op, on here the man is always cheating. Some posters will do anything to convince you of that, proper go the extra mile. Even when in cases like this they have no evidence and it’s just as likely he isn’t.

Unless you’re new to mumsent you’d know this.

ChronicallyCurious · 13/12/2020 12:24

Honestly, I think if he’s wiped the chat then it’s because there was something to delete. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s an affair or something suspicious, could be Christmas present help, could be a confidential work matter. That’s something you need to get to the bottom of.

TheWitchCirce · 13/12/2020 12:29

@Lostatsea1988

He's just asked me if we are free for dinner with them next week.

What would you do?

Well, if you're in England you'll have to eat outside which is bloody freezing. So good reason to say No.
doodles17 · 13/12/2020 15:24

I've been where you are except I read a text and it was a bit flirty, nothing more to it no other suspicious things he's never hid his phone or anything else I know he didn't cheat and never would and tbh wish I'd not seen it, if you asked him he would only make any excuse up, if everything else is fine and you actually don't suspect him cheating it's probably just some mild flirting. Check again over the next few weeks and if the chat keeps getting deleted then do something about it, if it was just this one time id bet it's nothing.

WatieKatie · 13/12/2020 16:29

Surely they wouldn’t be so brazen as to suggest dinner with partners if they are sleeping together?

I do think that you are reading far too much into this OP.

Dinosaur19 · 13/12/2020 17:17

@WatieKatie

Surely they wouldn’t be so brazen as to suggest dinner with partners if they are sleeping together?

I do think that you are reading far too much into this OP.

Hidden in plain sight
Eckhart · 13/12/2020 17:26

@WatieKatie

Surely they wouldn’t be so brazen as to suggest dinner with partners if they are sleeping together?

I do think that you are reading far too much into this OP.

More likely the recent conversation was prepping the 'OW' to grill OP on what she wants for Christmas, so that she can report back to DH.
DontInjectBleach · 13/12/2020 17:38

How did she ask? Ask to see her message.

Needsadvice197 · 13/12/2020 18:15

You need to ask him straight, why have you deleted messages with Amy when I know damn well you speak to her a lot.

Why do you refer to this woman as his work wife? He’ll either think you don’t care if they have a flirt or he’ll think you’re being jealous and could delete any chat because he thinks you’re snooping? Either way deleting the chats is wrong but you need to stop referring to her as this. She is a mutual friend and that’s all that needs to be said.

IJustWantSomeBees · 13/12/2020 18:54

I keep asking myself would u feel the sane way if he had wiped his chats with a male friend and well.... No I wouldn't. So I know maybe I am just projecting. But it just makes me feel queasy.

When people say this it never makes sense to me. Obviously you wouldn't be as concerned if it was a male friend, unless your husband is bi or gay, because then there is no possibility of an affair. It's a non-sensical comparrison.

OP if you have a gut feeling that something is off then listen to it. Has anything else been happening to make you feel this way? It could be nothing but it equally could be something, affairs are very commonplace and I loathe seeing people trying to convince women that they are crazy for listening to their intuition. It's very rare that we're actually acting unhinged/paranoid.

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 19:54

Alright so I made an excuse today to grab his phone and said I wanted to dig out the dog meme Amy sent recently and send it on to my mum. I asked him (light hearted, just 'oh isn't that odd' tone) where his chat history with Amy went and he said they had been discussing a work project that is price sensitive realised that was a 'dick move' as he put it and shouldn't have done so. (Someone called it upthread!)

I realise I have definitely been calling her his work wife to try and regulate my feelings about their relationship. I can't lie and say I have absolutely no issues with my husband being such close friends with a beautiful younger woman. If you wouldn't then great, good for you, gold star for your relationship and all that. Meanwhile the rest of us mortal beings who haven't won the genetic lottery and know we are 'punching' with our partners just try to be kind to ourselves. I see now that it's probably not a healthy label for me to have put on their friendship and i am going to heed the tips to stop it!

Thanks x

OP posts:
chunkyrun · 13/12/2020 20:03

WatieKatie
Surely they wouldn’t be so brazen as to suggest dinner with partners if they are sleeping together?

^^ yes it's brazen and exciting

whatwedontknow · 13/12/2020 20:11

A work wife, is she his PA? I don’t understand the context, for what reasons do you call her this? Though I do know a woman who fits her description real life name Lorraine works in Law. The only thing you missed out was long dark glossy hair that always looks great, up, down or weather ravaged.

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 20:12

Meanwhile the rest of us mortal beings who haven't won the genetic lottery and know we are 'punching' with our partners just try to be kind to ourselves

How come you place such high value on looks, OP? You might be 10 times the woman she is, and far more attractive to your husband.

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 20:18

I am not 10 times the woman she is as she is a really nice person! Just happens to be really stunning on top! Obviously i know looks aren't everything, i'm just being honest and owning my feelings, even if I know they are not healthy. Honestly if I'd come on here and sworn I didn't feel jealous of her at all all the vipers would be circling and saying "you sound bitter OP" and "you need to get a handle on your jealousy". Can't win!

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 20:18

Also I wouldn't be calling her his work wife it would be putting ideas into his head... I know because my dp used to keep accusing me of fancying my dds tutor and then I realised I was 'catching feelings' because I was thinking about it after DPs comments iyswim

BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 20:19

Of course I gave myself a brain check and noticed what was happening

Eckhart · 13/12/2020 20:23

You sound defensive. I wasn't attacking you. I was saying your jealousy may be unfounded. It may be.

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 13/12/2020 20:27

lol at Ekhardt playing up to type there. Ok enough MN for me today. Thank you for the hand hold guys!

OP posts:
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