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Original poster

Dh and ds - is this normal for a 10 year old to say?

56 replies

Giraffeseatsmarties · 12/12/2020 20:11

Ds is 10 and he and dh have a slightly tricky relationship. Dh doesn’t spend much time with ds.
Ds has remarked - several times that he is ‘wary’ or ‘scared’ of dh, that dh is ‘like a pressure cooker’ and that he doesn’t ‘earn respect he commands it.’
Dh has shouted at ds occasionally and it makes ds shake.
But all parents shout sometimes, which I’ve said to ds. I’m not sure what’s normal here.

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 12/12/2020 20:14

It doesn’t sound normal for a child to be scared of his father.
Do you have other children ?

category12 · 12/12/2020 20:18

What sort of relationship do you and DH have? Is there a lot of shouting? What sort of man is your DH? You haven't given much insight into your DH's behaviour for us to be able to say anything.

It isn't normal that your ds is scared of wary of his father.

user131426479642 · 12/12/2020 20:23

Of course that's not fucking normal.

Arrivederla · 12/12/2020 20:23

A 10 year old says things like "He doesn't earn respect, he commands it?" Hmm.

Original poster

Giraffeseatsmarties · 12/12/2020 20:24

Yes I was surprised but apparently they’d been talking about it at school in pshe. About respect.

OP posts:

MistletoeandGin · 12/12/2020 20:26

You don’t give much information about your partner and the type of man he is. Do you have a good marriage? Why doesn’t he spent much time with his son?
It’s not a normal thing for a 10 year old to say... firstly because a child should never be scared of their parent and also because it’s a very eloquent turn of phrase for a 10 year old.

Eckhart · 12/12/2020 20:26

like a pressure cooker’ and that he doesn’t ‘earn respect he commands it

These are not phrases a 10 year old would normally make up, so I would imagine he's heard them somewhere. Something is amiss.

Whatever is 'normal' isn't really the point. Your son is uncomfortable and that needs getting to the bottom of. If he's scared, it needs getting to the bottom of today.

Iloveacurry · 12/12/2020 20:29

That doesn’t sound normal at all. It sounds like your DS is frightened of his dad.

MynephewR · 12/12/2020 20:30

Dh has shouted at ds occasionally and it makes ds shake do you mean actually shake with fear? I lose my temper more often than I should and shout sometimes but my DC's have never physically shook with fear. If that happened I would be devastated and probably look into going on a parenting course as that is just not okay.

It doesn't sound normal to me for a child to describe a parent in that way. Looks like there is a big problem here.

Original poster

Giraffeseatsmarties · 12/12/2020 20:33

I asked where he’d heard the respect thing and he said school.
He reads a lot and is on the autistic spectrum so his turn of phrase is quite often more grown up then you might expect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Giraffeseatsmarties · 12/12/2020 20:34

I shout sometimes too but the difference is I’m tiny and dh is big. I think he’s just innately more scary.

OP posts:

Arrivederla · 12/12/2020 20:37

@Giraffeseatsmarties

I asked where he’d heard the respect thing and he said school. He reads a lot and is on the autistic spectrum so his turn of phrase is quite often more grown up then you might expect.

Ok that makes sense. Apologies for doubting you. It's really not good that he is frightened of your dh op - you must know that. Don't brush it under the carpet.

MistletoeandGin · 12/12/2020 20:38

How is your relationship with your DH? Why doesn’t he spend much time with your DS?

user1481840227 · 12/12/2020 20:40

Well he is expressing what he feels....perhaps the language used might be a bit of unintentional exaggeration about the way he really feels about his father but I would definitely listen to him and try to explore his feelings some more!

Does he think his father has any good points? How does he think his father feels about him?

Goodfood1 · 12/12/2020 20:40

My 9 year old speaks like this, he's also on the spectrum. regardless you need to listen to your son and talk to your DH and help them improve their relationship. My son can also be very very dramatic, so I wonder if yours is similar.
once again, they may need help.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 20:41

If my child was so scared of their dad they physically shook I would be devastated.

Original poster

Giraffeseatsmarties · 12/12/2020 20:41

Just never been that involved - works long hours and finds ds hard work I think.
Tells him he loves him all the time but ds is closer to his grandad which dh isn’t impressed about but ds said grandad takes an interest.

I am wary of dh too. For no particular reason.

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 12/12/2020 20:43

Is your DH interested and willing in trying to build a better relationship with your son during his childhood?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 20:43

I am wary of dh too. For no particular reason.

You need to really interrogate yourself about this to try and identify why - because whatever you're feeling as an adult with agency is only a little of what a child feels with no agency.

When you say wary do you mean frightened? Unnerved? Physically threatened?

Original poster

Giraffeseatsmarties · 12/12/2020 20:44

Dh tends to just get annoyed and say ‘fuck him’ if ds doesn’t want to do whatever it is he might have suggested.
I don’t know why I’m wary, possibly I am overly dramatic.

OP posts:

mammmamia · 12/12/2020 20:45

I have a 10 year old DS and my DH has got a short fuse and a loud voice so can be a bit shouty. I don’t like it - but can honestly say the DC are not in the least bit actually scared of him. He spends a lot of time with them and they adore him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 20:45

@Giraffeseatsmarties

Dh tends to just get annoyed and say ‘fuck him’ if ds doesn’t want to do whatever it is he might have suggested. I don’t know why I’m wary, possibly I am overly dramatic.

Right well obviously that's not normal, it's cruel and shows a lack of care for his son. You know that's really, really far from a normal response right?!

mammmamia · 12/12/2020 20:46

I don’t think you are being dramatic. It’s not normal for a parent to say “fuck him” about their child.

Eckhart · 12/12/2020 20:49

@Giraffeseatsmarties

Dh tends to just get annoyed and say ‘fuck him’ if ds doesn’t want to do whatever it is he might have suggested. I don’t know why I’m wary, possibly I am overly dramatic.

Your partner is frightening your son to the point that he shakes, and your partner is saying 'fuck him', and you think you're being over dramatic for feeling wary? Something is very amiss.

Does your partner respect your boundaries? For example, if you tell him he's upset you, does he apologise and make sure not to repeat the behaviour?

Arrivederla · 12/12/2020 20:55

I agree with the pp - something is very amiss here.

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