Dh and ds - is this normal for a 10 year old to say?

[Giraffeseatsmarties]

Ds is 10 and he and dh have a slightly tricky relationship. Dh doesn’t spend much time with ds.
Ds has remarked - several times that he is ‘wary’ or ‘scared’ of dh, that dh is ‘like a pressure cooker’ and that he doesn’t ‘earn respect he commands it.’
Dh has shouted at ds occasionally and it makes ds shake.
But all parents shout sometimes, which I’ve said to ds. I’m not sure what’s normal here.

@Giraffeseatsmarties

I shout sometimes too but the difference is I’m tiny and dh is big. I think he’s just innately more scary.

My husband is huge but no one is scared of him, least of all any child

Interesting that you are placing all the emphasis on your sons reactions and not your husbands behaviour.

Oh God, this is horrible to read. I can only imagine what you're living with that you would even question whether it's normal. It's really not. Your poor, poor DS (I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty by the way, just feeling a bit emotional reading what you've written!)
I think it's time to go into protective mother mode, rather than tiptoeing around your husband. Do you feel able to do this? As a first step, maybe you could contact Women's Aid. I'm guessing he's not only abusive towards your son but is also messing with your head, and this is probably going to be something you need help with unpacking. All I can say is, if you feel 'wary' of your DH, there is a very good reason for that. We're all equipped with instincts to keep us safe, but maybe you need some help to be able to listen to your instincts and act accordingly. I wish you and your DS all the very best.

Is he your sons biological father?

So you’re both scared of him and he’s abusive and says things like fuck him if he doesn’t do as he’s told?

This isn’t ok op. What do you do when you see your child shaking in fear?

Oh OP none of this is normal

Why are you wary of him

Does your husband have any understanding of what it means to be on the autism spectrum? How did he take your son's diagnosis? I'm not in any way excusing his behaviour - and I wouldn't be with a man who scared my children - but I have heard of men grieving the type of father son relationship they thought they'd have. And maybe he's expressing that really badly. Especially with the jealousy(?) that your son has a better relationship with his grandfather.