Dh and ds - is this normal for a 10 year old to say?

[Giraffeseatsmarties]

Ds is 10 and he and dh have a slightly tricky relationship. Dh doesn’t spend much time with ds.
Ds has remarked - several times that he is ‘wary’ or ‘scared’ of dh, that dh is ‘like a pressure cooker’ and that he doesn’t ‘earn respect he commands it.’
Dh has shouted at ds occasionally and it makes ds shake.
But all parents shout sometimes, which I’ve said to ds. I’m not sure what’s normal here.

Questions -
Why does your DH not spend time with him ?
Are his suggestions something DS would be remotely interested in, or are they really what DH wants to do ?
Why does he think abusive speech is ok toward a child ?
Does he talk that way to anyone else ?
Does DH have an issue with DS being on the spectrum, or is there some other issue going on ?

Your husband is scary and emotionally abusive and both you and your poor son are scared of him. You seem to be in denial about this but you need to open your eyes and protect your son. Better late than never.

Is your husband also autistic? (Undiagnosed?)

This dynamic sounds really unsettling. I think you need to say mot about what you mean by weary in how you feel.

He sounds ill suited to parenthood. With him impatient with ds and not liking his child having a good relationship with other family. Really a bit unsettling tbh.

OP I'd think your son has been talking about abuse in his PSHE lesson and something has clicked. He's related to something and that's why those odd phrases have clicked in his head. Urge your husband to be kinder and more patient with your son or order him to seek anger management support because there's no good reason why your son should be afraid of his own father and the fact you're unsure if that's okay or not is incredibly worrying. If your son discloses this information to his teacher you'd likely have someone phoning you or knocking on your door so I suggest you and your husband get your shit together and make your son safe.

My husband is a hothead. He doesn’t shout at the kids, but my 11 year old son has said he’s wary of him because he’s short tempered. Only because my kids never get shouted at or told off barely anyway. They also don’t spend much time together, mainly because husband is always working.

There isn’t necessarily anything amiss. Don’t jump to conclusions. You’ve said you also shout at your kid, but because you’re shorter than your husband it doesn’t bother your son so much if you shout

Frank convo with husband and son required before MN advice to line your financial ducks up behind husband’s back, leave him, and become a voluntary single parent.

I cannot imagine any parent saying ‘fuck him’ to a 10 year old ASD child. It’s so damning. So condemning. Deeply awful. Also producing a physical shake response in a child fgs OP! You need to wake up and stop normalising abnormal behaviour.

Frank convo with husband and son required before MN advice to line your financial ducks up behind husband’s back, leave him, and become a voluntary single parent

Nobody has said this. People have merely shown concern for a child who is frightened of his father and has his feelings dismissed by the words 'Fuck him'. If nothing else, this is worthy of further investigation, don't you think?

Interesting language for a ten year old to use.

I’m surprised you have to ask if this is normal. It clearly isn’t. Your husband sounds like a bully who likes to throw his weight around and scare your child. This is emotional abuse towards your son.

Your husband sounds vile, your poor son. You say you are wary too for no reason. If you were honest with yourself, I’m sure you would admit that maybe you’re frightened of him too. For you to say you’re wary too suggests some form of abuse. Your son needs you to protect him.

My 10 yr DS would totally say something like this.
He reads a lot.

Your DH needs to work on himself !

Being terrified of my father is why I have complex PTSD and have had to take medication all my life.
No it isn't normal and it destroys young brains the same as if they were being kicked in the head.
Do you think it's ok for your DS to be frightened of his father, he is trying to tell you this is whats happening so you need to listen.

So you are wary of someone you are supposed to be in a loving relationship with? And your son is afraid of his father? There's a lot wrong here, OP. Do some hard thinking. Could you discuss this with your husband and know that you would be safe, that he would listen and take it on board? Or does that thought make you more afraid?

Its not just neglect and violence it's also emotional abuse and feeling fear in the home.

developingchild.harvard.edu/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Persistent-Fear-and-Anxiety-Can-Affect-Young-Childrens-Learning-and-Development.pdf

If you are “wary” of him then think how a child would feel.
He sounds like an awful bully TBH.
And “fuck him” about his child? He sounds like an utter arsehole

He sounds like an idiot OP. It definitely isn’t normal

the expression is fairly common.

the feeling is very common.

What? He is so scared of his father that he shakes. That is so sad.
And his father swears about him - in front of him. That's horrible. And tbh turns my stomach.

You are scared of your own H?

He sounds like a scum bag and a shit father.

Don't undervalue your own (and your child's) feelings.

@PigletJohn

the expression is fairly common.

the feeling is very common.

To be so scared of your father that you shake? It might be common, but so is abuse.

The question is more 'Do you think it's acceptable?'

Definitely not right OP

Your husband should be making an effort to do what your child enjoys instead of saying "fuck him" and not bothering at all.

My husband can be shouty sometimes and he's a large bulky bloke but he doesn't direct any hot headed anger towards his child. I don't think being a bit shouty equals abusive arsehole, dh is very close to his children cos he's not shouty AT them, he spends lots of time with them doing things they like, he takes an interest in what they enjoy and makes effort to do things they enjoy with them.

Your husband sounds like a bit of a bully. If he's not a dick head then a chat and your husband working in his anger and spending quality time doing things your son enjoys with him might make things better but he sounds like the type who'd get angry at the criticism rather than be gutted that his child is scared of him.

Your husband sounds horrible OP and you son is asking for help. Please give it to him.

It sounds as though your DH has found it hard to bond with your son. Whether it's his own personality traits or an inability to cope with your son's challenging (?) behaviour, he needs to seek help.

You sense that he doesn't put your ds's needs first. Your son senses it.

You are both wary of his temper because you know he could hurt you- with words if not physically.

Look at family therapy, or ask your husband if he wants out. No point keeping him in a situation that makes all of you unhappy.

If I heard this professionally it would be raised as a safeguarding issue

Immediate red flags.

Some forms of child neglect can be emotional and mental. These are safeguarding issues

Saying 'I don't get that kid, fuck it' would fall into emotional abuse.

There is also neglect. Not necessarily in this case but that is also a safeguarding issue.

I wouldn't be comfortable continuing as you are without some perspective/ help/ counselling

@Eckhart

it is not acceptable

I don't know if "DH" is the boy's father. AFACT this sounds more like an undesirable stepfather relationship.

The feeling is quite common about people in authority, whether it is headmaster, drill sergeant, supervisor, business owner.