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Original poster

MIL/SIL are taking DD1 to Disneyland Paris but not taking DD2

82 replies

Rorytigger · 22/10/2007 13:37

I know, I know, I should be grateful that they are taking DD1(4) (she's beyond excited), but can't help feeling sorry for DD2 (2) . SIL is taking her DD(22mths) and MIL says she couldn't cope with both DD's. My problem with it is that DD2 always gets side-lined as my MIL seems to have a grandchild pecking order. DD1 has never stayed overnight before let alone go away for three days and (I admit) I'm going to miss her dreadfully. Her sister will too as they are joined at the hip . Both DH and I will be at work for most of the time so it's not like I'm going to have some real quality time with her to make her feel special too.

OP posts:

TellusMater · 22/10/2007 14:21

Ah. Maybe I'm just judging things from the POV of my own children.

DD would I think have been a bit bored if not allowed to go on the rides, especially if her brother could go on them.

Hulababy · 22/10/2007 14:22

Tons and tons of rides at DLP for a 2yo.

nutcracker · 22/10/2007 14:22

I would have a problem with them inviting one child and not the other, however, if dd1 already knows about the trip, I don't think it is fair to now say she cannot go, it's not her doing afterall.

nailpolish · 22/10/2007 14:23

this reminds me of how my brother got to skive sundayschool to go to football practice, while i was FORCED to go to sundayschool which i HATED

ive never forgotten how unfair that was. i cried every weekend

flowerybeanbag · 22/10/2007 14:23

What Elizabetth said 14:17:43, that's so true about remembering things like this and also absolutely right about Granny not being in charge of who gets to go where when. Yes it's a lovely offer, but she shouldn't have said without consulting rory first or discussing what will happen for DD2 so that it's fair. And judging by Rory's pre-existing concerns about fair treatment, it's by no means guaranteed that a similar treat is planned for DD2 later on.

ChasingSquirrels · 22/10/2007 14:24

I agree with Anna

Elizabetth · 22/10/2007 14:25

All you need to do is tell her "Nanny made a mistake, but we'll take you both in x amount of time". As long as they both get to go in the end (now it's on the table) it's all good.

TellusMater · 22/10/2007 14:30

Sorry - just going on info from further down the thread.

Never been.

Baffy · 22/10/2007 14:59

lisalisa I disagree - 2 year olds can experience disney properly and do remember. I took ds at 20 months, and now, 6 months later he still asks if we can 'see micky mose again', still sings the songs off the rides, still puts on the dvds and then recalls memories of 'when we shot buzz lightyear' or 'when we saw the dollies dancing'...
Some children pick up on things and remember far more than we give them credit for.

MIL's 'pecking order', the fact that there is no guarantee that dd2 will get the same trip in a few years, the fact that rory wasn't even consulted before they told dd1... would all make me say no. Definitely.

Amethyst8 · 22/10/2007 15:14

Now that DD1 had been told it would be a real shame not to let her go but I admit I would be livid.

2 year olds do remember. We took DS on holiday to Spain two years in a row when he was 1 and 2 respectively to the same resort, missed a year and on the fourth year he was directing us to the shops that he wanted to go to and also to the ice cream parlour he remembered from before.

Think I would probably let my child go in this situation but only for the childs sake not for the PIL but a few quiet words with the PIL would be in order and I would make certain that nothing like this would happen again. If my child did not know then I certainly would not allow this and I would make sure PIL knew that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2007 16:44

Rorytigger

Poor DD2 - both her parents will be working and her big sister will be at Disneyland Paris. Some crappy deal she's got.

You cannot allow such favouritism to go unchallenged because it will emotionally harm your children if this continues; if MIL can do this once she'll likely do it again.

Why do you think this MIL is acting as she is?. It sounds like she wants to be dominant. She will end up making these two sisters resent each other because of the overt favourtism being shown no matter how its dressed up.

You and your DH must put up a united front here and say no to DD1s trip. You could say that you as their parents would rather take your children there when you can.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2007 16:45

Parents tend to be very careful about showing favoritism to children, but grandparents often indulge their bias. Perhaps you could explain to your in-laws that you want all your children to view them as their grandparents and that you would like their help in this. Explain that it appears to you, and to your children, that they sometimes favor the older girl. Assure them that you believe they love all the children, but that their special love for the older girl interferes with the family dynamics. They might deny it, and take offence, but it is worth a try.

lisalisa · 22/10/2007 17:34

Message withdrawn

LIZS · 22/10/2007 17:53

Think I'd be saying no to dd1 for now but planning an alternative family trip there soon. Or coudl the whole trip really nto wiat until you cna all go along together ? I can understand it could be too much for MIL to have both your dd's and SIL's dd but also think that such a trip is not appropriate as a first time away from mummy overnight either, whatever the age. Allowing such behaviour now is setting a precedent for her to be divisive in future.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 22/10/2007 19:32

Both kids or nothing. It's not fair to take one and not the other.

NKF · 22/10/2007 19:37

Hmm. They're both young and two is very young for Disney I would have thought. And young to be away from home. I don't think it's so dreadful to give children separate treats at separate times. I also think it can be nice to spend some time with just the one child.

POTC · 22/10/2007 19:48

My grandparents used to take me and my sister away once a year. As soon as my younger brother was born this stopped, as no matter how old he was everyone felt it was unfair that we go and he couldn't.

As a parent myself I think that was totally the right way to deal with it and there is no way I would be letting dd1 go without dd2.

NKF · 22/10/2007 19:53

The problem with this idea that every child must have the same at the same time is that small children can end up with unsuitable things and/or older ones miss out. And it means you can't give children the one big perk of the only child - lots of one to one time. Still, each to their own etc.

Hulababy · 22/10/2007 19:53

lisalisa - my DD was a very articulate and verbal toddler, from very early on. Was definitely using sentences and recalling info by two years old. Didn't mean she was super intelligent, just good with language skills.

lomondgore · 22/10/2007 20:05

I couldn't do that to dd2, (well maybe now as she is only 4 months and wouldn't know any different) but I certainly couldn't do it to a 2 year old.

My MIL is always buying things for dd1 but never brings anything for dd2, this is unacceptable to me as she is soon going to realise. I will be saying something if it continues.

Your dd1 is going to be talking about this for a long time to come. How will you feel if dd2 turn around to you when she is a bit older and asks why she couldn't go?

Your MIL had no right to mention it to dd1 as it was your decision to make not hers.

Megsdaughter · 22/10/2007 20:27

I took DGD when was 5 and not her sibling (he is not our grandchild) he was only 2 at the time, and I thought he was to young, (we have taken both since) to be honest DGd dosnt remember a awful lot about that first trip, but does at the trip when she was 9.

miobombino · 22/10/2007 22:13

I'm with lisalisa; yes a 2yo might enjoy DL in retrospect, but before the event, what can they know ? A parent has the power to cast a separation between siblings in a good light. It's called being in control.

Btw I wouldn't do it without a buggy either, even with the best of walkers.

If I'm ever a grandmother and want to take one of my gc away for a special treat, I hope I'm not lambasted by a bunch of harpies the like of which have leapt out very swiftly tonight.

Don't get me wrong; look at the "unreasonable" thread for my opinion of my mil inparticular circumstances, but really, is it unreasonable for a mil to want to treat gc separately and according to age ?

miobombino · 22/10/2007 22:16

Sorry, look at the Gc/ help thread on this relationship section...

Baffy · 23/10/2007 10:54

lisalisa my son is now 2.2 years old and is in no way super intelligent

but he can remember events and ask for things. like 'can we see micky mouse again mummy'. that's not beyond the realms of possibility you know!

how bloody patronising!

I was giving a genuine perspective based on my own experiences of taking my son to disney. I don't need to justify that any further.

WinkyWinkola · 23/10/2007 11:34

Wow. Harpies? My word, miobombino. We do descend quickly into personal insults, don't we? No need.

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