Hand hold please - asked DP to move out

[TitaniumTess]

Hi, a few weeks ago, I asked my DP to move out. Since I was pregnant (I have a toddler daughter), he has sulked, nitpicked, accused me of having affairs etc. He has explosive shouting bouts sometimes. At its worst, he was waking me up to shout at me. He has read my diaries. So it goes on. Every party, every occasion such as xmas, I have always done something wrong. I might find out 3 weeks later but I've talked to someone else for too long or sat in.the wrong place etc. Then he shouts. I can't reason with him. If i am quiet, that's wrong. If I try to state my viewpoint, it's just fuel for more shouting.

Recently, I decided that I had had enough. Told him he needs to go. It's my property. He hasn't contributed much. I was trying to keep the family going but I can't do it any more. He has threatened to leave us probably 20 times anyway, right from birth.

He is still here though, past his own proposed deadline to move out. He said once he's got his new property, he will come to get his stuff bits at a time and when he moves his furniture out, he doesn't want me to be there. He also wants to see my daughter every day.

How do I protect my furniture and property, keep my daughter with me as that's safest and keep this as amicable as possible? I am pretty quiet and grey rock (googled technique) as he gets angry quickly. It doesn't stop so I panic and leave the house. It's happened maybe 20 times.

He can never see it. And says I am the shouty one. He says he's never done anything wrong and that everything's my fault. I just want to be able to relax in my own home. I also want a happy life for my daughter.

Stop pussy footing around this controlling nasty ass hole and get him out ASAP. I’m so glad stuff is documented with 101 and your mother. But the fact you said you want him to go AGES ago and he’s still there is just giving him more power because he’s still on control.
There is NO WAY he would get full access, but this is classic narc, abusive bastard stuff.
Good luck OP, you have got this. Do it for your daughter - she doesn’t deserve to grow up with her scaring her mother. She cannot see this is normal behaviour

Thanks everyone. My head spins now. I feel like I am losing perspective a bit.

He keeps suggesting kisses and saying how much he fancies me. I am not reacting to it but it's as though he's putting me in a position of 'let's all get back together or lose your daughter half of the week.' I will seek professional advice this week.

Go back to grey rock. Get him out.

As a single mum who was in an abusive relationship I can tell you your life will be peaceful, happier and easier without him.

He says he wants shared custody but he won't.
And he doesn't get to come to your house every day to see her, it's not how this works

He keeps asking for kisses. Crazy. And being super nice now. It's literally a different person every time the door opens.

It's time for action. Wish me luck
Xxx

Next will be angry you aren't responding the way he wants you to. The love bombing /gift giving stage is tedious once they've gone also.

Stay strong when he starts ramping up the losing your kid fear. It's all a script, millions of men have followed.

Good luck.

Why dont you just get him out...does he never go out?. Just change the locks when he goes out!. If he comes back and kicks off, call the police!.woman up!.

Good luck and get him out

So is he out or still there?

Your house not both and he’s threatening you with he has the kid all week and you weekends how’s that happening when he doesn’t have a house to go to to do that in

Call the police and tell them he won’t leave as you’ve ended the relationship or is there any family that can come over and sit till he packs up and goes

Question once he does leave what then will you just let him back in thinking it’ll all changed cos it won’t, it’s a cycle they go through from being nice to nasty and nice again.

Where are you sleeping also is he still in your bed both sleeping together. That would be stopping now cos in with the kid and repeat to him you are no longer a couple even when he says I’ll be sole carer of the kid cos it won’t happen and he knows it. Get out of that box don’t stay in it.

He's still here and being super nice. Although that changes by day.

Different rooms for mths now. He sulked off a while back and I didn't beg him back. I used to beg him back and it took so much energy.

I think we are probably going through the standard script as he still says he hasn't done anything wrong. He also tried to make out I am the bad guy which I now know as DARVO having googled this lots.

I know it's not as fast as some would like but I am making progress on this. Once he's gone, there is no way he's coming back. It will be a relief to relax in my own house and I suspect my perpetual sore throat and neck ache will also clear up.

Thanks everyone for the support. It means a lot. Xxxx

In the meantime OP, have a read of this book - I think you will find it helpful and enlightening.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I know it's not as fast as some would like but I am making progress on this. Once he's gone, there is no way he's coming back. It will be a relief to relax in my own house and I suspect my perpetual sore throat and neck ache will also clear up

Hey it's bloody hard to get them out, they rely on wearing you down so you give in because it's stressful doing it, especially when there are kids in the house. Mine used to pull the kids into a hug while crying big snotty tears into them, begging me not to take them away. It's unfair and selfish. Keep trucking, it'll be a relief when he's gone.

He does keep asking if I do want him to go. To which I say yes. But why keep asking!?

Maybe because you're only talking about it rather than doing anything? Seriously, he's already passed his deadline for leaving, he isn't going to go unless his forced, so what's stopping you calling the Police and having him removed? Where he goes is not your problem, your and your child's safety is. You could call the Police this minute couldn't you and see what they say? Be proactive.

Thanks. I've spoken to a counsellor who said he other half could take my daughter from nursery and keep her. I would need to go to courts to get access.. that freaked me out.

I spoke to a solicitor who said don't bother with them.....it would cost 1000s.....kick him out....don't worry about residency as mother wins.....

It's so confusing getting such conflicting advice from different people.

Op please trust a solicitor.

But you don't need to deal with that all at once, l can understand that you want all boxes ticked but the ONLY thing you need to do now is to get support with you and get him out.
If this were me l would wait until he had gone out, call every friend l had to come over straight away, change the locks, bin bag his things, place outside the door, and have as many people there outside waiting as l could muster to tell him to go away or the police would be called.

I am pretty sure he would cave and go, like most aggresive men he is a bully and coward.

Grab your courage for your daughters sake and please do it. Then you both will be safe. All else can be sorted after.

You have to take action, the longer it goes on the more likely it is that things will deteriorate

Listen to you solicitor. Why is your councillor feeding that particular anxiety? It's not very professional.

Technically a parent with parental responsibility could take their child out of school or nursery and refuse to give them back and it has happened.

However, it's not that common and you can put things in place with the nursery to try to avoid that. Communication with care providers is crucial as things are going on.

So you think it's likely he would do that anyway? He doesn't have a stable home. My ex tried all that crap, got social services involved getting him a house so he could have the kids live with him. (Waste of benefits he said as I wasn't claiming any). It was slow, gruelling but it ended and he didn't get any of my kids. Then he lost interest when he found a new girlfriend. They very rarely want the kids anyway, it's just an extension of their obsession with you.

Don't get caught in this anxiety over the bairn for now, he's deliberately put it there to bring you back into line. Back to being shouted at in the middle of the night even. There is a happy life waiting after him.

@TitaniumTess

I'm so sorry that you and your DD are in this horrible position, and I know you're making progress...............but it's the slowness of the progress which is drawing out the hurt and pain for both you and your DD.

I know how hard it is, I've had to do it myself. Nothing will make the final act of him being thrown out any easier, believe me.

He won't leave unless you make him !

All you are doing is prolonging the fear, hurt and dread ! You know it's over, you've told him to leave (but he won't, why should he ? when he's got free bed and board at your house ! )

I know it's terrifying, but you have to take the leap to freedom for your own sanity/ health/ mental health, as well as your DD's !

You are making things so much worse by delaying it !

Believe me, after he's finally gone, you will feel a huge weight lift ! It's such a bloody relief afterwards !

So stop putting it off ! DO IT, and take your life back today !

Everyone here on MN will be here with support and advice for what comes afterwards, but please stop putting it off !!!!

What is the work situation? I am surprised the solicitor just dismissed a contact order but it is always better to try and make this work outside court. It is best for you if you establish the pattern of majority of care and courts tend to favour the status quo. He maybe motivated by money to try to get 50/50 care as that means no cms payable.

The jekyll and Hyde characters is very common with covert narcisstic personality and it doesn't surprise me that he started to be abusive when pregnant. Usually it is when they believe you are vulnerable such as after marriage or pregnancy.

It usually takes longer to recover from an abusive relationship ending than a normal relationship so don't rush recovery. It will also be difficult whilst he is in your life as a parent. It is not usually possible to co parent with someone disordered so you have to parallel parent. Be aware he is also likely to meet someone else quickly and depending on the new person he will change how he is.

He's swinging between these states of mind because he is trying to emotionally manipulate you.
It's not logical, so don't try and work it out
He's lost control when you're doing the grey rock (good approach) but now he's trying to regain control of you and the situation by trying to make you second guess yourself. It is gas lighting and something my mum did to me growing up.
He's trying to guilt trip you by kissing you and telling you he fancies you. I'm not disputing the fact that he finds you attractive, btw

Set a date and tell him you want him out by ex date, then log it with the police, they will attend the house and ensure he leaves. Book a locksmith to change the locks at the same time.

Tell him that he can take you to court for access, he'll have to go via mediation etc to do this. I bet my bottom dollar he won't as he's just trying to scare you.

Your counsellor sounds nuts!

Does he even know what nursery she goes to cos I’ll bet he doesn’t or if he does he won’t think to go there to much effort for him.

New lockdown in place time to get him out and have a new you too.

Hi. Yes he knows the nursery.

I will give him a deadline to leave. I feel trapped still though. It's stay in this situation which I know I can't do and never relax at home or lose my daughter for a large wedge of the week. I am gutted. :( xxx

why are you still in this situation ?

because you have allowed it OP

no it is not the choice you've presented there, OP. He has addled your mind and you are believing his shite.

Take one step at a time. First, get him to move out. Get help to do this.

Then look at contact arrangements and tell him what you will agree. Once you feel he is stable and has somewhere to take her. If you don't trust him with her, let him take you to court. Trust me, he won't bother.

Take the Solicitors advice

You have to act now OP. Some of your posts are scary. The abuse is escalating & I'm concerned he could really hurt you. What is stopping you from calling the police or getting your family to help remove the abuser from your home? If you jointly owned the property then your choices would be much more limited & you couldn't remove him. Many of us have been in that situation where the abuser is co-owner & legally entitled to come & go as they please. This is not your situation, it is your home, not his. Get him out before you or DD get hurt!