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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hand hold please - asked DP to move out

119 replies

TitaniumTess · 12/12/2020 07:14

Hi, a few weeks ago, I asked my DP to move out. Since I was pregnant (I have a toddler daughter), he has sulked, nitpicked, accused me of having affairs etc. He has explosive shouting bouts sometimes. At its worst, he was waking me up to shout at me. He has read my diaries. So it goes on. Every party, every occasion such as xmas, I have always done something wrong. I might find out 3 weeks later but I've talked to someone else for too long or sat in.the wrong place etc. Then he shouts. I can't reason with him. If i am quiet, that's wrong. If I try to state my viewpoint, it's just fuel for more shouting.

Recently, I decided that I had had enough. Told him he needs to go. It's my property. He hasn't contributed much. I was trying to keep the family going but I can't do it any more. He has threatened to leave us probably 20 times anyway, right from birth.

He is still here though, past his own proposed deadline to move out. He said once he's got his new property, he will come to get his stuff bits at a time and when he moves his furniture out, he doesn't want me to be there. He also wants to see my daughter every day.

How do I protect my furniture and property, keep my daughter with me as that's safest and keep this as amicable as possible? I am pretty quiet and grey rock (googled technique) as he gets angry quickly. It doesn't stop so I panic and leave the house. It's happened maybe 20 times.

He can never see it. And says I am the shouty one. He says he's never done anything wrong and that everything's my fault. I just want to be able to relax in my own home. I also want a happy life for my daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 12/12/2020 08:44

Hi, sorry, i think I've confused ppl with how I phrased the first post. Just one daughter. But the shouting and sulking started when I was pregnant. Big sulks over things like crossing the road.

Meals cancelled as a punishment. I got a message once saying the treat lunch I didn't even know about had been cancelled because of something tiny I had done.

Tiny things round the house become big issues. If anything good happens to me, he sulks. I get punished sometimes with not being spoken to on a family day out.

Most days out there's just me and my daughter so we just carry on.

I just want the feeling of fear and the unknown gone. You're all right that I need to line up professional support. I understand now what happened in the past. I can see the patterns. I couldn't at the time. I just need to get him out now. Xx

OP posts:

suggestionsplease1 · 12/12/2020 08:46

He will have been gradually eroding your boundaries so that precedents have been set and it becomes harder to call out those levels of behaviour. And then it just gradually escalates. My friend was turning into a shell of herself. Please don't let it happen to you. Stay safe, have others with you, get police involved I think may be right way forward.

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 12/12/2020 08:48

silverribbonxmastree, sorry to hear. That sounds awful and frustrating. I hope that you can get your things. Xxx

OP posts:

Techway · 12/12/2020 08:54

Op, the hardest part of an abusive relationship is to recognise that there is no point in trying to have a rationale discussion with him as his thinking is disordered. He doesn't want there to be a mutually beneficial outcome, he wants to win and winning to him is you being controlled by his moods.

I am so glad you have a supportive mum who gets it. You are fortunate that he has no rights over the home so whilst he can threaten it's unlikely he will achieve much.
Let him be petty over items, he is likely to want the things that will cause you most discomfort to be without so try to be neutral over any discussions.

Omeara · 12/12/2020 08:55

You need to speak to a solicitor about a residency order and visitation schedule for your daughter as well.

Alternista · 12/12/2020 09:01

If it’s your home then you need to tell him, calmly, that he needs to he gone by a set time. Have someone else with you when you tell him. If he gets aggressive at ALL, you ring the police. That’s how you get free.

It’s your house, yes? Personally I would follow it up with a civil text so you’ve got something in writing. Dear Steve, due to your volatile behaviour towards me, on 1/11/20 I ended our relationship and asked you to leave my house. We agreed you would leave by 01/12/20 but you have not done so. As discussed today, for the sake of our daughter I have given you extra time, but now the time has come when things must move on. Please vacate by 15/12/20 at 5pm. The locks will be changed after this time and any belongings left behind will be disposed of. I realise this is not the ending that either of us had hoped for and am sad at how things have turned out. I hope that we can remain civil for the sake of and wish you well in the future.

Alternista · 12/12/2020 09:02

You need to start building a clear trial of:
His unreasonable behaviour
Your actions
And you must escalate it when he kicks off. Other agencies need to see that you’re living in fear.

Kalula · 12/12/2020 09:10

Do you have any burly brothers or friends/acquaintances/neighbours/rellies? Get them around and put the fear of God into him, tell him they will make sure he packs his things right now and will not leave until he leaves the property. If it comes to this, then so be it, you use whoever you can to get him out. Things have already escalated to the limit so what do you have to lose. You need him out right now, and if he needs frogmarching out by some men, that's what you have to do.

Goldensnitchy · 12/12/2020 09:16

And don’t let him have the house by himself when he clears out his belongings (if he is even planning on doing this) as he will take everything that isn’t nailed down that he wants without a doubt... and do involve the police so you have a record.

Get male friends or relatives round with you.
, and could ideally your mum look after your daughter elsewhere when he goes? And remember to change the locks.

Also keep safe somewhere your and daughter’s passports, any important documents and anything you would be screwed if he took. Copies of any financial documents etc.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/12/2020 09:33

I’d agree that it would be a good idea to get the police involved. They have specialist dv teams that have expertise
I’d also get some advice on what is appropriate as far as contact is concerned - maybe women’s aid can help with that. Then offer that. Keep everything relating to your DD in writing and once he is gone don’t respond to any communications from him about anything else
Wishing you all the best

goldenharvest · 12/12/2020 10:14

You need expert advice with this. I'm worried someone like this will flare up and be violent towards you. He is volatile and violent so I would contact woman's aid to ask the best way to do this. Consider getting a family member (male) with you and just telling him to leave then changing all the locks. Staying with him is dangerous and so is splitting up. Please take care.

moirarosebabay · 12/12/2020 13:23

He is abusive and dangerous. Get as much support as possible to get him out as soon as possible. Get help from women's aid and the police. They will and should help you. Women are killed by these types of men. This isn't being dramatic, it very much needed to keep you and your daughter safe. His abuse is thriving keeping you scared of him. I'm sure there will be times when he is nice and that will make you feel as if maybe it's not abuse but it is. They keep you trapped in an nice/nasty cycle and get what they want by not being vile all of the time. Your home should be a safe happy sanctuary and you will be so happy once he is out of it. 5 years on I still appreciate being without my abusive ex. Please get the police and women's aid to help you. Getting him out of YOUR house is the most dangerous time for you. I hope you get him out soon and get to be happy, living in your home without fear. He sounds vile.

moirarosebabay · 12/12/2020 13:26

Also second what the previous poster says about him taking everything that isn't nailed down. My ex stripped the house-made everything as difficult as possible once he realised I wasn't changing my mind this time and he couldn't weasel his way back in with more empty promises. He switched up to a nastiness I had never seen before from him. Get the police to help you.

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 12/12/2020 14:30

Thanks all. The problem is that it's easy to keep level when he's being nice.

When he starts shouting and follows me round the house or to the front door...I just panic now. Chemicals run through my body. I start to think maybe it's me and I need someone to tell me it's all OK.

OP posts:

suggestionsplease1 · 12/12/2020 17:07

@TitaniumTess

Thanks all. The problem is that it's easy to keep level when he's being nice.

It's not you. I can pretty much guarantee that.

But let's just for one crazy second entertain that 'it is you'- whatever that means. Let's pretend you are completely unreasonable, you provoke him, push him, taunt him into whatever behaviours he displays - that's still a dysfunctional relationship and not good for him or for you, is it? And especially not good for your child. Why would he or you want to stay in a relationship where that is your experience of each other?

It's not you, and even if in some bizarre parallel universe it was it would still be right to end it and get him out.

Whatever way he is trying to spin this, it is still entirely dysfunctional isn't it? It's still harmful for your daughter.

In your first post you talk about trying to be amicable - he has counted on you being amicable to keep you in place, work around you and manipulate situations to his advantage. You are having to appease him to keep yourself safe and are being squashed into the ground in the process. That's a horrible way to live.

Please speak to the police and other organisations mentioned here about how they can help you get him out of the house safely.

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 12/12/2020 18:00

Thanks suggestionsplease1. I am pretty sure normally it's not me. I don't just shout at people. I try to resolve issues.

I just don't know which character I am walking into on a given day. He quickly changes from one to the other too.

I understand your logic though - a fresh way to look at it. Thanks for the advice. X

OP posts:

FreesiaFairy · 12/12/2020 19:17

Your situation sounds a bit like mine a few months ago. I really hope you are able to get him out. You will feel so much better and will be able to live a happy positive life with your daughter. Good luck xxxx

Appleofmyeye05 · 12/12/2020 23:38

Wait till he’s at work then pack his stuff and drop it round at his mums.

If anything is his then yes give it to him but if it’s your then you keep it. You need to keep all the essential stuff regardless of who paid as you have a child. Seen as though he’s barely contributed to the house he should have a lot saved up, right?

It’s his problem to solve now. It will take big guts to get him out (this is the way I got my ex out) but it’s so worth it.

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 01/01/2021 19:56

Update:- this hasn't gone well...he's still here...He is moving out. It's mostly peaceful and Grey Rock helps but he's now saying he wants access all week to our daughter with me having weekend access. I am devastated. He's had another hour's conversation of confusion where he says I was the shouty one....denies doing anything wrong.....but if I point out specifics, says I did need telling, and says he wants at least half access. My legs have been shaking.

OP posts:

Purplethrow · 01/01/2021 20:08

I’m so sorry Op , it’s horrible being in this situation, I’ve been in your shoes . Please call women’s aid , they are fantastic and will help you.
My ex wouldn’t move out, I called the police and they were also brilliant.
You can’t do this alone and all his wanting to see your dc is just to abuse you further, he probably has no real interest in seeing them but is using this to keep you scared.
Please call women’s aid. Xx

gobbynorthernbird · 01/01/2021 20:12

He is never going to move out voluntarily so you can either live with this utter shite forever, or call the police/change the locks when he's out.

evenBetter · 01/01/2021 20:13

Him and his words are worthless, don’t give him an audience. When he stands intimidating you and screaming you need to call the police like you’ve been told to. You’ve left it so there is no documentation of his abuse and so there’s no protection in place for the poor kid burdened with that specimen for a father. This needs to change, beyond urgently.

gamerchick · 01/01/2021 20:13

@TitaniumTess

They always always threaten to take the kids in some form. ALWAYS OP. It's just a way of making you feel fear and back down.

Just focus on getting him out and then go to court for contact arrangements /maintenance. It's probably going to be horrible but they usually can't be arsed as they don't really want sole charge of a kid.

Log every single thing and dont worry about how he feels and stop engaging. If he finds something to hook you with it'll be relentless.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 01/01/2021 20:14

In case it hasn't been said already - make sure he can't get his hands on anything irreplacable like fotos, harddisks, papers, memorablilia etc.

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 01/01/2021 20:21

Thanks all. Passports, photos, etc are already at parents' houses. Xx

OP posts:

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