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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hand hold please - asked DP to move out

119 replies

TitaniumTess · 12/12/2020 07:14

Hi, a few weeks ago, I asked my DP to move out. Since I was pregnant (I have a toddler daughter), he has sulked, nitpicked, accused me of having affairs etc. He has explosive shouting bouts sometimes. At its worst, he was waking me up to shout at me. He has read my diaries. So it goes on. Every party, every occasion such as xmas, I have always done something wrong. I might find out 3 weeks later but I've talked to someone else for too long or sat in.the wrong place etc. Then he shouts. I can't reason with him. If i am quiet, that's wrong. If I try to state my viewpoint, it's just fuel for more shouting.

Recently, I decided that I had had enough. Told him he needs to go. It's my property. He hasn't contributed much. I was trying to keep the family going but I can't do it any more. He has threatened to leave us probably 20 times anyway, right from birth.

He is still here though, past his own proposed deadline to move out. He said once he's got his new property, he will come to get his stuff bits at a time and when he moves his furniture out, he doesn't want me to be there. He also wants to see my daughter every day.

How do I protect my furniture and property, keep my daughter with me as that's safest and keep this as amicable as possible? I am pretty quiet and grey rock (googled technique) as he gets angry quickly. It doesn't stop so I panic and leave the house. It's happened maybe 20 times.

He can never see it. And says I am the shouty one. He says he's never done anything wrong and that everything's my fault. I just want to be able to relax in my own home. I also want a happy life for my daughter.

OP posts:
TitaniumTess · 01/01/2021 20:25

He's been doing big crying bouts saying he's losing everything he ever wanted and wants access to our daughter all the time.

He was swinging between denying things that happened, saying I shout, saying I deserved it after him telling me the same thing over and over again, and then being nice and saying how I can go for tea. I feel like I am putting bits of my brain back inside my head right now. Xx

OP posts:
Purplethrow · 01/01/2021 20:36

All abusers follow the same script and the police, courts etc have heard it all before, be prepared for him to threaten to kill him self if the tears don’t work.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 01/01/2021 20:38

Put your foot down to this narcissistic ball bag. He's just trying to get in your head more and hurt you even more by trying to take your daughter away from you. Don't allow him to.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/01/2021 20:39

You are clearly frightened of him. You panic and shake because your instincts are telling you he is dangerous.
He needs to be gone. He needs to have a date on which he needs to have moved out by, and you can ask the police to attend in the absence of protection from your own family.
In practical terms, is there anyone in his family who can help get him out and calm him down? His mum? I think you should explain that you are scared of him, that he's refusing to leave and you will have to call the police if he doesn't go. If it';s your house, he has no right to stay there. If he's threatened you you can ask for a non-molestation order.
It doesn't matter what he says, whether he agrees or not, it's your house and you want him out. Even if you were the shouty one, you still don't have to live with him. You don't have to have a reason for ending the relationship.
As far as your daughter is concerned, probably best if he doesn't see her at your house. He's unlikely to get residency unless he's been her main carer, and it doesn't sound as if he has been.

glitterfarts · 01/01/2021 20:44

Call the police and get his abuse documented or he could end up with your DD 50/50 and it isn't in her interest to be with an abusive man.

Pick up the phone. Tell them you'd broken up with an abusive boyfriend 3 weeks ago, he's refusing to leave and its your house.

Stop pussyfooting around him. Get him out tonight.

SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 20:45

Please start following the advice on here and start listening. He isn't reasonable he wants control and power. Not friendship or win/win or your daughters happiness. You also need outside help so stop tackling this on your own and do EVERYTHING in writing once he's out. I like the idea of burly family members. The police are great but there's nothing like a few men standing around wanting to lamp you if you hurt their family member to 'motivate' cowards like this. It's actually a very effective strategy even if you're not 'that type of family'. It's working on his level instead of trying to work on the level you think he should be at (reasonable etc).

And by leaving you with the child all week and him wanting her every weekend he gets to pay hardly any maintenance but more importantly it totally messes with your ability to work AND you never get fun times with her. Doctors, dentists, sick days - it's all on you. While he gets weekends and quality time and makes money and makes sure you don't. It's just another way to screw up your life.

So get your family in and get him out. Now. This weekend. Change the locks and see a solicitor. You might think being soft makes you a nice person but in the kindest way possible it makes you a less good mum if you allow this to continue and allow him to dictate the terms because it does impact her. Enough already.

You should start recording him too. He's not mentally stable and you should be clear with him that his access to his daughter depends entirely on his behaviour. Nasty abusive controlling behaviour to you means he can't be trusted with her. His choice - behave decently there's co operation. Behave like a prick there's not.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 01/01/2021 20:45

Hi OP, I completely agree with what everyone is s

TitaniumTess · 01/01/2021 20:47

His family isn't local. His Mum died a while back.

It's amazing how quickly you doubt yourself when someone's running you round the track. I know what happened though and have it jotted down. I know my truth. I have never been shouty in my life.

OP posts:
DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 01/01/2021 20:50

Sent that a bit quickly, sorry! It’s time for you to get your sleeves rolled up & get him out once and for all. Get a few of your male relatives/friends and tell him he is leaving today (obviously not tday). Remind him he has already over stayed the date he had agreed to leave. Get your mum to look after your daughter and tell him your family will help him pack but he is leaving tday no ifs or buts & tell him if he cannot leave amicably you will be requesting police assistance. He needs to see you are serious and that you are not alone. Give him

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 01/01/2021 20:55

Sorry! My phone is playing up. Give him a timeframe by which he needs to have packed up & left. Be clear about what he can & cant take. It’s time to show him you are more than capable of standing up for yourself. If you can try and get someone to stay with you for a few days he needs to see you are not alone and get your family to come round more often and don’t forget start the log of his abusive behaviour. You want dates/time etc. You can do this OP x

gamerchick · 01/01/2021 20:58

@Purplethrow

All abusers follow the same script and the police, courts etc have heard it all before, be prepared for him to threaten to kill him self if the tears don’t work.
Yep, then comes the love bombing and then the anger part. It's tedious and tiresum but please ring the police if he steps out of line and don't for a second let him think he's got to you... Because he'll rinse it until you feel shredded and give in.
TitaniumTess · 01/01/2021 21:00

Thanks. He suggested the week for him and the weekend for me which seemed odd.....!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/01/2021 21:08

He doesn't mean it, he just wants to freak you out.

Grey rock all the way. It'll be bumpy for a while but it's worth doing.

RandomMess · 01/01/2021 21:09

He's using it as a bullying tactic so you back down and beg him to stay.

If you are primary care the most the courts would award him is 50:50 care. It's just another thing he is saying to emotionally abuse you.

Thanks
TitaniumTess · 01/01/2021 22:09

He does keep asking if I do want him to go. To which I say yes. But why keep asking!? That bit is done.

OP posts:
TeaAndHobnob · 01/01/2021 22:19

Mate, you need to get some support, you can't struggle with him alone.

Have you called women's aid? I know it seems like an escalation, but please call them. Victims of domestic abuse are entitled to legal aid - women's aid can gatekeep this for you. You may want to look into getting an occupation order via solicitor - it's your house, not his, he doesn't get to dictate the timetable.

This way his abuse is on record with a verified agency and this might help you if he tries for custody. But please get support from someone, you're obviously frightened of him.

TitaniumTess · 01/01/2021 22:44

Thanks everyone. I've got the situation logged with 101. I've got notes of various situations that have happened logged with my Mum.

It still makes me panic when he starts though and because he says it's me, I worry that other people will believe him. X

OP posts:
pippiphooray1 · 01/01/2021 22:56

@TitaniumTess - you need to put his stuff outside the front door and change the locks. Seriously, why are you putting up with this shit? Men always tell women that they will get custody, but that makes him a blustering buffoon. Your child is witnessing this, why are you allowing this? He needs to be gone. Find your roar.

evenBetter · 01/01/2021 22:58

Can your child stay somewhere safer while he remains abusing you in your house? The scum needs arrested.

dublingirl66 · 01/01/2021 23:15

Poor you this was me 3 years ago

It is so so hard

No reasoning will help

Get him out
Get police to help if you need to
He must go
Log everything
Get in touch with WA
Keep a log for court later

No way can an abuser have a child most of the week this is nonsense
Push for supervised visits

It is so so hard
I'm still recovering but mumsnet was fab and the advice was just what I needed

Best wishes and keep posting !!!

TitaniumTess · 02/01/2021 05:00

Thanks everyone. It is so hard. Any conversation spirals into different topics where I am meant to justify things that have happened in the past.

He genuinely has himself down as the perfect guy who has done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
TitaniumTess · 02/01/2021 05:09

He's also been sending messages saying he never wanted it to end.

Mostly, he's never been interested in family days out. There's loads where I've been by myself because he's sulked or just not wanted to come along.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 02/01/2021 08:47

Get your family round and get him out. Now. Ignore threats of suicide, he’s being abusive.

TitaniumTess · 02/01/2021 09:01

He's acting like model Dad now. It's so up and down. He's saying he still fancies me too.....eurgh.....

I will map out a plan today. Thanks everyone. Here really helps. Xxx

OP posts:
REignbow · 02/01/2021 09:45

@TitaniumTess I’m unsure as to why you haven’t contacted the police? Why haven’t used asked family to pressure him to leave. You’ll be less confused, when he’s gone. He’s playing mind games and mentally torturing you.

If you can’t do this for yourself, then do this for your daughter. Call the police and tell them it’s your home and he’s refusing to leave.

If you are scared, don’t tell him.

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