Rock bottom

[dreamersday]

For some reason this week I’ve just become broken. I’ve spent the last ten years hopeful I would find love. I’ve built a life for myself but it’s so fucking lonely. I’ve got a dog, friends, family. I have hobbies, a job. Had therapy. I lost a fiancé and had a miscarriage about 8 years ago and I wonder if I am still lost because of that. But I have therapy and Ive carried on with life. I’ve travelled. I’ve had short relationships. But basically nobody has ever loved me enough to want me in their life for the long run.

I don’t know what’s happened this week but I am just broken now. I’m fed up. The last few people I spoke to online dating announced half way through chats that they are planning on moving aboard in a year or two years what’s the fucking point. Others have been rude and entitled and it just all feels about a million times worse than dating when I was younger.

I don’t want to do a family thing alone. I feel like I’m just unloveable. Do people sometimes think that they’re just not meant for some things, for whatever reason, even though you can’t see the reason? It really feels like this now.

Just needed to rant sorry. Everything feels so shit

I am sorry you're feeling so down. Do you think the time of year is making your mood lower and making you feel more alone? It's the Hallmark romantic claptrap that abounds at Christmas that highlights how lonely some people are. I'm single but I've chosen to be that way. I'd say that's 50% because I don't think it's meant for me because no one ever wants me for long, and because I can't be doing with relationships and prefer being on my own. I do have 3 dc though so I feel like I wouldn't have time did a relationship anyway. I have in the past but OLD was dire and depressing. I totally get where you are coming from but I don't have any advice, just solidarity

Thanks. I don’t think it’s the time of year, I’ve felt like this for a long time but it’s come to a head this week. If I had known life would turn out like this I would have ended it a long time ago. I definitely can’t face another ten years plus of this all over again

Christmas makes everything seem worse when you're not particularly happy. Soppy films on TV, all the adverts showing happy families - it's not reflective of most people's real life, remember.

This has been a tough year for everyone as well, so look to 2021, the end of the pandemic (hopefully) and a new start.

I doubt very much that you are unlovable! You're just fed up. Once restrictions lift, even online dating will be easier. At least you can meet up and discard the knobheads without wasting too much time. With everything being conducted online, it's difficult to sort the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

Just get through Christmas and once we're on the other side, life will be easier.

I think you have 3 choices really.

To take a break from dating and go back to it later.
To give up on dating entirely.
To try even harder to find the right person.

I'm not sure which one it is for you

Just the same as festive said, really. I am lucky. I have 2 DC from 2 different failed relationships, so I am not alone as such, but they are growing fast and it isn't the same as having a partner by your side.

I have thought a lot like you recently. That I'll never have that because there is something wrong with me that makes me unlovable or that no one will ever want me (or has wanted me enough to stick around).

I haven't done OLD or done anything pro-active about it because, although I get sad and lonely sometimes; and feel faulty and unworthy - I also can't face the thought of going through it all again and the vulnerability again and the heartbreak again.

I look around me sometimes at friends in seemingly happy relationships (or at lest functioning relationships) and I can recognise that some of the partners in them are difficult people to live with for various reasons. Not bad people at all, but flawed like all of us (this is meant factually, not unkindly) and yet their OHs don't give up and leave them.

Yet mine did.

So there must be something seriously wrong with me?

I’m too old anyway to ever have the whole package of house buying, engagement, wedding, family etc. I have to say goodbye to all that now. I’m just so sad about it. I wish I hadn’t had to live the last few year, it’s just been deep loneliness watching everyone around me build lives. I’ve built a life alone and sat on the sidelines and I’ve had enough now.

That didn't really help, I know dreamer. I'm just saying I know how you feel.

Even down to not wanting another 10/20 years of feeling like this. I'm stuck though. I have children who need me around and who I couldn't abandon even when they're all grown up. So I just have to push through the feeling.

It hurts. I know. I'm sorry I have no advice!

Yes it’s real, been on my own nearly 20 yrs, forget the folk that say you’ll find someone, er why so long then.
I have sons nearly 30 and 32, and I’m 58, I feel invisible now.
Don’t semelle for what you don’t want.

@maudspellbody yes that’s how I feel. I’ve friends who have severe mental health problems, friends who don’t work as they can’t be bothered, friends who have cheated, one who has been married three times.

It makes me feel like my destiny was always this loneliness and I just can’t face it.

I just want to not wake up. I don’t want to not be here but everyday is a struggle. I have therapy and all is ok but honestly I just can’t be fucked with this life anymore. I hate it. No amount of travelling or hobbies or whatever is going to change that.

I would add, though dreamers, because I think it's important...

I know how I'm feeling isn't right and isn't healthy, so I'm starting back on the anti-depressants and therapy.

It doesn't take away the loneliness or 'fix' the problem, but you can't keep feeling the way you do. It's dangerous. You are worthwhile and important to the world just as everyone is.

And I know people say that to me and I say 'apart from my immediate family to HAVE to love me, exactly WHO am I important to?' But that is faulty thinking too. Everyone is important - and you would say so to anyone else who feels the way you do.
So don't ignore it or accept the feeling. You are special. Everyone is. And you are worth. Because everyone is.
X

@dreamersday

I just want to not wake up. I don’t want to not be here but everyday is a struggle. I have therapy and all is ok but honestly I just can’t be fucked with this life anymore. I hate it. No amount of travelling or hobbies or whatever is going to change that.

I hear this too.

I have explained it to my therapist as not actively wanting to die, but just not wanting to wake up again tomorrow thinking 'oh shit. Another day. Here we go again.'

It's depression though. That's almost exactly what depression is. It's not the truth and there will be better days.

(This is me convincing myself at the same time I'm trying to convince you. We're sort of in this together now, I'm afraid)

I just don’t believe it will get better anymore. 8 years I’ve been like this.8 years of failed relationships or times of focusing on my life only to have nobody to share it with. How will it get better? It won’t. I will just face endless days of other people’s celebrations and I will go home alone and to bed alone. I honestly wish I could disappear.

I would say it does sound like you have depression dreamersday.
I felt like you do when I was 'happily' married.
I think you need to go and see your GP.

Being single and having your life (which obviously has been very difficult during 2020) is not the reason you don't want to wake up, there is something deeper going on.

Please ask you GP for help.

@itsoffical but it is loneliness. Even if it’s depresison it’s caused by being lonely. Not just literally lonely but lonely in the sense that I have nothing shared with my peers anymore. Lonely in the sense that I feel I’ve mossed out on something I wanted to much. I wanted a marriage. I know it isn’t a magic fix to life but I wanted to experience it. Even if I took anti depressants, how would that fix the real problems? Nobody can magic up a happy and strong relationship.

[quote dreamersday]@itsoffical but it is loneliness. Even if it’s depresison it’s caused by being lonely. Not just literally lonely but lonely in the sense that I have nothing shared with my peers anymore. Lonely in the sense that I feel I’ve mossed out on something I wanted to much. I wanted a marriage. I know it isn’t a magic fix to life but I wanted to experience it. Even if I took anti depressants, how would that fix the real problems? Nobody can magic up a happy and strong relationship.[/quote]
I get this. I really do. I hear it and feel it too.
But giving up is not a option.
There are also plenty of people who will tell you how lonely they feel in their relationships, so it isn't that simple either.

But it sounds like you are feeling the loss of something. Something you feel you should have had. And that causes grief.

Loneliness is a killer. It really is.

You can't let it win, though.

I'm not sure what the answer is. I really did. I wish I could conjure you up your perfect life partner.

I know it doesn't help, but I'm willing you on. It could happen yet. It could. It is the loss of hope that is the killer. Try not to. Just try. Give yourself more time.

What does your therapist say?

Thanks @maudspellbody I feel far too old now for anything though. It seems to have all passed me by.

I'm sorry to read your posts OP. I have nothing wise to say. It bloody hurts being lonely, it's a vile, spirit breaking miserable way to live and we are not meant to be unloved.

I do believe ante depressants would help you avoid the worst lows and let you get more pleasure in the good bits.

Therapist thinks I’m doing all I can and you can’t magic up someone to be with. She puts a lot on Covid for the drastic change in my attitude this last week but it’s not Covid. I’ve just got to the end of the road with trying to find someone.

I get the whole 'blaming COVID' thing too. I am getting that from a lot of people. It is true that being in lockdown on your own is miserable, but I think it is only a magnifying glass on an existing situation.

My DC help, but also don't - because it's like what you say about living your best life and filling it with things, but having no one to share them with.

Raising my DC without sharing that with someone is hard too.

It's so bloody tough and I'm sorry you are feeling so low.

Just keep talking and don't disappear.

Hi dreamersday,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when we notice people are feeling as you do we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We very much hope life will feel a bit brighter for you soon
and

@maudspellbody thank you for being there. It means loads to me even though we have never met.

I just don’t know if I can drag myself out of it this time. I honestly hate waking up. I hate filling my days with endless shit. I don’t want another day alone. I would even have preferred a marriage and divorce in the last 8 years than this nothingness. I’ve just had enough. Life honestly seems to have passed me by.