Rock bottom

[dreamersday]

For some reason this week I’ve just become broken. I’ve spent the last ten years hopeful I would find love. I’ve built a life for myself but it’s so fucking lonely. I’ve got a dog, friends, family. I have hobbies, a job. Had therapy. I lost a fiancé and had a miscarriage about 8 years ago and I wonder if I am still lost because of that. But I have therapy and Ive carried on with life. I’ve travelled. I’ve had short relationships. But basically nobody has ever loved me enough to want me in their life for the long run.

I don’t know what’s happened this week but I am just broken now. I’m fed up. The last few people I spoke to online dating announced half way through chats that they are planning on moving aboard in a year or two years what’s the fucking point. Others have been rude and entitled and it just all feels about a million times worse than dating when I was younger.

I don’t want to do a family thing alone. I feel like I’m just unloveable. Do people sometimes think that they’re just not meant for some things, for whatever reason, even though you can’t see the reason? It really feels like this now.

Would you consider doing something drastic like becoming a foster mum or adopting. You will be so frantically busy and committed that you might focus less on loneliness and that's often when someone comes into your life. Also, you will be doing something really positive and it will bring you into contact with all sorts of people. I know it's not the fairytale but it will definitely fill up your life. I speak from experience xx

@maudspellbody I’m also sorry you are feeling a similar way. Sorry, I should have acknowledged that sooner. Wallowing too much in my own pity party here - I’m sorry.

Oh goodness, dreamer, don't worry about me! But thank you for the thought.
I'm fine. I have no choice but to keep on going, so I do.

And I'm trying to think of things that help.

It's all the things that everyone will tell you to do and everything you are already doing. Giving your life purpose with something (I am politically active, I have the children, I have hobbies...) and thinking of the positives of being single (I have a list that I add to when I think of them.)

The problem with all of those little tricks and ideas are that they don't work if you're depressed. Because you'll look at your busy days and your list of positives and think 'so what? Still lonely'

And I know, because I do it myself. It gets to the point where it feels pointless and like you are doing things for the sake of doing them - because someone told you you would feel better if you did.

So I get the frame of mind completely - and I know how many times I've had that exact conversation with my own therapist - I've made a list of all these things I should feel thankful for and all the things I have filled my life with - and now what? I don't feel better. I feel worse because now I feel ungrateful on top of everything else. Ungrateful and guilty because despite having my health and my hobbies and..., I am still sad and lonely and feel like it's all pointless. So does that make me self-pitying and ungrateful on top of everything else?

The truth is, though, that I'm not always in that frame of mind. I'm back on my meds and the fog is lifting, so I'm a few steps ahead of you now.

Yes, I'm still lonely and still feeling a lot of the same things as before. And there is still no solution to the 'I'm going to die alone and lonely' problem, which is at the core of my thinking a lot of the time' but... BUT... I can look at the positives list and start to see them as positive rather than neutral. If I just let a tiny sliver of sunshine in, I can enjoy things.

Depression robs you of the ability to enjoy things you usually enjoy. So, of course, if you are depressed then looking at the bright side doesn't work because there IS no bright side.

I'm not saying medication is the solution. I just know that for me, today, I'm enjoying little things and I'm not feeling so desperate for the first time in a long time.

So just give it some thought. I understand the feeling of relentlessness, but consider some more help. Please.

Anti depressants don’t fix the real problem, they can’t do that, but they can help you to cope. I won’t bore you with my relationship history but suffice to say it’s been a disaster! I’m now 51 and have totally given up on all that. Honestly I planned to stick it out till 60 (because I do have DC who would be 40 by then) and I was going to end it. I even had it all planned. Big party which everyone would have thought was to celebrate my 60th but in my head it would be my goodbye, and then I was going to do it. I won’t go into any more details but it was an in depth plan.

I then finally found anti depressants that worked for me and I no longer have that plan. You’re right in that it doesn’t change anything in one way. I still feel lonely sometimes and wonder what the point of everything is. But I cannot imagine ending my life now. I can appreciate small things. I can have some optimism that I will be ok. I can be more objective and think well i know people stuck in shit relationships and I know that would be worse.

I agree with everything Maud has said and I very much relate.

@Meruem

Anti depressants don’t fix the real problem, they can’t do that, but they can help you to cope. I won’t bore you with my relationship history but suffice to say it’s been a disaster! I’m now 51 and have totally given up on all that. Honestly I planned to stick it out till 60 (because I do have DC who would be 40 by then) and I was going to end it. I even had it all planned. Big party which everyone would have thought was to celebrate my 60th but in my head it would be my goodbye, and then I was going to do it. I won’t go into any more details but it was an in depth plan.

I then finally found anti depressants that worked for me and I no longer have that plan. You’re right in that it doesn’t change anything in one way. I still feel lonely sometimes and wonder what the point of everything is. But I cannot imagine ending my life now. I can appreciate small things. I can have some optimism that I will be ok. I can be more objective and think well i know people stuck in shit relationships and I know that would be worse.

I agree with everything Maud has said and I very much relate.

I think you said what I wanted to say a lot better.

As I said - I sit between the two positions at the moment. I am dragging myself out of the black hole, but I'm not far enough off the bottom yet to see as clearly as you can.

I am getting the feeling that I must be rising, though, because it's still dark, but there are glimmers of something else too. And that gives you hope.

Hope is all you need in the end.

Not hope of a happy relationship -I've given up on that one - but hope that there is life without one.

It takes a lot of grief and acceptance to get there. It's painful.

Meruem thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you are still here.

Just as an aside, my DM married by Step Dad when she was 60. She had a lot of decades of loneliness.

Hope. You just need to keep the hope that your life will have meaning in one form or another. Maybe just not the form you hoped for and wanted so badly.

Not sure that helps, either!

I may just be spouting gibberish by now...

How old are you OP? I'm 44. Every October my mood dips despite taking Prozac. My depression manifests more in irritability and the Prozac really helps with that but cone mid October there's a huge drop literally overnight. I've discovered it's vitamin d deficiency so I strongly recommend you take a high dose vit d like Hux D3 that's prescription strength but they will sell you at Boots. My GP won't test for vit d anymore because I'm white and live in the UK so research says I'm sure to be deficient and previous tests when I worked at a GP practice in Manchester showed severe deficiency. The supplements really help. I ache less and my mood is much improved. I'm a qualified nurse and if you were my patient I'd definitely be recommending a course of anti-depressants as you need your chemical balance shifting in order for you to be able to cope better with things. They aren't a miracle cure but I do believe you will benefit from them. It's worth a try surely? Combined with the therapy you will hopefully feel much better about things. Forget a relationship for now snd concentrate on loving yourself.

I think I probably could benefit from medication, it just seems like I’m stuck. How do you get over the fact you lost a fiancé and had a miscarriage, and go on to have a very lonely life? It hurts. Not being without my ex but being without anyone. It seems to happen so easily for everyone else

I know the feeling - as I've said - I feel as you do.

But rationally, when you really think about it, you know it isn't easy for everyone. Lots of people are in our situation, despite being lovable, thoughtful people with lots to give. Plenty more have settled for someone to avoid how we are feeling - and that's not a happy way to live either. Still more are in truly awful relationships (go and peek on the relationship board if you dare).

I would rather be feeling lonely than unhappy with the wrong person. I know that much when I really think about it.

I was cheated on by my last ex and it hurt so much that it nearly finished me off. The combination of it only not being 'chosen' to be committed to and being replaced by someone.

I drove myself absolutely mad wandering what she had that I didn't .

It turned out it was nothing. They lasted a matter of months.

There are a lot of complex feelings, but this recurring thought we both have about 'I'm single, so no one wants me and I'm unlovable' isn't actually the truth.

We haven't met someone. We may never meet someone. But that's not because there's something wrong with us.

It's just how life has panned out.

As for the losing the fiancê. What happened there? Did you want to marry him?

My ex had an engagement ring designed and made for me in our first year together - after that I waited and waited, but he never decided to propose.

I feel like I was on trial and failed. That was a horrible feeling. That he would go so far and yet not want to make that step with me. I must have done something or been something that put him off the idea over time.

And then he ran off with this woman who was the polar opposite of me.

That has a lot to do with me feeling the way I do about being single. I HAD been chosen, and then he changed his mind. And that hurts every day.

How are you today, OP?

Not helpful but I can completely empathise. I feel unspeakably lonely and like I am literally just sat in God's waiting room for my time.

I'm reasonably young still tho, mid(ish!) 30's, so have a long wait ahead and my children are still relatively young. My relationship ended nearly 6 years ago and I've been on my own since.

Apart from my children, literally not a soul would realise or notice if I just disappeared. I'm insignificant and invisible to everyone. It's hard

I'm in the same boat as you OP. I'm 36 with a past full of heartbreak, let downs and failures and I see nothing but a future full of emptiness and loneliness. I have friends, a family, my own home, job, life. I'm grateful. But I am so alone and bored and sad. I've missed out on so much. I've given up dating as I can't take any more of it, but it's devastating. Everyone I know is with someone. I know what you're going through. If you want to inbox me to talk, please do x