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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he too nice?!

56 replies

Worakls · 11/12/2020 18:55

Evening,

After googling this for days and getting nowhere I thought I'd ask you lovely people for your views!

So I split from my ex in January - together 16 years, married 10. In the 10 years we were married he had 3 affairs I know of and countless other inappropriate behaviour with women. Latest affair I discovered in October 2019.

Anyway... In July I started hanging out with one of my closest friend's brothers. He'd come out of a 10 year relationship in January too. I told him and his sister at the start I had ZERO interest in a relationship... Well it didn't quite pan out like that! We get on really well, have fun together and he is quite possibly the nicest guy I've met... we have been seeing each other properly since August although it's not that often as I have my children most of the time and I am taking it slowly.

He's the complete opposite of my ex. He's quite quiet until you get to know him and not that confident either. Now obviously he comes prevetted as I have known his sister for years and we have spent time together before at family events which helps hugely.
My issue is that sometimes I find him too nice if that makes sense and I can't decide if it is him being needy or me being used to a complete arsehole?!
He is incredibly thoughtful. For example he knew one night I had a migraine so he secretly dropped off some pain meds and chocs for me (the in secret part is because he knows I don't want the kids to know about him yet). I found that a bit too intense! Is that normal or not?!
He also cooks for me lots and once he made a casserole and brought me a portion round.

He also talks about going away next summer and he tells me he has strong feelings for me. Again... Is this normal or is he being over the top?!
I feel reading this back most people are going to tell me it's me rightand that I'm lucky to have found someone so nice?!

OP posts:
Aprilx · 11/12/2020 18:57

It sounds fairly normal to me. I have never understood “too nice” though.

Superstardjs · 11/12/2020 19:04

It sounds like you are pre conditioned to expect meanness so nice is weird and overwhelming. Accept the niceness, it doesn't sound stalkery, just considerate.

Worakls · 11/12/2020 19:06

This is what I was thinking. I'm not use to someone thinking I'm amazing and wanting to be nice to me! I don't quite get it tbh...
Ibhave spoken to my friend at work about it though (he's a guy) and he said he thought it was over the top and needy. Like he was trying too hard...

OP posts:
Isitsixoclockalready · 11/12/2020 19:06

Doesn't sound "too nice"or full on. Nice, thoughtful gesture IMO.

HollowTalk · 11/12/2020 19:08

Sometimes a nice guy is just a nice guy!

I'd be very reassured by the things he does. What would be a worry is if he is only nice to you when others can see him be nice - eg sending flowers to you at work so that everyone thinks he's amazing. He's nice in private, which is really lovely. Hang on to him!

Hayeahnobut · 11/12/2020 19:09

Some people make a big effort at the beginning of relationships, perhaps he is one of them. Give yourself time to get to know him.

The pre vetting thing is nonsense, these people have not been in a relationship with him, and he may be very different in that context. My last long term partner was popular, lots of friends, a good dad... and abusive. You'd never know it from the outside, and very few know now because they wouldn't believe it. I'm not suggesting your potential partner is the same, most are not, but stay aware that what others see may be very different to what happens behind closed doors.

Pashazade · 11/12/2020 19:09

How does he behave towards his family you must have some idea, so is this level of thoughtfulness just usual behaviour when he cares about people. If it is then embrace it, but don't feel obliged to rush things!

Worakls · 11/12/2020 19:12

@Pashazade yeah he is like it generally. Always thinking of others and goes out of his way to help people.
This is completely the opposite of my ex though who is the most selfish person I know. So I find a bit of a shock really...

OP posts:
twolip · 11/12/2020 19:16

He's done a few kind things for you. It's not needy just thoughtful. I'd be wary of the guy at work, he sounds like he has an ulterior motive.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2020 19:17

Reckoning m your work mate would be a crap boyfriend and your boyfriend sounds alright.

I think it's useful to ask yourself what response you would expect based on your ex, what response would be your ideal response and what response you get from him for

Am him knowing you had a bad migraine
Him seeing you and you both needing food
Him cooking you might like when he isn't seeing you

Camenon · 11/12/2020 19:18

He sounds really thoughtful and nice. Nothing too over the top in my opinion.

DuzzyFuck · 11/12/2020 19:19

Don't overthink it OP. I was married to an emotionally abusive narc, and then had a rebound thing for a year with a guy who was great to start with but then started messing me around.

When I first meet DP I spent months trying to figure out why he was being so nice. A year in and having met his family and friends and seen how he treats others, it's just because he's nice. They're a rare breed it seems! ConfusedGrin

Whenwillow · 11/12/2020 19:20

He sounds like a very decent bloke.

wendywoopywoo222 · 11/12/2020 19:22

Im 55 and been dating a nice guy for 3 years. Prior to him I had a terrible marriage and awful boyfriends and it's taken me a long time to trust that he is just nice and thoughtful. I'm still half expecting him to turn bastard as that's what I'm used too. It's hard to recondition your thinking. He sound fabulous. Enjoy.

Worakls · 11/12/2020 19:23

Thanks everyone. It's really reassuring and i should probably give the poor guy a break by the sounds of things!

What about things like him offering to fix things for me round the house? He sometimes also walks my dog for me (he loves dogs to be fair!) When I don't have time... (I work a lot).
He also mowed my lawn for me when I was away...
Oh and he asked for my sister's number so he can speak to her about ideas for my Xmas present (she lives abroad so he hasn't met her)
Is this just normal thoughtful behaviour?

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 11/12/2020 19:23

A lot like the relationship I had with the man who is now my husband. He's kind and thoughtful but not needy. There are some good men out there, but still worth taking it slow. We did and I've never regretted it, 15 years on. Good luck Flowers

rumandbiscuits · 11/12/2020 19:24

I really think it depends on the individual. I'm a bit like you and would probably find it all a bit much whereas my sister would absolutely love it! I'm not a needy person at all and am probably quite a complex being to a needy male. My ex was 'needy/very nice' and it was lovely to begin with and then after a while just became too intense and started to give me the ick. The more I backed away because I didn't like it the worse it got! I even tried to speak about it to him and he just couldn't see where I was coming from at all which tbf he shouldn't have to change for me but then I shouldn't have to change for him. We just weren't compatible, he was probably better suited to someone like my sister who is just as needy and intense!
I was annoyed with myself because he was genuinely so lovely but not for me unfortunately.

DuzzyFuck · 11/12/2020 19:29

@Worakls All stuff that my DP would do in a flash, without thinking twice about it. He sounds lovely Smile

rumandbiscuits · 11/12/2020 19:31

@Worakls

Thanks everyone. It's really reassuring and i should probably give the poor guy a break by the sounds of things!

What about things like him offering to fix things for me round the house? He sometimes also walks my dog for me (he loves dogs to be fair!) When I don't have time... (I work a lot).
He also mowed my lawn for me when I was away...
Oh and he asked for my sister's number so he can speak to her about ideas for my Xmas present (she lives abroad so he hasn't met her)
Is this just normal thoughtful behaviour?

Can't he ask his sister for ideas as she is your friend and is likely to know?
Onthemaintrunkline · 11/12/2020 19:34

I think he sounds really nice. He’s a ‘giver’ not a taker. How many women on these threads yearn for a thoughtful, kind, caring man.

Look after him too and enjoy each other.

flissity · 11/12/2020 19:35

@Worakls if he did all that stuff in the space of a week it would seem a bit ‘trying too hard!’ but over a normal amount of time then I’d say he’s very considerate and thoughtful.

My Dh (second marriage) is thoughtful. He’s also quiet and not particularly outgoing. But thinks of others (me and the children) and likes to please which is really lovely!.

Good luck :)

Aprilx · 11/12/2020 19:39

@Worakls

Thanks everyone. It's really reassuring and i should probably give the poor guy a break by the sounds of things!

What about things like him offering to fix things for me round the house? He sometimes also walks my dog for me (he loves dogs to be fair!) When I don't have time... (I work a lot).
He also mowed my lawn for me when I was away...
Oh and he asked for my sister's number so he can speak to her about ideas for my Xmas present (she lives abroad so he hasn't met her)
Is this just normal thoughtful behaviour?

Still sounds fairly normal to me. Well other than the ringing your sister abroad who I presume he has never met in order to get ideas about a Christmas present. I find that a bit odd, I think my sister would too.
Worakls · 11/12/2020 19:48

So in conclusion it might be me that's the issue 🤣! I shall try and stop worrying about it and let him be. I too found the calling my sister thing weird but she had no issues with it. I'm not sure what my present is obviously but he wanted to be sure and felt he needed my sister's input...
I also think he wanted to meet some of my family, even if on the phone. I obviously know his sister, BIL, mum, nephew and niece (she is best friends with my daughter) and he hasn't met any of mine...

OP posts:
amillionwishes · 11/12/2020 19:50

He sounds wonderful! You've been conditioned into thinking "not so nasty" is nice. It's hard to get your head around, I know. I've been there. I'm still there, actually. DP does things that he considers normal (like picking me up from the station after work) my exh would have never done that and made out it was a massive issue if I'd have asked.

He is a nice guy, let him be one ♥️

Deadringer · 11/12/2020 19:52

Put it this way op, if you don't want him, i'll have him please.

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