Is he too nice?!

[Worakls]

Evening,

After googling this for days and getting nowhere I thought I'd ask you lovely people for your views!

So I split from my ex in January - together 16 years, married 10. In the 10 years we were married he had 3 affairs I know of and countless other inappropriate behaviour with women. Latest affair I discovered in October 2019.

Anyway... In July I started hanging out with one of my closest friend's brothers. He'd come out of a 10 year relationship in January too. I told him and his sister at the start I had ZERO interest in a relationship... Well it didn't quite pan out like that! We get on really well, have fun together and he is quite possibly the nicest guy I've met... we have been seeing each other properly since August although it's not that often as I have my children most of the time and I am taking it slowly.

He's the complete opposite of my ex. He's quite quiet until you get to know him and not that confident either. Now obviously he comes prevetted as I have known his sister for years and we have spent time together before at family events which helps hugely.
My issue is that sometimes I find him too nice if that makes sense and I can't decide if it is him being needy or me being used to a complete arsehole?!
He is incredibly thoughtful. For example he knew one night I had a migraine so he secretly dropped off some pain meds and chocs for me (the in secret part is because he knows I don't want the kids to know about him yet). I found that a bit too intense! Is that normal or not?!
He also cooks for me lots and once he made a casserole and brought me a portion round.

He also talks about going away next summer and he tells me he has strong feelings for me. Again... Is this normal or is he being over the top?!
I feel reading this back most people are going to tell me it's me rightand that I'm lucky to have found someone so nice?!

No I don't think he sounds too nice. I think he sounds nice, you sound nice and you should both enjoy it.

However there is something making me a little uneasy. You say you didn't want a relationship but it's not how it panned out. You say he wants to meet your family and he has come up with an excuse to contact your sister. You have told him you want to take it slowly. He doesn't seem to share this view. His sister has unintentionally put an extra burden on you - you can't hurt her brother especially as you know he was hurt badly in the past.

Look it's great he's thoughtful and cares about you. But frankly that should be your minimum expectation of a boyfriend. It doesn't mean you have to then work to his schedule of how quickly things should advance.

If you don't want him fixing things around your house, contacting your family, being around too much, making himself at home then don't let him. Tell him no, thanks for the offer but no. If he doesn't hear you tell him again and remind him you're not a child and you know your own mind. If he is not hearing your no, dump him.

I suspect I'm older than you and I've been through similar experiences. I had one boyfriend who had been a total player before we got together (he was a friend of my sister's). For some reason he fell head over heels for me and went from being this attractive, funny, interesting man i was dating to someone who could not let me breathe. I wondered what was wrong with me that I was so messed up I couldn't accept somebody treating me so wonderfully.

In hindsight, what was wrong with him to be so arrogant he knew what was best for me and would not accept me finishing with him. The cheek of him. It dragged on for months and months and I felt wretched.

Older and wiser I met another man years later who showed similar possessive traits after a few dates. I finished with him, kindly, firmly. We had friends in common and a similar pantomime started - he had decided we were meant for each other, it didn't matter what i wanted. No, no, no.

Always remember you are 50% of any relationship and have equal say in what happens. Stop second guessing yourself all the time.

I wouldn't even categorise what you've said as anyway overly nice. Kind and thoughtful yes but just normal boyfriend behaviour, especially in a new relationship when you're making a good impression . When you titled the thread "too nice", I was expecting something much more over the top! You must have put up with hell from your ex in that case.

He sounds nice and thoughtful. IMO there is no such thing as 'too nice'.

It all sounds fine, apart from him contacting your sister, not sure about that. It feels a bit invasive somehow, I wouldn't like it.

@Isthisnothing

No I don't think he sounds too nice. I think he sounds nice, you sound nice and you should both enjoy it.

However there is something making me a little uneasy. You say you didn't want a relationship but it's not how it panned out. You say he wants to meet your family and he has come up with an excuse to contact your sister. You have told him you want to take it slowly. He doesn't seem to share this view. His sister has unintentionally put an extra burden on you - you can't hurt her brother especially as you know he was hurt badly in the past.

Look it's great he's thoughtful and cares about you. But frankly that should be your minimum expectation of a boyfriend. It doesn't mean you have to then work to his schedule of how quickly things should advance.

If you don't want him fixing things around your house, contacting your family, being around too much, making himself at home then don't let him. Tell him no, thanks for the offer but no. If he doesn't hear you tell him again and remind him you're not a child and you know your own mind. If he is not hearing your no, dump him.

I suspect I'm older than you and I've been through similar experiences. I had one boyfriend who had been a total player before we got together (he was a friend of my sister's). For some reason he fell head over heels for me and went from being this attractive, funny, interesting man i was dating to someone who could not let me breathe. I wondered what was wrong with me that I was so messed up I couldn't accept somebody treating me so wonderfully.

In hindsight, what was wrong with him to be so arrogant he knew what was best for me and would not accept me finishing with him. The cheek of him. It dragged on for months and months and I felt wretched.

Older and wiser I met another man years later who showed similar possessive traits after a few dates. I finished with him, kindly, firmly. We had friends in common and a similar pantomime started - he had decided we were meant for each other, it didn't matter what i wanted. No, no, no.

Always remember you are 50% of any relationship and have equal say in what happens. Stop second guessing yourself all the time.

This really chimed with me too - make sure OP that you keep an eye on things being genuinely nice and caring or things actually being invasive or not listening to boundaries.

My ex was a 'couldn't do enough for me' type but would do things like message my friends saying he was worried about me if we had issues and I wanted space. And would buy me something I hadn't asked for at times he knew I was unsure about continuing the relationship, then weaponise the gift a bit in a 'how could you not want me, look at all I do for you' type way.

It's insidious and creeps up a bit but no means no in all scenarios. Asking for your sisters details is inappropriately and unnecessary especially as he knows other mutual people already.

If you are feeling unsure and have niggling doubts and weren't in the right headspace for a relationship, you have total agency and can say you want time to be alone - you don't owe someone a relationship just because they aren't an arsehole

He sounds decent. To me, too nice is that false gentlemanly stuff, buying flowers in excess, etc. Your man just sounds considerate and thoughtful.