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Original poster

Is he too nice?!

56 replies

Worakls · 11/12/2020 18:55

Evening,

After googling this for days and getting nowhere I thought I'd ask you lovely people for your views!

So I split from my ex in January - together 16 years, married 10. In the 10 years we were married he had 3 affairs I know of and countless other inappropriate behaviour with women. Latest affair I discovered in October 2019.

Anyway... In July I started hanging out with one of my closest friend's brothers. He'd come out of a 10 year relationship in January too. I told him and his sister at the start I had ZERO interest in a relationship... Well it didn't quite pan out like that! We get on really well, have fun together and he is quite possibly the nicest guy I've met... we have been seeing each other properly since August although it's not that often as I have my children most of the time and I am taking it slowly.

He's the complete opposite of my ex. He's quite quiet until you get to know him and not that confident either. Now obviously he comes prevetted as I have known his sister for years and we have spent time together before at family events which helps hugely.
My issue is that sometimes I find him too nice if that makes sense and I can't decide if it is him being needy or me being used to a complete arsehole?!
He is incredibly thoughtful. For example he knew one night I had a migraine so he secretly dropped off some pain meds and chocs for me (the in secret part is because he knows I don't want the kids to know about him yet). I found that a bit too intense! Is that normal or not?!
He also cooks for me lots and once he made a casserole and brought me a portion round.

He also talks about going away next summer and he tells me he has strong feelings for me. Again... Is this normal or is he being over the top?!
I feel reading this back most people are going to tell me it's me rightand that I'm lucky to have found someone so nice?!

OP posts:
ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 11/12/2020 19:54

Enjoy it! I wish I had one like that!

firesong · 11/12/2020 19:55

He sounds great. Is he coming off as insecure in some other way that you have mentioned? Is he clingy? If not, it sounds like he's great. Just enjoy it. Maybe you aren't used to the security of a man who isn't cheating and being untrustworthy. Your ex sounds dreadful by the way, glad you got away!

firesong · 11/12/2020 19:55

Haven't, I meant, obviously

Barmyfarmy · 11/12/2020 19:55

OP as you said I think you're not used to a guy being nice! As PPs have said, he's being nice in private, isn't expecting a grand public thank you and is being very thoughtful. It's okay if it takes you a while to get used to this. Also he may be nicer than some because he misses doing nice things for a partner. If he's always been this nice he may miss when he used to be able to cook for his ex partner.

Let yourself be treated, and work on bringing your guard down to be nice to him too. (I'm not saying you're not nice but you may be holding back to protect yourself) You're worthy of his nice-ness and it's good that he recognises that!

Best of luck to both of you Flowers

Original poster
Worakls · 11/12/2020 19:56

@firesong yeah he is a bit insecure. Some of that might be me as I have been a nightmare tbh... Freaking out on him a fair amount and overthinking stuff.
Some of it is due to how his ex treated him... This I know not from him but from his sister being worried about him for the past few years andas friends she used to talk to me about it.

OP posts:
HaHaVeryBunny · 11/12/2020 19:57

Yeah, he sounds decent and definitely ignore what the bloke in work said.

dottiedodah · 11/12/2020 19:59

He sounds dead cool to me .Kind and considerate and as you say "pre vetted"! I would relax and enjoy .Maybe the Universe has given you a nice one this time!

Plussizejumpsuit · 11/12/2020 20:01

OP I think the thing that's not particularly normal is your concern that fairly normal thoughtfulness is being too nice. It does sound you're used to being treated like shit.

Only you can decide what is too much for you and what pace you want this to move at though.

dottiedodah · 11/12/2020 20:02

Also dont take any notice of the guy at work! He could be interested in you as well !

PostmanSpaff · 11/12/2020 20:04

Sounds like the kinda things my partner did in the early stages... He's still thoughtful and kind and never deviated. Here we are 12 years later. Sometimes a nice guy is just that.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 11/12/2020 20:04

I actually am a little bit worried about him now. He sounds thoughtful and caring and lovely and you sound like you're going to hurt him. If you're not ready for this/not feeling it there's nothing wrong with saying so now, you're just out of an awful relationship where you've been treated so badly and you may just need some time to clear your head.

All he has done is think of things that would be nice for you/helpful to your current situation and he's done them. Not a red flag in sight.

Scottishskifun · 11/12/2020 20:05

It sounds like your so used to men being arses that when there is a good one your suspicious of the behaviour.

He sounds to me like he is thoughtful, wants you to be happy and wants to get it right. I wouldn't call that needy I would call it a keeper!

firesong · 11/12/2020 20:07

Ah, so you think you could be creating some insecurity somehow by subtly rejecting his niceness? Perhaps time is the answer here, it's early on and can take a while to settle into a relationship with which you are both comfortable.

DryRoastPeanut · 11/12/2020 20:09

He sounds lovely op, enjoy life with a decent guy.

YakkityYakYakYak · 11/12/2020 20:23

He sounds amazing.

I’ve never understood the idea that someone can be “too nice”, niceness is a prerequisite for me in any relationship. But at the same time, if you’re just not that into him, you don’t have to force it just cause he’s nice.

If you do stick with him, maybe think about whether there are some nice gestures you can offer him in return, if he’s insecure as you say he would probably really appreciate knowing that you also want to make him happy.

Divebar · 11/12/2020 20:25

Are you not nice to him then? Do you not do little things for him? My DH is a “nice guy” who came as a shock to the system after suffering arseholes. I’m not sure he ever made me a casserole but he helped with decorating in my flat, did DIY, helped carry the worlds heaviest sofa, checked my tire pressure and oil before long journeys and made polite conversation with slightly dull elderly family members. ( the greatest sacrifice)

Original poster
Worakls · 11/12/2020 20:30

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug I have been really honest with him. He knows I wasn't quite ready for a relationship and we sort of fell into this and this is why I am insisting we take it slowly. I have also told him I worry he may get hurt. He says he is prepared to take the risk.
@YakkityYakYakYak I do like him, a lot but yes I will admit he's further down that line than me.
I think a lot of it coming down to me and what I'm used to and it making me feel uncomfortable because I've never had it. My ex used to make me feel like I was lucky he chose me and that I should be grateful someone as amazing as him chose me... So having someone tell me they feel lucky to have met me, and to have someone want to make me happy feels odd for me.
I am having counselling to deal with the effects of my ex (and the huge guilt I feel at having broken up my family) so I think I may need to spend some time discussing my new relationship too

OP posts:
Original poster
Worakls · 11/12/2020 20:34

@Divebar I am nice to him yes, but I don't do that many things for him... But I'd like to think this is because of time issues. I am a single mum to 2 young kids and I work full-time and have no family support. I do all the school runs by using my lunch break to get them and then work when they are home.
The kids see their dad one night a week and EOW. I have very little time to do these little things for him really and I suppose that makes it worse, it feels one-sided.

OP posts:
Techway · 11/12/2020 21:26

Op, take it slow and trust your instincts. I would also check his reactions when you say No. If at any stage you feel comfortable listen to your doubts.

wirldsgonemad · 11/12/2020 21:29

He sounds lovely, you need to chill and just enjoy it!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2020 21:39

When I look back, anyone I thought at the time was "too nice" was actually giving me the ick - either because they were too intense, or felt like they were putting me on a pedestal, or I just didn't feel the same as they did / fancy them enough. So the things they did felt uncomfortable and a bit jarring, whereas with someone I felt comfortable with, whose strength of feeling matched mine the same things would have felt lovely. Hope that makes sense, bit garbled!

SoloJazz · 11/12/2020 22:42

My ex husband was like this, he ended up controlling, I had to divorce him. He was exactly like yours in the beginning. As soon as we got married, things started to change, apparently he was controlling because he loved me Confused Anyway, I'd proceed with caution. The thing with your sister's phone number is too weird too, sorry.

Lennie16 · 11/12/2020 23:20

Sounds kind, thoughtful and is understanding of you taking things slowly- it’s good to be cautious but there are some good people out there. Appreciate your chance of a good relationship and see how things go. You will know when things feel like they will work or not, time will show you this

PicsInRed · 11/12/2020 23:24

You've been with him almost 6 months. If it was 6 weeks it might be a bit much, but he sounds like he likes you. That's how it's meant to be. As pp said, sounds like you're used to abuse. Are you waiting for the "nasty" of the nice-nasty cycle?

Original poster
Worakls · 12/12/2020 13:13

Thanks everyone. Really reassuring. I think I need to stop over analysing it all and just try and go with the flow. I am holding back as I have been hurt so badly... Part of worries I suppose that if I truly let him in, I may get hurt again. Not that he would treat me like my ex, I have no doubts there, more that he will decide it's all too much or that I'm not that interesting (ex told me he found me and family life boring... Hence the need to screw other people 😩) and he'll end it...

OP posts: