Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My married male friend

69 replies

NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 15:00

NC for this.

I have a good friend I met through work a decade ago. We don’t work together anymore but we stayed in touch, met for coffee and lunch regularly, sometimes drinks in a group. He’s older, married with kids since I’ve known him.

He has crossed a few boundaries with me over the years, nothing sleazy but I have generally had the impression that he is attracted to me. It’s a bit outing so apologies for the lack of detail.

We have always texted pretty regularly, maybe once a week or so. But over this year the texting has escalated and he’s initiating contact most days, sometimes multiple times a day. I looked back and we’ve been exchanging over 100 texts a month for a while now. Usually just chatty, he’s maybe a little flirty occasionally. I’m a bit worried about what his wife must think and would hate to cause her upset. I wouldn’t want my husband messaging to this extent, to me it would mean he had that person on his mind too much.

What do you think is going on? Could it just be innocent, given we’re all a bit bored and lonely at the moment, or is it something I should nip in the bud? I don’t want to lose the friendship but I don’t want to encourage anything inappropriate. Opinions appreciated!

OP posts:
IsFinnRogersDead · 11/12/2020 15:02

It may be a friendship to you but it's a potential shag to him.

cuddlymunchkin · 11/12/2020 15:03

Well, it won't be 'nipping it in the bud', will it? You clearly know it's not ok. He's 'crossed the boundaries' before. You like the attention. Why the faux concern now?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2020 15:06

He's crossed the line and you know it, and this isn't a recent occurrence. He's trying it on, imo, testing the waters to see how far he can take it. He doesn't sound like much of a friend, or husband for that matter. I imagine his wife would not be pleased with the amount of texting going on. I would be backing way off.

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 15:12

Well yeah you know what to do. Don’t slide into an emotional affair here.

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 15:15

cuddly It’s the dramatic increase in contact frequency I guess. The concern isn’t faux, I had just hoped he wanted to be friends with me for who I am rather than as a potential shag.

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 11/12/2020 15:18

For whatever reason, he is trying to turn this into an emotional affair and is using you to fulfil some sort of need - whether he's wanting more attention or someone to flirt with.

I get it's an ego boost and the extra attention can feel good, but if you let him do this, you are enabling him to treat his DW very badly by using you as an emotional backstop. Don't allow it. It cheapens you all.

Halloweiner · 11/12/2020 15:19

What do you mean by he's crossed the line?

BigFatLiar · 11/12/2020 15:24

Whatever his intentions you're not comfortable with the texts and thats enough to put an end to it.

littleharissa · 11/12/2020 15:25

Get. Some. Respect.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 11/12/2020 15:31

Can you elaborate on what lines he crossed? Not sure I get this bit.

The communication has been a 2-way street - why are you now suddenly thinking about this as inappropriate if its been going on so long?

Buzzthedragon · 11/12/2020 15:34

Just stop it.
Why would you do this?
He’s married!
Have some self respect if you can’t respect his wife.

seensome · 11/12/2020 15:34

It seems excessive texting, would you even text your female friend this much? Most people haven't the time. I think your right trying to view it from his wife's perspective, so keep him at a distance, and stop responding at his pace.

Do you have a partner? And what would they think?

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 15:34

Without being outing, what are you talking about via text all day? Even my partner texts me less than what you describe. Not having a go it’s just it might help us figure out his agenda.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/12/2020 15:37

Guessing it’s increased due to covid and less chance to go out out and try it on random women.
Stop it now, you aren’t naive as to his intentions. Put it this way, how would u feel of your husband did what he does?

seensome · 11/12/2020 15:38

Sorry just read you have a husband? What does he say about it?

Bing765 · 11/12/2020 15:39

Does your husband know your messaging the other man this much? If not, no matter what your intentions are in my opinion you are just as bad as your work colleague. You say you wouldn't like your husband to message another woman to that extent, so why are you happy doing it to him?

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2020 15:41

I am bemused as many others by who is the crossing the line and who isnt.
If you stop replying or reply once every week, than he will hopefully understand too. If on the other hand you are continually replying to his messages than you are both acting the same way.

I can only see one solution to this and that is to start a text group and include his wife and your DH in it. That should sort out the worries you may have.

BigFatLiar · 11/12/2020 15:43

@seensome

Sorry just read you have a husband? What does he say about it?
I read it as she wouldn't want her husband texting like that as a general statement not that she actually had a husband but if she did.
Lizzie523 · 11/12/2020 15:48

Something similar happened to me once with my best male friend of a decade. It did become an emotional affair and I cut contact with him, citing his behaviour as the reason.

A year later we slowly got back in touch and he admitted his mental state had not been good. I think he used an established friendship as a safe place to flirt at a time when his relationship was going through s rocky patchy. Six years later we are good platonic friends again and I get on with his girlfriend well.

But I really think the fact this guy is married just makes this so off limits. And you are married. What it 'means' doesn't matter, what dies matter is the hurt it could cause. How do you feel about him? Very honest with yourself.

Then get ready to let go of this flirtation and take a time out, telling him why. In my experience it is not possible to go from A to B straight away so I bet you will both need a bit of space to recalibrate what the friendship should like.

Fyi my friend never flirts with me now and we are back to being great friends. But I had to take that first painful step and it did mean a year apart.

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 15:51

Yes I appreciate that I engage in the chat so that makes me complicit.

My husband knows we are in touch regularly and I wouldn’t be worried about him reading the content of the messages, they are pretty innocuous. It’s more the increased frequency that has made me wonder about his intentions.

OP posts:
HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 15:53

I suppose you could stop replying to them, just get back later and say you’re a bit busy? Are you worried about losing him as a friend?

CityCommuter · 11/12/2020 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jessstan1 · 11/12/2020 15:55

I suggest you just slow down the messages, NameChanger; don't respond to all of them and when you do, take your time about it.

gannett · 11/12/2020 15:56

I don't think increased frequency is a problem. I've messaged almost everyone I know way more this year than usual because, maybe you've noticed this, there's a pandemic on which heavily restricts our ability to socialise with each other.

Messaging a lot isn't inappropriate in itself, it's what the content of those messages is and what your intentions are. Only you and he can answer that!

maudspellbody · 11/12/2020 15:57

As you are responding or reciprocating, he could be wondering the same about you. You've somehow got into this habit and - however innocuous the individual messages might be- they are frequent and, I am guessing, excluding your spouses.

So I think I would start with that. If he sends you a message about something that happened that was funny, or a picture or meme or whatever (I have no idea what these messages are about), just casually ask if his wife thought that was funny too? Or mention you showed your DH and you had a laugh about it.

If that feels odd then there's something exclusive that's a worry in itself. If it's just ordinary friendship, then casually bringing your spouses into the conversation won't change anything.

Just a thought...