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Original poster

My married male friend

69 replies

NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 15:00

NC for this.

I have a good friend I met through work a decade ago. We don’t work together anymore but we stayed in touch, met for coffee and lunch regularly, sometimes drinks in a group. He’s older, married with kids since I’ve known him.

He has crossed a few boundaries with me over the years, nothing sleazy but I have generally had the impression that he is attracted to me. It’s a bit outing so apologies for the lack of detail.

We have always texted pretty regularly, maybe once a week or so. But over this year the texting has escalated and he’s initiating contact most days, sometimes multiple times a day. I looked back and we’ve been exchanging over 100 texts a month for a while now. Usually just chatty, he’s maybe a little flirty occasionally. I’m a bit worried about what his wife must think and would hate to cause her upset. I wouldn’t want my husband messaging to this extent, to me it would mean he had that person on his mind too much.

What do you think is going on? Could it just be innocent, given we’re all a bit bored and lonely at the moment, or is it something I should nip in the bud? I don’t want to lose the friendship but I don’t want to encourage anything inappropriate. Opinions appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 15:57

HiyaCathy I would be really sad to lose him as a friend, and it would be awkward professionally too. I see what everyone is saying about the potential for an emotional affair, but I suppose it’s hard for me to see it that way because whilst I really enjoy our friendship I’m not attracted to him and wouldn’t consider a sexual relationship with him. I’m bored and lonely too so I’m replying more and maybe that has given him the wrong impression.

OP posts:
HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 16:07

Well I think there’s nothing wrong with all that but you have to be careful sometimes that you aren’t putting more emotional energy or confusing in him more than your H. I’m not saying your friendship is bad but it can be easy to slip into these things.

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 16:08

Not confusing I meant confiding

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 16:08

If you’re lonely can you talk to your H or other colleagues friends?

Unicant · 11/12/2020 16:11

Just only reply once a week or something... set a boundary with it and he will get the message that thats the level of communication you want.
I assume you are texting back which is giving him the impression you are fine with this higher frequency of communication... if its making you uncomfortable just stop replying as often.

JurassicParkAha · 11/12/2020 16:19

I’m bored and lonely too

Hmm OP. That's the bit that is worrying, and could make you susceptible to an emotional affair intentionally. If you're married, what is making you lonely?

While you may not pursue a sexual relationship, do you feel you connect emotionally more with him than your husband?

I think you know this is more than friendship. Any sort of flirting, however 'light', isn't a friendship. You can still maintain contact but leave it much longer between responses, not share as much as you are, and definitely make it clear that flirting is definitely not ok, and he should stop, as it's making you uncomfortable. It isn't just his intentions here, but also yours. Because there is some part of you that must like the attention to be responding all these years.

Take space in the friendship, focus on your marriage and finding ways to be less bored. Even with lockdown there's plenty of hobbies and interests you can pursue, virtual groups you can join. Being emotionally dependent on one other person, who isn't even your spouse, is not healthy - no matter the sex.

TillyTopper · 11/12/2020 16:19

You think he's a friend, he's lining up a shag. Personally I'd cut contact and block him. Sounds tough but you then know you've made your position clear.

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 16:30

Jurassic My DH is going through some mental health problems so there doesn’t seem much space for us to connect at the moment. Combined with pandemic-related isolation I am quite lonely. My friend has mentioned several times that he doesn’t see much of his wife due to her work commitments so I suppose we are both vulnerable to emotionally relying on the other rather than our partners. Obviously not an excuse to cheat and that definitely won’t be happening.

OP posts:
HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 16:32

Oh op recognise all the ingredients are there though. Can you try and reconnect with your H a bit?

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 16:34

Also some space is fuelled by stuff like this, not saying it’s your case but it’s happened to me. I pulled away as my partner was doing what you are doing and I felt very alone in the relationship and rather like a third wheel!

AgathaX · 11/12/2020 16:38

You know what's happening here. You need to step away.

BigFatLiar · 11/12/2020 16:43

@NameChanger23617

Jurassic My DH is going through some mental health problems so there doesn’t seem much space for us to connect at the moment. Combined with pandemic-related isolation I am quite lonely. My friend has mentioned several times that he doesn’t see much of his wife due to her work commitments so I suppose we are both vulnerable to emotionally relying on the other rather than our partners. Obviously not an excuse to cheat and that definitely won’t be happening.
Even if it is simply two bored people texting. It sounds inappropriate and you both have much to lose f your partners were to come across the texts.
ThirstyGhost · 11/12/2020 16:51

Try mentioning your DH more than you usually do in your messages and see what happens. His reaction to that will tell you if this is just bored texting or something more. If he backs off a bit at mention of your husband or gets snippy you'll know for definite that his intentions aren't good, in which case I'd phase him out by only replying to every second or third message and leaving longer between replies (to avoid the work awkwardness you mention).

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 11/12/2020 16:56

What do you think is going on?

Oh come on, you know full well what's going on. Why are you being so deliberately coy? This isn't a friendship it's a game of cat and mouse. You're a potential shag. That is all. Get some self respect! Hmm

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 17:04

Why would it be awkward at work op if it’s just innocent chat over lockdown? I would just do what the above posters are mentioning; just mention your DH a bit more and slow down replies, no need for any big fanfare

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 17:07

No I mean it would be awkward if I ended the friendship or said that I felt it was inappropriate. But as you said hopefully I can just back off a bit and he’ll get the message.

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 11/12/2020 17:07

OP, I do sympathise. Something you could do, is maybe re-focus your energy on a new hobby? There's lots of free online classes on art, music, languages, coding etc you could do whilst home. Or maybe look on meetup.com for groups (they do virtual meets now too) - book clubs are easy ones, rambling, even just age specific/family specific ones.

It will really help with the loneliness of not having your partner's support, allow you to re-connect with yourself (As cheesy as that sounds), and you could make new friends along the way. If you do take up a new hobby, it is great for self esteem to see progress, and learning keeps your mind active - less time to brood or ruminate, and you'll automatically step away from this man.

Aquagirl19 · 11/12/2020 17:10

[quote Seychelles98]@NameChanger23617 I don't buy this ... you're acting all innocent and naive approach... You've already said he overstepped boundaries before so you know exactly what his intentions are and you're enjoying it. Does your DH know about all these messages btw?

You're just as much a flirt as he is by responding to his texts so quit with the naivety crap on Mumsnet... don't you know you can't pull the wool over peoples eyes that easily! It's people like you who cause problems in marriages. It's Christmas so be a good person and don't upset his innocent wife and children.

All men flirt (and women as well!) to an extent as it's makes them feel good and it's mainly harmless... but you don't have to keep responding and leading him on do you? You're playing games and maybe you're trying to make your DH jealous? Who knows what your goal is...[/quote]
Couldn't have put it better myself!

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 17:13

You can also do a thought experiment of where this could end up, the mess at work if you both crossed he line and partners pain etc. So that’s always a good way to put some boundaries back in place, like others have said it has been a lonely time and I hope you and your H can reconnect what brought you together.

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 17:14

Try mentioning your DH more than you usually do in your messages and see what happens

He’s very stand-offish with my husband and rarely asks after him. Not a great sign I guess.

OP posts:
CityCommuter · 11/12/2020 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 17:25

Not sure I agree that I’m “leading him on”. We’re friends. Friends chat and respond to each other’s messages. I’m not sending him sexy selfies or anything. I get that the level of contact is probably not appropriate for two married people though so I will step back.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2020 17:32

@NameChanger23617

Not sure I agree that I’m “leading him on”. We’re friends. Friends chat and respond to each other’s messages. I’m not sending him sexy selfies or anything. I get that the level of contact is probably not appropriate for two married people though so I will step back.
"Probably not appropriate"?

You said he flirts with you.

And that you're sure he finds you attractive.

The wide eyed innocent tone sounds silly.

You know it's inappropriate, you know it would make his wife sad, you know your husband would be sad you're leaning emotionally on someone who fancies you and flirts with you and clearly doesn't like him.

Time to grow up a bit and admit you know it's not on - whether you carry on doing it or not is up to you of course. But it's a dick move and it's also a dick move to act as if you have no idea what's going on! Odd.

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 17:35

It doesn’t need to be sexy, it’s the emotional support and emotional energy, it can easily slip into a full on emotional affair especially if your DH has picked up on the distance. There will be a cycle going on.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/12/2020 17:41

To be honest, if he had crossed a few boundaries with me over the years, that would make me feel uncomfortable enough to not be friends with him at all. Thats not being a friend.