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Original poster

My married male friend

69 replies

NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 15:00

NC for this.

I have a good friend I met through work a decade ago. We don’t work together anymore but we stayed in touch, met for coffee and lunch regularly, sometimes drinks in a group. He’s older, married with kids since I’ve known him.

He has crossed a few boundaries with me over the years, nothing sleazy but I have generally had the impression that he is attracted to me. It’s a bit outing so apologies for the lack of detail.

We have always texted pretty regularly, maybe once a week or so. But over this year the texting has escalated and he’s initiating contact most days, sometimes multiple times a day. I looked back and we’ve been exchanging over 100 texts a month for a while now. Usually just chatty, he’s maybe a little flirty occasionally. I’m a bit worried about what his wife must think and would hate to cause her upset. I wouldn’t want my husband messaging to this extent, to me it would mean he had that person on his mind too much.

What do you think is going on? Could it just be innocent, given we’re all a bit bored and lonely at the moment, or is it something I should nip in the bud? I don’t want to lose the friendship but I don’t want to encourage anything inappropriate. Opinions appreciated!

OP posts:
CityCommuter · 11/12/2020 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 11/12/2020 18:08

I think that’s a bit dramatic Seychelles but I appreciate you taking the time to give your opinion.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 11/12/2020 18:15

I probably am being too cautious here ,but I am not sure if its really possible to be platonic friends, without the guy wanting more .Sometimes I guess but not often .I think he fancies you ,and you know it .Maybe wind down and say you havent got time to text him now we are no longer in lockdown?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2020 18:19

@NameChanger23617

I think that’s a bit dramatic Seychelles but I appreciate you taking the time to give your opinion.
You've admitted you know he's attracted to you, that he flirts with you, that it would make his wife sad and that he doesn't like your husband.

So your 'what's going on here' question and faux naïveté about it just doesn't ring true. You know what's going on. Therefore to have continued it, you are enjoying the dynamic more than you feel bad about it.

So not hugely dramatic to say you'll probably continue. It's not like it's a bombshell that people think it's inappropriate. You knew it was already and carried on.

CatteStreet · 11/12/2020 18:28

OP, what were you hoping for from this thread? What did you think people's responses would be? Surely you knew which way it was going to go?

Why do you have so much invested in this 'friendship' that you know he's crossed boundaries, you know you're in contact to an inappropriate extent, yet you still want to continue it?

A healthy response, with both of you married, would have been to end the 'friendship' the first time he crossed a boundary.

FreshFreesias · 11/12/2020 18:31

I would stop it as it’s unfair to his wife.

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 02:17

What's in it for you op?

We get he fancies you and wouldn't turn down a shag, youv'e said you no longer work with him, so why would it hurt profesionally to walk away.

What's the fair exchange?

The only credible answer is you are lapping up the attention, maybe you too fancy him but will not admit it.
You are actually having an emotional affair, what do you think this is, stop kidding yourself.

You are seriously disrespecting your husband and his wife.
Ten years..... Sad

Tell his wife Merry Christmas from MNet. Poor woman.

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 02:34

Or do you wan't the fairytale answer.......

I don't know op maybe he fancies you, can't think why as youv'e never overstepped the mark with contact.
I'm sure he doesn't fancy you more than his wife, that would be upsetting for her, thankfully that won't happen to you cause you know your husband is jealous of him.

Carry on I'm sure this will blow over and you can sort things out properly when you start meeting for coffees again.

It's awful when someone gets the wrong end of the stick isn't it, he should know you're not leading him on.

sofato5miles · 12/12/2020 02:42

You know this is wrong. You want to talk about it and feed the space it has in your life.

It is beyond inapprorpriate. Ypu are thinking about him and wanting to talk about him. See that for what it is.

Stop being in contact. Really, stop.

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 02:48

@sofato5miles.

Exactly.

I think she's given about a sentence about her husband.

changedmynameforChristmas · 12/12/2020 03:24

He's not your friend if he is overstepping the mark and you are letting him do it which is sending mixed messages.
Not fair on both your other halves.
Consider how they would react if they saw the messages ?

LopsidedWombat · 12/12/2020 04:52

I thought it was spouses who cross boundaries that ruin Christmas for their family rather than the person on the other end of the phone.

OP the fact you've written about this either means you don't feel comfortable with it or it's become something more for you as well. Can you honestly say this friendship is like your others? Would you worry if your husband saw the messages? You say you don't find this man attractive and have no interest in him beyond a friendship so perhaps you aren't worried about yourself in this scenario? I think all you can do is reply less often, definitely never immediately and just be aware that this correspondence is possibly filling a void for him, maybe it feels like something more than it actually is or can be. Once someone has developed feelings and crosses lines, I don't believe a normal friendship can continue without someone ultimately getting hurt.

Needsadvice197 · 12/12/2020 05:51

Yep I’m deffo not buying this either, you’ve loved the attention and have fed into it. I very much doubt your husband would be ok with you two exchanging this many texts if he knew this OM had different intentions. I guess you’re feeling guilt now towards his wife, well you shouldn’t have been texting and leading each other on in first place.

Being friends with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship is absolutely fine as long as both parties know it’s nothing more than that. The minute one starts flirting, engaging a little too much the other party (if innocent) will shut it down.

Needsadvice197 · 12/12/2020 05:54

@NameChanger23617

Try mentioning your DH more than you usually do in your messages and see what happens

He’s very stand-offish with my husband and rarely asks after him. Not a great sign I guess.

This alone would make me shut this ‘friendship’ down, how can you let another man disrespect your husband like that? Oh I know, because a lot more has happened then you’re letting on
EpochTime · 12/12/2020 08:42

My advice would be to have a re-read of your conversations and view them as if you were his wife. How many times does he mention his wife by name, for instance? If references to her are few and far between, I would say you have a problem.

Original poster
NameChanger23617 · 12/12/2020 09:24

Thank you everyone, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I hadn’t considered it as an emotional affair because we don’t talk about feelings for each other. The messages are not particularly intimate and it’s nothing I wouldn’t talk about with a close girlfriend. We both mention our spouses sometimes, it’s not like a little bubble where we try to pretend it’s just us.

But I acknowledge there’s a lot more contact than with my other friends, and I enjoy his attention and friendship more than I should given we are both married. I agree he’s probably testing the waters for more, and that’s not what I want so I’ll be backing right off.

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 12/12/2020 12:02

I think that's a good decision. It's best to put in boundaries before anything happens or is said that pushes it too far

You don't need to cut him off or make a drama out of it, just back off a bit.

Soonm · 12/12/2020 12:47

@NameChanger23617

Thank you everyone, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I hadn’t considered it as an emotional affair because we don’t talk about feelings for each other. The messages are not particularly intimate and it’s nothing I wouldn’t talk about with a close girlfriend. We both mention our spouses sometimes, it’s not like a little bubble where we try to pretend it’s just us.

But I acknowledge there’s a lot more contact than with my other friends, and I enjoy his attention and friendship more than I should given we are both married. I agree he’s probably testing the waters for more, and that’s not what I want so I’ll be backing right off.

Wow. So you've been talking to him about the sort of stuff close girlfriends chat about? Which, in my experience, can include chats about female biology and interesting disclosures about partners' sexual acts (I wouldn't, but I've been on the receiving end of that sort of info). Or, is that not what you meant? The more you've disclosed on here the more I agree with others that you like the attention. His poor wife over all this time. Aren't you worried about karma?!
Soonm · 12/12/2020 12:50

Erm, do you think his wife and your husband would get on? I just think maybe now - after a decade - they should be given the opportunity to make 'friends' with one another.

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